I feel like a total asshole. Because I know there’s a lot of you that have waited for me to come back and write more. Here’s some great news: I’m still writing. Yes, the same stuff, and everything. I just switched platforms to something called Substack. Substack is a newsletter and blog system all wrapped up in one, which means… Read more →
My sister recently adopted a cool new cat. And by recently, I mean this happened like, uh, almost two years ago. That means this post has been in the hopper for close to TWO YEARS. For some reason I just never finished it. How does someone procrastinate on doing something for two years? Can you imagine not taking the trash… Read more →
If you want to be a well-respected food blogger, every now and then you need to tell people that you have your own take on a Mexican street food staple, elotes. Then you must accept the round of applause that follows, since you have obviously watched Food Network and become an expert on Mexican cuisine. Soon after, you will be flooded… Read more →
Hi, dickholes! I know, I know. It’s been a while. All right, maybe an entire year, down to the exact day. The truth is, l fell off a cliff in a drunken rage and then I died. I’ve made a full recovery since, and I took the liberty to get five additional penises implanted on my forehead during my surgeries.… Read more →
Visiting Davida last weekend in Las Vegas was one of the best spontaneous decisions I’ve ever made. I had so much fun with her. We laughed a lot, wandered around Las Vegas, and ate some great food that wasn’t the crap at Heart Attack Grill. And yes, like a bunch of you guys have needled me about, there was some… Read more →
First of all, I want to say thank you. Because last week, I put up this little button: And you guys clicked. You kept doing it. Holy shit. You guys sent so many hard-earned dollars that my eyes started lactating. During this stint of unemployment, it hasn’t been easy to justify spending money every week on this blog, especially since some… Read more →
I got a job! And a girlfriend! Just joshing around. I still don’t have a full-time job yet (this blog has rendered me unemployable), and my girlfriend is still my right hand. For some reason you guys really like it when I’m miserable and barely scraping by, because I go to my secret dark place and think about how to destroy the… Read more →
Back in July, I wrote a post about eating a shitload of dog treats to see how they tasted. Something I’ve never told anyone is why I was at the pet store in the first place. I was mentally in a dark place (actually I’m always in a dark place, which is chained up in your mother’s basement), and I’d heard of… Read more →
Last October, I began my first step on a great journey. You see, October 31st, 2014, was the day I started The Pizzle. And guess what? It’s been a whole year since I started this stupid website! So happy birthday to me and you. I started this site because I was very tired of serious food blogs, which are essentially a giant circle… Read more →
As you all know, I am fascinated with children’s food. This is probably not the best sentence to start off with in any written piece, but I am not a normal human being. I’ve baked meatloaf in an Easy Bake Oven, made panna cotta from baby formula, tasted a shitload of Lunchables, and even made empanadas from Play-Doh (and probably nearly killed… Read more →
I’ve had a serious bout of writer’s block lately, which is the worst thing any writer can endure, aside from a case of raging alcoholism and herpes. And I’m already an alcoholic with herpes, so the Unholy Trinity of Writing is now complete. When I have a case of Pizzle writer’s block this bad, I usually go into stores and wander… Read more →
I often use the Internet to do research on any kind of culinary disaster I can find. Most of the time, I find that my ideas are unique; nobody’s made Jolly Rancher Jelly or the Bust-a-Nut Cocktail, but every now and then, I find that some jerkface has already done something like Pepto Bismol Ice Cream (which I thought I’d made up on my… Read more →
The other week, I created a pizza Frankenstein known as the Pizza-Flavored Pizza, where I created a pizza that was topped only with pizza-flavored ingredients. It was wonderful and stupid, just like me. But that day, I rediscovered Kraft Lunchables. My parents never bought me Lunchables when I was a kid, and I would always be jealous of the other children… Read more →
Now that we are well through the middle of summer, many people are reaping the benefits of a well-tended garden. I have friends who have an abundance of strawberries, raspberries, and plums, which is absolutely wonderful. There are few things that are better than fruit picked right off the vine. The high you get from crack cocaine smoked in an alleyway is pretty… Read more →
When you’ve been unemployed as long as I have, sometimes your mind goes to dark places. My mind went straight to your mother’s cavernous ass. Actually, it’s not dark in there at all because that barn door is always wide open, but it does smell like a cheesemonger’s shop that has just caught on fire. A thing that cheers me up is hanging… Read more →
Before I get started today, I would like to make an announcement: I won the Chicago Reader’s “Best Food Writer (of Your ‘Mama Jokes’)” for 2015! Yes, that really happened. Check it out here. It was a surprise to me, though the Chicago Reader did contact me a few weeks ago asking for a headshot, so I gave them this… Read more →
I got a job! Just kidding, I haven’t gotten a job yet. I’m too happy waking up late every day, taking long walks, playing video games, and piledriving your mother in bed. Three sentences in and I’m already cracking yo’ momma (that’s the urban spelling of “your mother”) jokes; I think that’s a new Pizzle record. But seriously, she’s a… Read more →
For a lot of publications, food writing is often about the illusion of glamour and making readers feel like they are left out of a cool kids party. Back when I freelanced more often, I was able to go to fancy events with fancy food. I took pretty photos for pieces I wrote, and sometimes when I wanted to feel like a… Read more →
I like to watch television shows about food. In fact, many of you might be surprised — I originally got a lot of my real culinary knowledge from watching television. Now that food television has turned into dumb cooking competitions where people cook three-course meals while running around backwards and naked through a grocery store while blindfolded and maimed, I’ve… Read more →
Sometimes, we all hit rock bottom. Turns out, based off the things I’ve eaten and documented on this blog, I’ve been at the bottom for a while. For example: Let’s say you’re wandering around, drunk, after a night out on the town. All the late-night restaurants have already closed, the streets drained of all signs of life except for the occasional… Read more →
My awesome coworker Alicia recently sent me a link about Purina Fancy Feast on Eater. You can read the fun stuff here. Apparently, Fancy Feast is Top Chef: All Stars Richard Blais’ favorite cat food, because he endorses it. Nothing screams Top Chef like cat food, which is food that (most) humans don’t even eat. And of course, I suddenly got struck by… Read more →
I’ve mentioned it before, but I don’t generally watch much football. You may not believe me because my last recipe was The Chicago Italian Beef Combo Bloody Mary, aka Coach Juice, which is simply a dumb coincidence. But, every year, I do go to Superbowl parties because if I don’t, I’ll spend that Sunday as I do most Sundays, which… Read more →