Category: No

The Pizzle Hits 250,000 Pageviews!

Hey, clowns! Eating glue sticks and frying packing peanuts to make Cheetos are really cool things to do every week, but today, I’m going to take a quick break and get some rest. I’m getting over a cold from this weekend and my stress levels about things like money, survival, and rectal prolapses are starting to get to me. As the greatest food… Read more →

School’s Out For Summer: The Glue Stick Taste Test

We’re in the home stretch of June, and if you have children (who I’m sure are all unique little snowflakes), they’re probably off on summer vacation. If you’re a teacher, I imagine you have a lot of leftover supplies sitting in your classroom, sitting around, useless. Some school supplies are actually perishable, like glue and paste. After summer, sometimes these things… Read more →

How to Make Puffy Cheetos at Home with Packing Peanuts

Visiting Davida last weekend in Las Vegas was one of the best spontaneous decisions I’ve ever made. I had so much fun with her. We laughed a lot, wandered around Las Vegas, and ate some great food that wasn’t the crap at Heart Attack Grill. And yes, like a bunch of you guys have needled me about, there was some… Read more →

The Pizzle Takes Las Vegas: The Heart Attack Grill is Actually Trying to Kill You

My very second post on this website was an essay called Something to Eat. It was a hilarious piece. By hilarious, I mean, it made people cry and not in the funny way. Basically, I decided one day to get up and leave Chicago without knowing where I was going, and the resulting trip made me feel a little better… Read more →

The Best Alcoholic Beverage to Inhale Through Your Humidifier

People often ask me where I get my inspiration for the greatest food blog in all of history. Some days, God reaches down from the heavens and whispers things into my ear, like, “Yo, you really need to eat some dicks, like actual dicks, because penises are hilarious, and I think you’re the idiot for the job.” Other days, like… Read more →

Yes, You’re Reading This Correctly: Kitty Litter Jalapeño Cornbread

You guys are amazing. First of all, thank you for the continued donations — they are still coming in, which is mind-boggling to me. I know, I’m starting to sound like a broken record now, but each time this happens I practically pass out. The fact that you would send money to some pet-food eating moron makes me really tingly (mainly… Read more →

No ID Necessary: 3 Easy Cocktails From Alcohol You Can Buy Legally Without Identification

Happy belated Mother’s Day, everyone! Especially to all the mothers I’ve fisted. Man, I’m seriously the worst. I called Satan on Skype the other day and he said I’m going to have a huge condo down in Hell, filled with angry mommy bloggers and food writers who hate me. He did mention that the view of the Third Circle will be… Read more →

I’m Sorry You Have Diarrhea: Pepto-Bismol Frozen Yogurt with Fiber Crumble and Kaopectate Whipped Cream

Diarrhea is the funniest thing in the world, if it’s not happening to you. Sadly, diarrhea is actually fatal in some parts of the world, so it really isn’t funny if you die of it. But if you think about it carefully, diarrhea really is the great equalizer. I know many of you do not think about diarrhea introspectively very often.… Read more →

Spaghettios alla Carbonara, or How to Become a Successful Food Blogger

Thank you all for the very nice birthday wishes last week! I got emails, tweets, comments, presents, and a ton of unsolicited penis pictures. You all know how to make a gal feel wanted. And thanks for the PayPal donations too. Hopefully 35 will be a much better year; I might as well run for president, because “President Dannis Ree”… Read more →

The Pizzle Breaks the Final Frontier: I Cooked From the Natural Harvest Cookbook

Every week on The Pizzle, I find the boundaries of culinary innovation, and then I run past those boundaries and set the entire food blogging world on fire. I am truly a maverick when it comes to writing about food. I am also known as the world’s expert when it comes to developing recipes that cannot actually be eaten. What I’m… Read more →

How to Eat Like a Dickhole: Donald Trump’s Favorite Food, Ranked From Boring to Horrendous

Politics are at a fever pitch right now, and America is galvanized by presidential candidates going at each other tooth and nail. This is the time when politicians make big promises to the country and say mean things about each other on television. Now, you may have figured this out already, but I am not a very political person. My… Read more →

Can You Make Girl Scout Cookies at Home?

First of all, I want to say thank you. Because last week, I put up this little button: And you guys clicked. You kept doing it. Holy shit. You guys sent so many hard-earned dollars that my eyes started lactating. During this stint of unemployment, it hasn’t been easy to justify spending money every week on this blog, especially since some… Read more →

How to Make Bone(r) Broth

Last Friday something hilarious happened. My debit card was compromised and some dude in California cleared out my entire checking account. Before any of you freak out, yes, the bank is working with me to resolve the issue. It is going to take quite a while since there is paperwork involved. Most of my money was squirreled away into my… Read more →

The Flavor Tripping Experiment Gone Wrong

I got a job! And a girlfriend! Just joshing around. I still don’t have a full-time job yet (this blog has rendered me unemployable), and my girlfriend is still my right hand. For some reason you guys really like it when I’m miserable and barely scraping by, because I go to my secret dark place and think about how to destroy the… Read more →

Let’s Eat Dumps For Dinner: I Finally Cooked From that Dump Dinners Cookbook

I hope all of you clowns had a wonderful Valentine’s Day! I went on a romantic date with your mother. We ate hot dogs, crammed a few up our asses, then talked about food blogs for two hours straight while practicing advanced Greco-Roman wrestling moves on each other. I ended up with a sprained penis, but in the end, it was worth it. I… Read more →

Valentine’s Day For One: What It’s Like to Eat Fondue by Yourself

As you all know, Valentine’s Day is next Sunday. Many of you will wave your hands and go, “Dannis, Valentine’s Day is silly. We celebrate our love every day. Valentine’s Day is a horseshit made-up holiday.” Then you will plan a cool Valentine’s Day date, either at a restaurant, or with a fancy meal at home for you and your… Read more →

How to Make Your Own Food-Based Lip Balm

I have been horrendously sick for the past few weeks. I didn’t think I’d be ready for this week’s Pizzle post, but since I am a true champion of the people, I persevered through horrible coughs, bloody noses, explosive diarrhea, and very little sleep. However, you mothers and fathers in the world have to deal with much more misery than… Read more →

Can You Cook a Steak Dinner in the Clothes Dryer?

Last night I drank a bunch and took some Ambien while trying to brainstorm my next Pizzle post. I spent 30 minutes stumbling around the apartment, farting loudly to myself, and I ate many snacks even though I was not very hungry. Even though doctors advise you not to not to mix Ambien and alcohol, I highly recommend it if you… Read more →

I Found the World’s Worst Children’s Food Kits in the History of Mankind

Happy new year, clowns! Boy, I didn’t think I’d make it to see 2016. You guys see what I eat on a weekly basis and it is very concerning to most people, including me. It is a miracle I am still alive, to be honest. I make a lot of poor decisions. I started 2016 with another bad decision when I… Read more →

The Worst of The Pizzle in 2015

Best-of lists are a very silly way to end a year of writing. However, when you do anything on the Internet, you are automatically required to make lists. I have made lists on other websites like Serious Eats (fried chicken) and Thrillist (Loop Lunches), and people get excited to read them, because they are excited to tell you that you… Read more →

Happy Holidays: Candy Cane and Pepto Bismol Cotton Candy (And Some Other Dumb Shit)

Happy holidays, everyone! This is the magical season of gift giving, where your loved ones buy you shit you don’t need, probably to apologize for the fact that they have been dickholes to you. In general, the best gift you can give to someone is to simply not be a dickhole, at least to their faces. The next best gift to… Read more →

I Tried Six Interesting Herbal Teas and the Results Will Shock Your Balls

As you all know, living a healthy life is very important. It is a good idea to take care of yourself, so that you can have healthy bowel movements to brag about at parties. I am obviously going to cool parties. I like to call my get-togethers “Parties of One,” since they usually involve me and your mother and she doesn’t really count.… Read more →

Let’s Go to Prison: Nutraloaf, aka Prison Loaf

I know a handful of people who have been incarcerated at some point. These people made some bad decisions and paid the price…with the iron fist of the law. Now, you may imagine that I live the criminal gangster lifestyle, but those widely circulated rumors are false. I’ve only ever gotten pulled over for speeding once, but the police officer let… Read more →

The Chicago-Style Hot Dog Terrine

When you live in Chicago, you are automatically required, by law, to talk about hot dogs every day. We talk about hot dogs all the time because we have our own style of hot dog, called “The Chicago-Style Hot Dog.”  Because the word “Chicago” is in the hot dog’s name, you are also required to get angry at other people for liking different… Read more →

How to Make a Spectacular Thanksgiving Centerpiece

Thanksgiving is coming up in two days, can you believe it? It is such a marvelous holiday, where you get together with the relatives you can hardly stand, and are forced to cook and eat a giant overcooked turkey with them. Aunt Carol is off in the kitchen, downing half a bottle of your mother’s expired cooking sherry, and eventually one of… Read more →

Arby’s Roast Beef Sandwich Thanksgiving Stuffing

As you all know, Thanksgiving is next Thursday.  Thanksgiving is basically an excuse to kill a shitload of turkeys (sorry, turkeys) and shove them in the oven, because we are assholes. Supposedly this has something to do with some jerkoffs wearing funny hats who came over to pilfer the Americas, and fill it with fast food restaurants. Whatever. Apparently any excuse… Read more →

I Made Beer Cheese With Beer Made For Dogs. Also, I Drank Some.

Back in July, I wrote a post about eating a shitload of dog treats to see how they tasted.  Something I’ve never told anyone is why I was at the pet store in the first place. I was mentally in a dark place (actually I’m always in a dark place, which is chained up in your mother’s basement), and I’d heard of… Read more →

Coq au Night Train Express aka Cirrhosis Chicken

This is officially the first post of The Pizzle’s second year!  Thank you guys for giving a shit and sending me those nice emails. I didn’t think anyone would actually email me. You see, I wait in front of the computer and mash on the refresh button for 24 hours a day. It’s not easy staying up that long, but… Read more →

Happy 1st Birthday to The Pizzle!

Last October, I began my first step on a great journey. You see, October 31st, 2014, was the day I started The Pizzle. And guess what? It’s been a whole year since I started this stupid website! So happy birthday to me and you. I started this site because I was very tired of serious food blogs, which are essentially a giant circle… Read more →