Last October, I began my first step on a great journey. You see, October 31st, 2014, was the day I started The Pizzle.
And guess what?
It’s been a whole year since I started this stupid website! So happy birthday to me and you. I started this site because I was very tired of serious food blogs, which are essentially a giant circle jerk of insufferable nutsacks talking about the cultural importance of things like beets and truffles in tribal clans from Turkmenistan.
I started as a real food writer — I cut my teeth at Serious Eats a long time ago (I will forever be grateful to them for letting some inexperienced moron write for them), wrote for a bunch of other places, and I just got burned out on people mutually masturbating over artisanal pound cake. I guess I am still a serious food writer sometimes; I still freelance now and then. But really, I just wanted an excuse to write about dicks all the time.
When I started The Pizzle, I just imagined me taking my food writing career, setting it on fire, and driving it off a cliff, with me cackling all the way down.
Strangely, this site had the opposite effect, and got me more attention than I expected. Oops.
So to celebrate today, I’m doing my own sort of clip show, but in the most pathetic way ever. I will be interviewing myself, Dennis Lee, with my interviewer being me, Dannis Ree. Interviewing yourself is extremely stupid. I, Dannis Ree, however, like to celebrate being the dumbest saddest person on the planet.
“Dannis Ree,” I said to myself, “How can you make this post really dumb? Interview yourself, you dumb fuck. Nobody wants to be near you anyway.”
Dennis, what the hell is wrong with you?
Oh, all sorts of things. My life is very quiet and that is making me sad. I’ve been looking for a job since June, and sometimes I feel like giving up. I want to run away, and never come back. I feel like that every day. When you’re alone most of the time, and crave real human contact, there’s a part of you that slowly dies. But the best kind of humor sometimes comes from the worst places, and I’m still laughing, mostly because I hate my own guts.
That was depressing. Why do you talk about penises and poo all the time?
Because I have a penis, and testicles and penises are funny to look at. They look like weird chickpeas. Also, everybody takes a dump (hopefully) and it’s just a part of life. I’ve noticed that the older I’m getting, the more I hear my friends talk about poo at parties. These conversations aren’t started by me, either, in case you’re wondering. I guess people just talk about poo a lot.
Are you really that lonely, like you say in all your posts?
Yes. Don’t feel sorry for me.
Who are Harvey and Mr. Bee?
Harvey and Mr. Bee have been with me for a very long time. They are very small and easy to take photos of, plus they’re really cute to look at. I took one photo of Harvey and put it in a post, then I decided to keep doing it. As far as I know, everyone loves Harvey and Mr. Bee. I like stuffed animals, even though I think I’m too old to have them, but they make me happy, so I’ve come to terms with it.
Why are you always having sex with people’s mothers? Aren’t yo’ momma jokes out of style?
Your mother is irresistible and an easy target for jokes. She’s below my desk right now, but she can’t talk, she’s busy.
Which post is your favorite? Everyone thinks you’re stupid.
I’d have to say I’m most proud of Eat a Bag of Dicks: The All Dick Meal. It was the post I was the most obsessed with doing. The Pizzle is named after penises — a pizzle is another name for a penis, usually an animal one that is consumed, so naturally, I had to do a post about the namesake of the blog.
There are so many fun posts, like Rice Krispie Risotto, the Bum Wine and MRE Pairing, the Bust a Nut Cocktail, the Baby Formula Panna Cotta, Pizza-Flavored Pizza, the Chicago Italian Beef Bloody Mary, and my critical review of Medieval Times shitty food. But really, I’ve loved every single post I’ve written. I mean, come on. I ate a bunch of cat food for dinner once, made a Valentine’s Day cake with ingredients I bought at the sex shop, and I even tested pills that are supposed to make your farts smell like violets. If I think a post isn’t funny, I just won’t put it up.
Also, stop calling me stupid, Dannis.
Where do you get all your godforsaken ideas?
I drink a lot.
Which of your posts were read the most, fuckass?
What Happens When You Juice a Surf and Turf Dinner actually took my site down. Some clown posted it on Reddit and it got 14,000 hits that day. I learned the hard way that you need to have some safeguards in place if that happens. My review of the Rollie Eggmaster apparently is still bringing a lot of people in for some reason, and my post on Fart Dip was spread all over the Internet. Unreal.
Man. You’ve written a lot of garbage. Has anything cool happened to you?
Well, I’ve made a lot of new friends, many of whom I’ve met in person. A lot of them call me Dannis now. That might be the best thing about it all. But some really interesting stuff happened, like some kid getting into film school because he turned my 7-Eleven post into a short film. It’s amazing, and he used all of my writing as the script for the film. I’m really happy for him.
Also, Mike Sula from the Chicago Reader gave me a Best of Chicago award, and that felt really, really, good. Especially since I’m so used to losing, not winning.
There are some amazing Google searches that hit your site. Show people.
I’m actually fairly concerned for all of you who have reached my blog via search engine. But one thing I can say is that my SEO optimization skills are the greatest known to man.
Are you making money off this blog?
That’s stupid, you unemployed loser. Why not?
Well, I don’t run ads. I’m doing all this work just to make people happy. If I didn’t like doing it, I wouldn’t be doing it. I have easily spent over $1,000 on everything I’ve done, but I don’t give a shit, even if I’m unemployed. I’m also stubborn as hell. I don’t want to beg for money on Patreon, like a lot of people do, or put up referrer links to Amazon so I get a kickback. A lot of the mommy and food blogs you see on the Internet are really scummy, since they do it to get free stuff, restaurant meals, or money, and only exist for pure greed. I’m not exaggerating. It’s so bad these days.
Yes, my final savings are dwindling, but I don’t care. I should, but I don’t. But I did get an unexpected gift from a reader once and it almost made me cry.
Well, I guess that’s nice. How come you don’t have a TV show?
I’m trying to understand why people keep asking me that. I get that question almost every week. That would really be my dream job, but somehow, I don’t think it’s going to happen. I wouldn’t even know where to start. And even if I got a TV show, I think I’m old enough to know that it would have its own pitfalls. Does anybody know how to get one going? Because I sure as hell don’t.
What about a cookbook?
Who would buy a cookbook where you wouldn’t cook the food in it?
Dennis, what would you say is the most surprising thing that you’ve learned, when people read The Pizzle?
The thing I hear the most is that people read my writing out loud to their husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, family, and friends. Adults don’t read out loud to each other very often, and there’s something genuinely cute about that idea. Especially when the material is so vulgar.
Just so you know, everyone really does love you, even though you are a horrible human being.
I know. And I love all of you so much it makes my chest hurt.
What’s next for you?
I don’t know. And that’s okay.
Any last words, assbag?
Yes. Thank all of you for reading my site, sharing my trainwreck, and for putting up with me, because you’re one of the last things keeping me from going stark raving mad.
The only request I have is that you guys say hello now and then — you can find me on Twitter and Facebook, but you know, I would really, really, love hearing from you by email. My email address is dennis at spacesbetween dot net. This site is mostly a one-way mirror and I have no idea who is out there, reading this stuff. And if you want to meet in person, I’m always up for that, unless you plan on murdering me, in which case, just make it quick and painless.
It’ll make for a good story later because “Loser Food Writer Mowed Down by a Hail of Gunfire” would make a good headline.
You’re all the best. And if you’re ever feeling down on yourselves, you can say, “At least I’m not Dannis Ree.”