I feel like a total asshole. Because I know there’s a lot of you that have waited for me to come back and write more. Here’s some great news: I’m still writing. Yes, the same stuff, and everything. I just switched platforms to something called Substack. Substack is a newsletter and blog system all wrapped up in one, which means… Read more →
Happy Birthday, Dannis Ree: The Hummingbird (Feeder) Cake
Today is my 35th birthday! As most of you know, my 34th year on this planet was pretty difficult. If you’re just tuning in, I lost my job, my bank account got emptied out by a scammer, a drunk driver destroyed my beloved car, and a whole buttload of other entertaining horseshit happened. But not all of it was bad. The highlight… Read more →
The Pizzle Breaks the Final Frontier: I Cooked From the Natural Harvest Cookbook
Every week on The Pizzle, I find the boundaries of culinary innovation, and then I run past those boundaries and set the entire food blogging world on fire. I am truly a maverick when it comes to writing about food. I am also known as the world’s expert when it comes to developing recipes that cannot actually be eaten. What I’m… Read more →
Can You Make Girl Scout Cookies at Home?
First of all, I want to say thank you. Because last week, I put up this little button: And you guys clicked. You kept doing it. Holy shit. You guys sent so many hard-earned dollars that my eyes started lactating. During this stint of unemployment, it hasn’t been easy to justify spending money every week on this blog, especially since some… Read more →
I Cooked Some Recipes From Coolio’s Cookbook
Something that many of you may not know is that Coolio has a cookbook called Cookin’ With Coolio: 5 Star Meals at a 1 Star Price. Yes, that Coolio, rap superstar known primarily for Gangsta’s Paradise. In case you don’t know who he is, here is the music video, which you should watch no matter what: The way you know Coolio… Read more →
I Found the World’s Worst Children’s Food Kits in the History of Mankind
Happy new year, clowns! Boy, I didn’t think I’d make it to see 2016. You guys see what I eat on a weekly basis and it is very concerning to most people, including me. It is a miracle I am still alive, to be honest. I make a lot of poor decisions. I started 2016 with another bad decision when I… Read more →
Happy Holidays: Candy Cane and Pepto Bismol Cotton Candy (And Some Other Dumb Shit)
Happy holidays, everyone! This is the magical season of gift giving, where your loved ones buy you shit you don’t need, probably to apologize for the fact that they have been dickholes to you. In general, the best gift you can give to someone is to simply not be a dickhole, at least to their faces. The next best gift to… Read more →
Happy 1st Birthday to The Pizzle!
Last October, I began my first step on a great journey. You see, October 31st, 2014, was the day I started The Pizzle. And guess what? It’s been a whole year since I started this stupid website! So happy birthday to me and you. I started this site because I was very tired of serious food blogs, which are essentially a giant circle… Read more →
I Found a Recipe for Ground Beef Brownies and Then I Made Them
I often use the Internet to do research on any kind of culinary disaster I can find. Most of the time, I find that my ideas are unique; nobody’s made Jolly Rancher Jelly or the Bust-a-Nut Cocktail, but every now and then, I find that some jerkface has already done something like Pepto Bismol Ice Cream (which I thought I’d made up on my… Read more →
The Joy of Canning: Jolly Rancher Jelly
Now that we are well through the middle of summer, many people are reaping the benefits of a well-tended garden. I have friends who have an abundance of strawberries, raspberries, and plums, which is absolutely wonderful. There are few things that are better than fruit picked right off the vine. The high you get from crack cocaine smoked in an alleyway is pretty… Read more →
I Ate a Shitload of Fancy Dog Treats
When you’ve been unemployed as long as I have, sometimes your mind goes to dark places. My mind went straight to your mother’s cavernous ass. Actually, it’s not dark in there at all because that barn door is always wide open, but it does smell like a cheesemonger’s shop that has just caught on fire. A thing that cheers me up is hanging… Read more →
How to Recreate a Wedding Banquet Hall Dinner at Home
Now that it is summer, many people are getting married. I am in my mid-30’s and I have attended many weddings. I am very alone and do not think I will be married anytime soon. I even joined Tinder and the only person to swipe right on my picture was a very nice young lady who had horrible grammar. She gave… Read more →
What Happens When You Put SlimFast in a Shitty Ice Cream Maker?
Before I get started today, I would like to make an announcement: I won the Chicago Reader’s “Best Food Writer (of Your ‘Mama Jokes’)” for 2015! Yes, that really happened. Check it out here. It was a surprise to me, though the Chicago Reader did contact me a few weeks ago asking for a headshot, so I gave them this… Read more →
Happy Mother’s Day: Baby Formula Panna Cotta With Baby Food Wine Sauce
As you guys know, Mother’s Day is coming up next Sunday. If you didn’t know, this is my reminder to you. Mother’s Day is a very important day to celebrate, because mothers are important people. The reason why mothers are important is because children are assholes. You started as a little squirming human tomato that only ate, slept, cried, and took massive dumps in… Read more →
Feel Better Soon: The Strawberry-Basil Robitussin Granita With Ricola Cough Drop Spun Sugar
The seasons are changing slowly here in Chicago, and when that happens, lots of people I know get bad allergies. Sometimes my allergies turn into a full-on sinus infection which transforms into a sore throat and cough. I got over mine a few weeks back, but now Harvey is not feeling well. He is coughing a lot, and even though he… Read more →
Eat a Bag of Dicks: The All-Dick Meal
A thing that most of you may not know is why my blog is called The Pizzle. While “pizzle” is a fun word to say, it is also a culinary delight. The word “pizzle” is actually the term to describe the penis of an animal. Apparently, according to this Wikipedia article, the term “pizzle” is most commonly used in Australia and New… Read more →
The Dump Cake Dump Cake
I was out shopping for an Easy Bake Oven one day when I stumbled upon a cookbook, called Quick & Easy Dump Cakes. It’s by a lady named Cathy Mitchell. Many friends on Facebook and on Twitter have been regularly sending me photos of this book. It says a lot about my childish adult life that at least four people thought I should… Read more →
Which Toothpaste Tastes Most Like A Shamrock Shake?
As we inch towards spring, a marvelous event occurs every year, bringing a holy creation back from the dead. It rises from the cave that it has been buried in, killed by people who claimed they loved it and needed it. With its yearly return, angels sing its praises. This story may sound familiar to many of you. And as it… Read more →
The Sexual Chocolate Valentine’s Day Cake
Call me a sap, but I have a soft spot for Valentine’s Day. Before everyone goes into a tirade about how Valentine’s Day is some bullshit made-up holiday by Hallmark and card companies, it’s really an ancient holiday. The romantic part started during the High Middle Ages, supposedly having something to do with Geoffrey Chaucer. But right now none of… Read more →
Happy Thanksgiving, Clowns!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. There’s not many holidays that center only around eating, so enjoy the bounty of the turkey massacre! Also, enjoy this photo of Harvey chillin’ with his turkey ladies. Read more →
Jimmy Jamm’s Honey Cream Pie
Growing up in a Korean-American household, pie wasn’t something I really ate. The pies I did eat were those little hand-pies from Hostess, which were always good — but I knew deep inside, in my secret place, that those Hostess pies weren’t actual pies. I mean, they were a strange approximation of pie, I could just tell, even when I… Read more →