Category: Food Boner

The Pizzle Breaks the Final Frontier: I Cooked From the Natural Harvest Cookbook

Every week on The Pizzle, I find the boundaries of culinary innovation, and then I run past those boundaries and set the entire food blogging world on fire. I am truly a maverick when it comes to writing about food. I am also known as the world’s expert when it comes to developing recipes that cannot actually be eaten. What I’m… Read more →

How to Make Bone(r) Broth

Last Friday something hilarious happened. My debit card was compromised and some dude in California cleared out my entire checking account. Before any of you freak out, yes, the bank is working with me to resolve the issue. It is going to take quite a while since there is paperwork involved. Most of my money was squirreled away into my… Read more →

The Flavor Tripping Experiment Gone Wrong

I got a job! And a girlfriend! Just joshing around. I still don’t have a full-time job yet (this blog has rendered me unemployable), and my girlfriend is still my right hand. For some reason you guys really like it when I’m miserable and barely scraping by, because I go to my secret dark place and think about how to destroy the… Read more →

Valentine’s Day For One: What It’s Like to Eat Fondue by Yourself

As you all know, Valentine’s Day is next Sunday. Many of you will wave your hands and go, “Dannis, Valentine’s Day is silly. We celebrate our love every day. Valentine’s Day is a horseshit made-up holiday.” Then you will plan a cool Valentine’s Day date, either at a restaurant, or with a fancy meal at home for you and your… Read more →

How to Make Your Own Food-Based Lip Balm

I have been horrendously sick for the past few weeks. I didn’t think I’d be ready for this week’s Pizzle post, but since I am a true champion of the people, I persevered through horrible coughs, bloody noses, explosive diarrhea, and very little sleep. However, you mothers and fathers in the world have to deal with much more misery than… Read more →

I Cooked Some Recipes From Coolio’s Cookbook

Something that many of you may not know is that Coolio has a cookbook called Cookin’ With Coolio: 5 Star Meals at a 1 Star Price. Yes, that Coolio, rap superstar known primarily for Gangsta’s Paradise. In case you don’t know who he is, here is the music video, which you should watch no matter what: The way you know Coolio… Read more →

How to Plate Like a Restaurant Chef

One of the most entertaining parts of going out to eat at a fancy restaurant is seeing an artistic plate of food being put down before your eyes. Because you are paying $200 for very tiny plates of dollhouse food, it is extremely important to nod your head and say things like, “This is so whimsical! There is just so much… Read more →

Can You Cook a Steak Dinner in the Clothes Dryer?

Last night I drank a bunch and took some Ambien while trying to brainstorm my next Pizzle post. I spent 30 minutes stumbling around the apartment, farting loudly to myself, and I ate many snacks even though I was not very hungry. Even though doctors advise you not to not to mix Ambien and alcohol, I highly recommend it if you… Read more →

The Chicago-Style Hot Dog Terrine

When you live in Chicago, you are automatically required, by law, to talk about hot dogs every day. We talk about hot dogs all the time because we have our own style of hot dog, called “The Chicago-Style Hot Dog.”  Because the word “Chicago” is in the hot dog’s name, you are also required to get angry at other people for liking different… Read more →

Happy 1st Birthday to The Pizzle!

Last October, I began my first step on a great journey. You see, October 31st, 2014, was the day I started The Pizzle. And guess what? It’s been a whole year since I started this stupid website! So happy birthday to me and you. I started this site because I was very tired of serious food blogs, which are essentially a giant circle… Read more →

The Flavor of Love: The Flavored Condom Taste Test

In case you guys didn’t know, “Sweetest Day” was last Saturday. You probably didn’t know, which is okay. Sweetest Day is horseshit. When romantic holidays like St. Valentine’s Day come around, there’s always a bunch of angry people waving their fists in the air, saying, “The goddamn card and candy manufacturers made this shit up!” You probably know a few of… Read more →

Handi-Smac and Cheese

As you all know, I am fascinated with children’s food. This is probably not the best sentence to start off with in any written piece, but I am not a normal human being. I’ve baked meatloaf in an Easy Bake Oven, made panna cotta from baby formula, tasted a shitload of Lunchables, and even made empanadas from Play-Doh (and probably nearly killed… Read more →

Natto Baked Beans

A few weeks ago, I ate dinner with my friend Joyce from Chicago Agashi, at a great Chicago restaurant called Izakaya Mita. A while back, Joyce interviewed me about losing a hot dog cookoff (which you can read about here). Losing a hot dog cookoff is pretty cool. It feels good to lose every competition you’re in, because I lose at… Read more →

Don’t Make This at Home: Play-Doh Empanadas

I’ve had a serious bout of writer’s block lately, which is the worst thing any writer can endure, aside from a case of raging alcoholism and herpes. And I’m already an alcoholic with herpes, so the Unholy Trinity of Writing is now complete. When I have a case of Pizzle writer’s block this bad, I usually go into stores and wander… Read more →

Can You Make Risotto From Rice Krispies?

Today is the first day of September, and that means fall is coming. Many people start being sad right about now because the days will get shorter, the temperature will drop, and the leaves will wither and spiral their way onto the ground. Fall is a reminder that everyone will die someday. So, just remember, death is coming. For you. I,… Read more →

Ramen Jello Salad

When you’re trying to save money (or don’t have money), instant ramen is basically the greatest food ever. Sure, it has the nutritional value of deep-fried cardboard, but who doesn’t love a good bite of extremely salty cardboard now and then? Eating ramen in the same old way can get boring after a while, just like intimate activities with your mother… Read more →

Pizza-Flavored Pizza

People have an obsession of making food taste like other food. This concept is very childish. It’s kind of like naming an animal after another animal. Then again, I did name my cat Cricket after that bug-like chirp she makes often. I suppose, then I too, am very childish. Some of my best friends are stuffed animals. But as you know,… Read more →

How to Lose a Hot Dog Cookoff

Last Saturday, I was invited to the Gapers Block 3rd Annual Charity Hot Dog Cookoff to compete as a chef. They called me a “chef.” That’s the first time anyone has called me that. Most of the time, people call me “assbag.” I have never competed for anything food related in my life, so naturally, I shit my pants a few… Read more →

The Bust-a-Nut Cocktail

People often say, “Dannis, you should really think about opening a restaurant or bar.” My response is always this: “No way, assbag.” While I am generally stupid, I am smart enough to know that I would probably run a business into the ground in less than five minutes. Then people will know me as being a failure not only in… Read more →

Toasted Ravioli-Filled Ravioli-Filled Ravioli

I got a job! Just kidding, I haven’t gotten a job yet. I’m too happy waking up late every day, taking long walks, playing video games, and piledriving your mother in bed. Three sentences in and I’m already cracking yo’ momma (that’s the urban spelling of “your mother”) jokes; I think that’s a new Pizzle record. But seriously, she’s a… Read more →

Despair Juice: The Toothpaste and Orange Juice Beermosa

Today is my first day of unemployment after my position was eliminated at work. It sucks because I actually loved that job — I got to write about food all day. But this isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me, so I’m going to bend over and cheerfully take it until I am employed again. In… Read more →

How to Ruin a Party: The Fart Dip Experiment

For a lot of publications, food writing is often about the illusion of glamour and making readers feel like they are left out of a cool kids party. Back when I freelanced more often, I was able to go to fancy events with fancy food. I took pretty photos for pieces I wrote, and sometimes when I wanted to feel like a… Read more →

Happy Mother’s Day: Baby Formula Panna Cotta With Baby Food Wine Sauce

As you guys know, Mother’s Day is coming up next Sunday. If you didn’t know, this is my reminder to you. Mother’s Day is a very important day to celebrate, because mothers are important people. The reason why mothers are important is because children are assholes. You started as a little squirming human tomato that only ate, slept, cried, and took massive dumps in… Read more →

Baconfest Chicago is Insane

Chicago has lots of cool food festivals every year. There’s the Food Film Festival, where you get to watch short films about food and eat what’s on screen, Chicago Gourmet, which is strictly for rich people, and then there’s Baconfest. I can already hear some of you complaining like little clowns, saying, “Dannis, people put bacon on everything. When is… Read more →

Can You Bake Meatloaf in an Easy-Bake Oven?

Children are wonderful, because they are the future. However, children are shitty cooks. If you asked a child to cook you dinner, there is a chance you will get a peanut butter jelly sandwich that has fallen in a litterbox. The peanut butter and jelly will not be spread evenly, there will likely be a bite taken out of it, and… Read more →

Balut Two Ways: The Balut Egg Salad Sandwich and The Balut Spam Scotch Egg

I like to watch television shows about food. In fact, many of you might be surprised — I originally got a lot of my real culinary knowledge from watching television. Now that food television has turned into dumb cooking competitions where people cook three-course meals while running around backwards and naked through a grocery store while blindfolded and maimed, I’ve… Read more →

Eat a Bag of Dicks: The All-Dick Meal

A thing that most of you may not know is why my blog is called The Pizzle.  While “pizzle” is a fun word to say, it is also a culinary delight. The word “pizzle” is actually the term to describe the penis of an animal. Apparently, according to this Wikipedia article, the term “pizzle” is most commonly used in Australia and New… Read more →

The Dump Cake Dump Cake

I was out shopping for an Easy Bake Oven one day when I stumbled upon a cookbook, called Quick & Easy Dump Cakes. It’s by a lady named Cathy Mitchell. Many friends on Facebook and on Twitter have been regularly sending me photos of this book. It says a lot about my childish adult life that at least four people thought I should… Read more →