I feel like a total asshole. Because I know there’s a lot of you that have waited for me to come back and write more. Here’s some great news: I’m still writing. Yes, the same stuff, and everything. I just switched platforms to something called Substack. Substack is a newsletter and blog system all wrapped up in one, which means… Read more →
Hello, dickholes! Again, I’m sorry it has taken me so long to write something, and I mean anything at all. I promise I am still alive. Harvey and Mr. Bee are still judging me with their beady little eyes, watching in glee when I accidentally (deliberately) give myself diarrhea. But, they are now sitting in a new place, because big… Read more →
If you want to be a well-respected food blogger, every now and then you need to tell people that you have your own take on a Mexican street food staple, elotes. Then you must accept the round of applause that follows, since you have obviously watched Food Network and become an expert on Mexican cuisine. Soon after, you will be flooded… Read more →
Hi, dickholes! I know, I know. It’s been a while. All right, maybe an entire year, down to the exact day. The truth is, l fell off a cliff in a drunken rage and then I died. I’ve made a full recovery since, and I took the liberty to get five additional penises implanted on my forehead during my surgeries.… Read more →
Hey, clowns! Eating glue sticks and frying packing peanuts to make Cheetos are really cool things to do every week, but today, I’m going to take a quick break and get some rest. I’m getting over a cold from this weekend and my stress levels about things like money, survival, and rectal prolapses are starting to get to me. As the greatest food… Read more →
Visiting Davida last weekend in Las Vegas was one of the best spontaneous decisions I’ve ever made. I had so much fun with her. We laughed a lot, wandered around Las Vegas, and ate some great food that wasn’t the crap at Heart Attack Grill. And yes, like a bunch of you guys have needled me about, there was some… Read more →
Hi everybody! It’s Memorial Day weekend and I have done a lot of eating and drinking in people’s backyards. I will be taking a break to set the world record in piledriving your mother on a trampoline (it’s harder than it sounds), but I’ll be back in full force next week. My body is angry from me eating garbage. I love… Read more →
You guys are amazing. First of all, thank you for the continued donations — they are still coming in, which is mind-boggling to me. I know, I’m starting to sound like a broken record now, but each time this happens I practically pass out. The fact that you would send money to some pet-food eating moron makes me really tingly (mainly… Read more →
Last year at this time, I had the fun opportunity to go to Baconfest Chicago (which you can read about here). I brought my friend Drew (hi Drew!), we got drunk, and ate a lot of baconed-out things. It was great and we had a very fun time. But this year, something different happened. I was asked to be a Baconfest… Read more →
Last week, I wrote about cooking with drugs (again), specifically regarding diarrhea. This is the greatest food blog in history. I only repeat that all the time to make me feel better about myself. User Mostly_Apples on Reddit got mad at me and said, “Wow. Please don’t anyone do this. I’m sure it’s just a joke but don’t fucking mix all… Read more →
Today is my 35th birthday! As most of you know, my 34th year on this planet was pretty difficult. If you’re just tuning in, I lost my job, my bank account got emptied out by a scammer, a drunk driver destroyed my beloved car, and a whole buttload of other entertaining horseshit happened. But not all of it was bad. The highlight… Read more →
These days, being unemployed and having my checking account wiped out a few weeks back, it is very important for me to enjoy food on a tight budget. This is generally a serious concern for not only me, but many people, because going out to eat can be quite expensive. If I am dining out with your mother I typically… Read more →
I got a job! And a girlfriend! Just joshing around. I still don’t have a full-time job yet (this blog has rendered me unemployable), and my girlfriend is still my right hand. For some reason you guys really like it when I’m miserable and barely scraping by, because I go to my secret dark place and think about how to destroy the… Read more →
I have been horrendously sick for the past few weeks. I didn’t think I’d be ready for this week’s Pizzle post, but since I am a true champion of the people, I persevered through horrible coughs, bloody noses, explosive diarrhea, and very little sleep. However, you mothers and fathers in the world have to deal with much more misery than… Read more →
Something that many of you may not know is that Coolio has a cookbook called Cookin’ With Coolio: 5 Star Meals at a 1 Star Price. Yes, that Coolio, rap superstar known primarily for Gangsta’s Paradise. In case you don’t know who he is, here is the music video, which you should watch no matter what: The way you know Coolio… Read more →
One of the most entertaining parts of going out to eat at a fancy restaurant is seeing an artistic plate of food being put down before your eyes. Because you are paying $200 for very tiny plates of dollhouse food, it is extremely important to nod your head and say things like, “This is so whimsical! There is just so much… Read more →
Best-of lists are a very silly way to end a year of writing. However, when you do anything on the Internet, you are automatically required to make lists. I have made lists on other websites like Serious Eats (fried chicken) and Thrillist (Loop Lunches), and people get excited to read them, because they are excited to tell you that you… Read more →
As you all know, living a healthy life is very important. It is a good idea to take care of yourself, so that you can have healthy bowel movements to brag about at parties. I am obviously going to cool parties. I like to call my get-togethers “Parties of One,” since they usually involve me and your mother and she doesn’t really count.… Read more →
Thanksgiving is coming up in two days, can you believe it? It is such a marvelous holiday, where you get together with the relatives you can hardly stand, and are forced to cook and eat a giant overcooked turkey with them. Aunt Carol is off in the kitchen, downing half a bottle of your mother’s expired cooking sherry, and eventually one of… Read more →
As you all know, Thanksgiving is next Thursday. Thanksgiving is basically an excuse to kill a shitload of turkeys (sorry, turkeys) and shove them in the oven, because we are assholes. Supposedly this has something to do with some jerkoffs wearing funny hats who came over to pilfer the Americas, and fill it with fast food restaurants. Whatever. Apparently any excuse… Read more →
This is officially the first post of The Pizzle’s second year! Thank you guys for giving a shit and sending me those nice emails. I didn’t think anyone would actually email me. You see, I wait in front of the computer and mash on the refresh button for 24 hours a day. It’s not easy staying up that long, but… Read more →
Last October, I began my first step on a great journey. You see, October 31st, 2014, was the day I started The Pizzle. And guess what? It’s been a whole year since I started this stupid website! So happy birthday to me and you. I started this site because I was very tired of serious food blogs, which are essentially a giant circle… Read more →
As you all know, I am fascinated with children’s food. This is probably not the best sentence to start off with in any written piece, but I am not a normal human being. I’ve baked meatloaf in an Easy Bake Oven, made panna cotta from baby formula, tasted a shitload of Lunchables, and even made empanadas from Play-Doh (and probably nearly killed… Read more →
Today, I am discussing one of the most important subjects in all of human history: Farts. Food writers generally avoid talking about farts, because writing about food is very serious and proper, and you cannot talk about things like penises, farts, and poo. It is simply not allowed. However, I am a hard-hitting food writer, and I tackle the real subjects nobody… Read more →
I often use the Internet to do research on any kind of culinary disaster I can find. Most of the time, I find that my ideas are unique; nobody’s made Jolly Rancher Jelly or the Bust-a-Nut Cocktail, but every now and then, I find that some jerkface has already done something like Pepto Bismol Ice Cream (which I thought I’d made up on my… Read more →
Today is the first day of September, and that means fall is coming. Many people start being sad right about now because the days will get shorter, the temperature will drop, and the leaves will wither and spiral their way onto the ground. Fall is a reminder that everyone will die someday. So, just remember, death is coming. For you. I,… Read more →
When you’re trying to save money (or don’t have money), instant ramen is basically the greatest food ever. Sure, it has the nutritional value of deep-fried cardboard, but who doesn’t love a good bite of extremely salty cardboard now and then? Eating ramen in the same old way can get boring after a while, just like intimate activities with your mother… Read more →
People have an obsession of making food taste like other food. This concept is very childish. It’s kind of like naming an animal after another animal. Then again, I did name my cat Cricket after that bug-like chirp she makes often. I suppose, then I too, am very childish. Some of my best friends are stuffed animals. But as you know,… Read more →
Last Saturday, I was invited to the Gapers Block 3rd Annual Charity Hot Dog Cookoff to compete as a chef. They called me a “chef.” That’s the first time anyone has called me that. Most of the time, people call me “assbag.” I have never competed for anything food related in my life, so naturally, I shit my pants a few… Read more →
Now that we are well through the middle of summer, many people are reaping the benefits of a well-tended garden. I have friends who have an abundance of strawberries, raspberries, and plums, which is absolutely wonderful. There are few things that are better than fruit picked right off the vine. The high you get from crack cocaine smoked in an alleyway is pretty… Read more →