Category: Recipes

Yes, You’re Reading This Correctly: Kitty Litter Jalapeño Cornbread

You guys are amazing. First of all, thank you for the continued donations — they are still coming in, which is mind-boggling to me. I know, I’m starting to sound like a broken record now, but each time this happens I practically pass out. The fact that you would send money to some pet-food eating moron makes me really tingly (mainly… Read more →

I’m Sorry You Have Diarrhea: Pepto-Bismol Frozen Yogurt with Fiber Crumble and Kaopectate Whipped Cream

Diarrhea is the funniest thing in the world, if it’s not happening to you. Sadly, diarrhea is actually fatal in some parts of the world, so it really isn’t funny if you die of it. But if you think about it carefully, diarrhea really is the great equalizer. I know many of you do not think about diarrhea introspectively very often.… Read more →

Spaghettios alla Carbonara, or How to Become a Successful Food Blogger

Thank you all for the very nice birthday wishes last week! I got emails, tweets, comments, presents, and a ton of unsolicited penis pictures. You all know how to make a gal feel wanted. And thanks for the PayPal donations too. Hopefully 35 will be a much better year; I might as well run for president, because “President Dannis Ree”… Read more →

Happy Birthday, Dannis Ree: The Hummingbird (Feeder) Cake

Today is my 35th birthday! As most of you know, my 34th year on this planet was pretty difficult. If you’re just tuning in, I lost my job, my bank account got emptied out by a scammer, a drunk driver destroyed my beloved car, and a whole buttload of other entertaining horseshit happened. But not all of it was bad. The highlight… Read more →

Can You Make Girl Scout Cookies at Home?

First of all, I want to say thank you. Because last week, I put up this little button: And you guys clicked. You kept doing it. Holy shit. You guys sent so many hard-earned dollars that my eyes started lactating. During this stint of unemployment, it hasn’t been easy to justify spending money every week on this blog, especially since some… Read more →

How to Make Bone(r) Broth

Last Friday something hilarious happened. My debit card was compromised and some dude in California cleared out my entire checking account. Before any of you freak out, yes, the bank is working with me to resolve the issue. It is going to take quite a while since there is paperwork involved. Most of my money was squirreled away into my… Read more →

Let’s Eat Dumps For Dinner: I Finally Cooked From that Dump Dinners Cookbook

I hope all of you clowns had a wonderful Valentine’s Day! I went on a romantic date with your mother. We ate hot dogs, crammed a few up our asses, then talked about food blogs for two hours straight while practicing advanced Greco-Roman wrestling moves on each other. I ended up with a sprained penis, but in the end, it was worth it. I… Read more →

I Cooked Some Recipes From Coolio’s Cookbook

Something that many of you may not know is that Coolio has a cookbook called Cookin’ With Coolio: 5 Star Meals at a 1 Star Price. Yes, that Coolio, rap superstar known primarily for Gangsta’s Paradise. In case you don’t know who he is, here is the music video, which you should watch no matter what: The way you know Coolio… Read more →

Can You Cook a Steak Dinner in the Clothes Dryer?

Last night I drank a bunch and took some Ambien while trying to brainstorm my next Pizzle post. I spent 30 minutes stumbling around the apartment, farting loudly to myself, and I ate many snacks even though I was not very hungry. Even though doctors advise you not to not to mix Ambien and alcohol, I highly recommend it if you… Read more →

Let’s Go to Prison: Nutraloaf, aka Prison Loaf

I know a handful of people who have been incarcerated at some point. These people made some bad decisions and paid the price…with the iron fist of the law. Now, you may imagine that I live the criminal gangster lifestyle, but those widely circulated rumors are false. I’ve only ever gotten pulled over for speeding once, but the police officer let… Read more →

Happy 1st Birthday to The Pizzle!

Last October, I began my first step on a great journey. You see, October 31st, 2014, was the day I started The Pizzle. And guess what? It’s been a whole year since I started this stupid website! So happy birthday to me and you. I started this site because I was very tired of serious food blogs, which are essentially a giant circle… Read more →

Handi-Smac and Cheese

As you all know, I am fascinated with children’s food. This is probably not the best sentence to start off with in any written piece, but I am not a normal human being. I’ve baked meatloaf in an Easy Bake Oven, made panna cotta from baby formula, tasted a shitload of Lunchables, and even made empanadas from Play-Doh (and probably nearly killed… Read more →

Natto Baked Beans

A few weeks ago, I ate dinner with my friend Joyce from Chicago Agashi, at a great Chicago restaurant called Izakaya Mita. A while back, Joyce interviewed me about losing a hot dog cookoff (which you can read about here). Losing a hot dog cookoff is pretty cool. It feels good to lose every competition you’re in, because I lose at… Read more →

I Found a Recipe for Ground Beef Brownies and Then I Made Them

I often use the Internet to do research on any kind of culinary disaster I can find. Most of the time, I find that my ideas are unique; nobody’s made Jolly Rancher Jelly or the Bust-a-Nut Cocktail, but every now and then, I find that some jerkface has already done something like Pepto Bismol Ice Cream (which I thought I’d made up on my… Read more →

Can You Make Risotto From Rice Krispies?

Today is the first day of September, and that means fall is coming. Many people start being sad right about now because the days will get shorter, the temperature will drop, and the leaves will wither and spiral their way onto the ground. Fall is a reminder that everyone will die someday. So, just remember, death is coming. For you. I,… Read more →

Ramen Jello Salad

When you’re trying to save money (or don’t have money), instant ramen is basically the greatest food ever. Sure, it has the nutritional value of deep-fried cardboard, but who doesn’t love a good bite of extremely salty cardboard now and then? Eating ramen in the same old way can get boring after a while, just like intimate activities with your mother… Read more →

How to Lose a Hot Dog Cookoff

Last Saturday, I was invited to the Gapers Block 3rd Annual Charity Hot Dog Cookoff to compete as a chef. They called me a “chef.” That’s the first time anyone has called me that. Most of the time, people call me “assbag.” I have never competed for anything food related in my life, so naturally, I shit my pants a few… Read more →

The Joy of Canning: Jolly Rancher Jelly

Now that we are well through the middle of summer, many people are reaping the benefits of a well-tended garden. I have friends who have an abundance of strawberries, raspberries, and plums, which is absolutely wonderful. There are few things that are better than fruit picked right off the vine. The high you get from crack cocaine smoked in an alleyway is pretty… Read more →

How to Recreate a Wedding Banquet Hall Dinner at Home

Now that it is summer, many people are getting married.  I am in my mid-30’s and I have attended many weddings. I am very alone and do not think I will be married anytime soon. I even joined Tinder and the only person to swipe right on my picture was a very nice young lady who had horrible grammar. She gave… Read more →

What Happens When You Put SlimFast in a Shitty Ice Cream Maker?

Before I get started today, I would like to make an announcement: I won the Chicago Reader’s “Best Food Writer (of Your ‘Mama Jokes’)” for 2015! Yes, that really happened. Check it out here. It was a surprise to me, though the Chicago Reader did contact me a few weeks ago asking for a headshot, so I gave them this… Read more →

Despair Juice: The Toothpaste and Orange Juice Beermosa

Today is my first day of unemployment after my position was eliminated at work. It sucks because I actually loved that job — I got to write about food all day. But this isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me, so I’m going to bend over and cheerfully take it until I am employed again. In… Read more →

How to Ruin a Party: The Fart Dip Experiment

For a lot of publications, food writing is often about the illusion of glamour and making readers feel like they are left out of a cool kids party. Back when I freelanced more often, I was able to go to fancy events with fancy food. I took pretty photos for pieces I wrote, and sometimes when I wanted to feel like a… Read more →

Happy Mother’s Day: Baby Formula Panna Cotta With Baby Food Wine Sauce

As you guys know, Mother’s Day is coming up next Sunday. If you didn’t know, this is my reminder to you. Mother’s Day is a very important day to celebrate, because mothers are important people. The reason why mothers are important is because children are assholes. You started as a little squirming human tomato that only ate, slept, cried, and took massive dumps in… Read more →

Feel Better Soon: The Strawberry-Basil Robitussin Granita With Ricola Cough Drop Spun Sugar

The seasons are changing slowly here in Chicago, and when that happens, lots of people I know get bad allergies. Sometimes my allergies turn into a full-on sinus infection which transforms into a sore throat and cough. I got over mine a few weeks back, but now Harvey is not feeling well. He is coughing a lot, and even though he… Read more →

Can You Bake Meatloaf in an Easy-Bake Oven?

Children are wonderful, because they are the future. However, children are shitty cooks. If you asked a child to cook you dinner, there is a chance you will get a peanut butter jelly sandwich that has fallen in a litterbox. The peanut butter and jelly will not be spread evenly, there will likely be a bite taken out of it, and… Read more →

Balut Two Ways: The Balut Egg Salad Sandwich and The Balut Spam Scotch Egg

I like to watch television shows about food. In fact, many of you might be surprised — I originally got a lot of my real culinary knowledge from watching television. Now that food television has turned into dumb cooking competitions where people cook three-course meals while running around backwards and naked through a grocery store while blindfolded and maimed, I’ve… Read more →

Eat a Bag of Dicks: The All-Dick Meal

A thing that most of you may not know is why my blog is called The Pizzle.  While “pizzle” is a fun word to say, it is also a culinary delight. The word “pizzle” is actually the term to describe the penis of an animal. Apparently, according to this Wikipedia article, the term “pizzle” is most commonly used in Australia and New… Read more →

What Happens When You Juice an Entire Surf and Turf Dinner?

Ever since I juiced sausage with a hand press for The Chicago Italian Beef Combo Bloody Mary, aka Coach Juice, I’ve been fascinated with the idea of juicing. The result for the Bloody Mary was excellent, and I got a nice beautiful sip of sausage juice out of an Italian sausage. Who knew I would love drinking sausage juice so much? You guys… Read more →

The Dump Cake Dump Cake

I was out shopping for an Easy Bake Oven one day when I stumbled upon a cookbook, called Quick & Easy Dump Cakes. It’s by a lady named Cathy Mitchell. Many friends on Facebook and on Twitter have been regularly sending me photos of this book. It says a lot about my childish adult life that at least four people thought I should… Read more →