Today, I am discussing one of the most important subjects in all of human history: Farts. Food writers generally avoid talking about farts, because writing about food is very serious and proper, and you cannot talk about things like penises, farts, and poo. It is simply not allowed. However, I am a hard-hitting food writer, and I tackle the real subjects nobody wants to discuss, including flatulence. You see, if you do not know what a fart is, it is “flatus expelled through the anus.” That is where wind travels through your butthole and makes an interesting sound and sometimes an even more interesting smell. There is even a name for the scientific study of farts, and it is called flatology.
According to Wikipedia’s entry on flatulence (which you can read here), “It is normal for humans to pass flatus through the rectum, although the volume and frequency may vary greatly between individuals. It is also normal for intestinal gas passed through the rectum to have a characteristic feculent smell, although this too may vary in concentration.” I did not know “feculent” was even a word so I will begin using it at parties.
During my 34-and-a-half years on this planet, I have noticed that people have varying opinions on farts. Some people highly enjoy the relief of passing gas, while others find it repulsive, especially when you expel anal wind while shopping at Target. Since I am an expert on everything, I am highly qualified to write about this subject matter. There are not many noises a human body can generate aside from vocal utterances, so being able to make noises from another part of your body is truly a great talent. You can even do it while talking to another person, which means you are making multiple sounds at once. And the truth is, all humans fart, even the really attractive ones, no matter what they say.
I even wrote about trying to maximize flatulence production by creating a dip to serve at parties, where you can make everyone fart and go away. It was a very important piece and it even went viral, so you should probably read it right now.
The famous comedian Louis C.K. even has his own description on why farts are very funny, which you should check out. The video is only about a minute long so you have no excuses:
Earlier this year, I read about a product, the Pilule Pet (or “Fart Pill”) that is supposed to mask the smell of your farts and turn them into the scent of flowers, ginger, or chocolate. This product was invented by the greatest Frenchman the world has ever known, Christian Poincheval.
Mr. Poincheval looks like a cross between Santa Claus or a guy from ZZ Top, and it makes sense, because he is giving you the gift of appealing fart aroma, while rockin’ that hat.
Mr. Poincheval has been covered extensively by news outlets, and one very good piece can be found over here at The Verge. He has even extended his fart expertise to pets, and makes a powder for doggies that suffer from gas. Actually, the doggies don’t suffer as much as the owners do.
Since my body is already destroyed from garbage and alcohol, I said to myself, “Dannis Ree, this is a very important subject for a food writer to handle. Can you eat a shitload of these pills to see if they cover up the smell of farts? You must do this. Also, if a potential employer sees this post they will not hire you because you are clearly very stupid.”
You can purchase the fart pills on Christian’s website, Pilulepet.com. Since I am an impatient American scumbag, I purchased mine on Amazon, where I could receive them almost immediately. I picked the violet version because I did not want my farts to smell like chocolate; I didn’t want to train myself into a Pavlovian response to craving chocolate after farting.
The bottle is very small, just about the size of Mr. Bee (who is genuinely tiny), and has an unconvincingly cheap-looking label that even has Christian Poincheval on it. It is a little hard to see, but Mr. Poincheval is sitting on a leaf on the label, which is pretty cool.
Its ingredients include vegetable charcoal (activated charcoal is known for its odor reducing capabilities), gelatin (for the capsule covering), lithotame (which I believe is some kind of seaweed), propolis (a resinous material bees get from cone-bearing trees), myrtle (a flower), and violet aroma. Apparently Mr. Poincheval worked with a lab to create this formula. The bottle suggests six pills per day, which I believe you’re supposed to ingest with meals and not all at once.
The pills are the size of regular capsules and are filled with an all-black powdery substance. This is about what you would expect from a product that is mainly made of activated charcoal.
I opened a pill to see if they smelled like anything, and they do indeed have a floral scent. You would be hard-pressed to describe the smell as violet flower specifically, however. Also I hard-pressed your mother last night and twice this morning. I have the stamina of a randy horse.
To begin my experiment, I ate 8 oz. of my favorite Australian-style yogurt, Noosa. This yogurt is insanely delicious, and it is extremely smooth, sweet, and rich. It is almost like custard, and if you see it at the store, purchase it immediately and cram it up your ass.
The reason why I picked yogurt is because I am mildly lactose intolerant. Lactose does not give me intense diarrhea like some sensitive individuals, but it does fill me up with gas, which I use to repel women on a frequent basis.
However, for some reason the yogurt hardly yielded any farts, which was disappointing. In the many hours after I inhaled the entire tub of yogurt, I only farted once, and upon close inspection (waving the gas at my face), there was curiously no odor whatsoever. It was a ghost fart. I screamed with the voice of a lonely fallen angel, banned from Heaven, never to return to the paradise of cherubs and other happily farting angels.
To up the ante, I decided to combine many foods that often cause me to rip ass. In this test, I made an onion omelet. Onions contain a sugar that cannot be digested, so it ferments in your gut. As it ferments, it creates noxious onion fumes that eventually get released at the worst time possible, like during the most dramatic part of a movie, while you’re sitting in the theater pulling the popcorn trick on that bug-eyed girl you met from Tinder.
The eggs in an omelet also contain a high quantity of sulfur, that often produces a bouquet of anal death. Also for some reason I think the word omelet is very cute to look at and to say, and because I am a cute person I only eat cute things and make cute farts.
As you can see, I used an entire onion.
As the omelet happily bubbled away in my old-ass non-stick pan, I decided to cry in the kitchen. Tears contain salt, so they prove to be an excellent seasoning in most culinary applications.
In order to further maximize fart production, I topped the monster 3-egg onion omelet with sour cream and washed it down with a pint of milk. During my meal, I took down not two, but four pills to work as my fart camouflage. I’m a rebel.
This was sure to create the worst farts known to man, and I awaited my fate anxiously. I even made plans to go to a fancy cocktail bar for drinks with friends to see if I could release large amounts of toxic fumes without them knowing. All scientific experiments should really involve unsuspecting loved ones.
As I waited throughout the evening, I began to worry. Nothing was going on down below. No gurgles, no expanded belly, no gentle breeze knocking at my back door. At one point I did let out a small squeaker in the bathroom, but that was only because I was pushing purposely, a vein popping out of my forehead and a single drop of sweat rolling down the side of my face. I frantically tried to take a whiff, but then someone walked in and I pretended like I was doing the Macarena by myself at the urinal. I got a sideways look from the stranger and then I sprinted out of the bathroom like Usain Bolt at the Olympic Games.
By the time I returned home after lots of drinking and even a large helping of taco pizza, I was still empty-assed. Well, I did take an enormous dump, but that’s a rude thing to talk about. Later, I learned, activated charcoal is actually a flatulence reducer. I took four of those goddamn pills and it must have neutralized my ass activity completely. Stupid charcoal is an ass assassin.
So my verdict on whether or not these violet fart pills actually scent your farts remains inconclusive. But I still feel this entire post was successful — because I got you to read a lengthy post on farts, on the dumbest food blog in the world.