We’re in the home stretch of June, and if you have children (who I’m sure are all unique little snowflakes), they’re probably off on summer vacation.
If you’re a teacher, I imagine you have a lot of leftover supplies sitting in your classroom, sitting around, useless. Some school supplies are actually perishable, like glue and paste. After summer, sometimes these things dry up and become unusable, which is a total waste.
I think you guys already know where this is going. Not like the post title didn’t give it away.
People give me suggestions about what to do all the time, and today is no different. One day, Davida jokingly suggested, “Dannis, why don’t you try eating paste?” I chuckled, farting loudly, thinking she couldn’t hear it, but we were on a live phone conversation and she was on speaker. Then another friend of The Pizzle, Solar Angus, piped up on a secret food Illuminati group on Facebook. He suggested a paste taste test. I guess you guys all want to see me die of constipation.
So I said to myself, while vaping ham juice, “Dannis Ree, basically people want you to die. Just eat like, a bunch of glue sticks or something and pretend you’re a dumb child.”
I went to the nearest Office Depot and found the aisle with all the glue sticks in it.
I realize that glue sticks are not exactly the same as paste, but really, there aren’t a ton of different types of paste that people commonly use. Glue sticks are much more universal.
After haphazardly throwing every flav–I mean, uh, brand of glue stick in my basket, I took a look at a few and realized that not all of them are non-toxic. In fact, there’s a fair amount of them that aren’t non-toxic. So I dumped those out on the floor and only grabbed the ones that supposedly won’t kill me. If you are trying to keep your kid alive for more than five minutes during arts and crafts time, make sure you don’t accidentally purchase poison.
If I had any solid life advice to give all of you, it is to not eat glue sticks. Instead, let me be the one that accidentally kills myself.
The first glue stick I tried is the classic Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick.
Since I am a very cultured food writer, I decided to eat the glue stick on saltine crackers, which are a nice neutral accompaniment to slices of glue stick.
Elmer’s All-Purpose Glue Stick has a waxy texture to it (I know, shocker), but the most surprising part is the fact that it has a distinct pool water flavor, which gives way to a mealy aftertaste. Imagine biting into a chlorinated disc of waxy shortening, and that’s what eating glue sticks is like.
I went to college. I’ve been published by newspapers, magazines, and online outlets as a D-level food writer. Guys, I’m what success looks like.
Next, I tried the Elmer’s Xtreme Glue Stick.
Elmer’s Xtreme Glue Stick has less of a pool water flavor, which is much better, and it’s closer to eating something like lip balm rather than a starchy glue product. Overall, it has a clean finish, and isn’t particularly offensive. It might be called Xtreme, but it sure doesn’t taste like a finger-blasted explosion of massive glue flavor. Your father’s glue stick, on the other hand, has tons of flavor and a handy applicator tip.
By “glue stick,”I am actually referring to your father’s penis. Your mother and I are still on a break, but I’ve seen her wandering around the neighborhood. Every now and then she scratches at my window.
I was looking forward to trying the Elmer’s School Glue Naturals, because these sticks are plant-based.
Wait. Then what had I already eaten? Shit. I’m gonna die.
Elmer’s School Glue Naturals are strangely sweet. They have a perfume-like flavor that’s not entirely unpleasant, if you like eating bars of hotel soap. The stick dissolves rather quickly, leaving that soapy flavor behind, but I’ve eaten worse things. I’m sure I could plow down one of these glue sticks on a drunken evening of mayhem, washed down with some fine mouthwash cocktails.
Elmer’s Early Learners Washable Glue Sticks are designed for very small children who need to learn the critical skill of gluing shit to the walls of your home.
If there’s anything I know about children, it’s that they really like to eat brightly-colored items, so a purple glue stick must be very enticing. It sure is enticing for a 35-year-old man.
I can happily report that Elmer’s Early Learners Washable Glue Sticks taste like the back of postage stamps without the strong pool water flavor from the standard sticks; the chlorinated taste is very subtle.
If you’re into abusing postage stamps, then this is the glue stick for you.
At this point, I was eager to try the Scholastic brand of glue sticks, starting with the clear variety, to see if there were any major differences in brands.
Scholastic Clear Glue Sticks have an herbal flavor that melt away into a smoky, slightly burnt-rubber taste. The aftertaste is somewhat soapy, but in a different way from the Elmer’s Naturals. Given a choice between Elmer’s Naturals and Scholastic, I’d pick the Elmer’s because of its sweetness.
I’m hoping that I will never have to face this choice ever again.
Apparently purple is a very popular color for glue sticks, because Scholastic also has a deep purple colored stick.
I’ll let my notes do the talking on this one: “Very very plain. Dissolves okay. Very neutral. Good for those sensitive to flavor.”
In case you guys are wondering, I do in fact have a small notebook where I keep flavor notes on things such as this. It’s very scientific.
The Scholastic brand blue glue sticks are a very pale blue color, similar to the Elmer’s Xtreme sticks.
They taste exactly like the purple sticks. That is to say, they have very little flavor if none at all, aside from the expected starchiness. Blue isn’t a flavor, sadly. I was hoping for a hint of blue raspberry Slurpee, but I was out of luck.
I moved onto the next brand, Avery.
Avery’s glue sticks come in more of a lipstick tube, where the cap itself runs along the entire length of the glue stick. It’s probably like that to entice you to wipe it all over your lips and seal your mouth shut. And notice the omission of the letter “k.” It’s just “Glue Stic,” which is a very clever move by their marketing department.
At this point, I had some glue stick palate fatigue, but I know how to appreciate a plain glue stick. Plain glue sticks are like the vanilla flavor of ice cream — reliable, yet you take them for granted, especially after you’ve eaten a lot of them. Avery is about as plain as you can get, and I’m good with that. They’re starchy, with no fuss, and I’d be happy using them to glue some wontons shut for some dumplings.
As expected, purple Avery Glue Stics are just the same as the plain clear ones.
The color is prettier, but it’s kind of like colored Peeps. They might look nice, but they still taste really boring.
I really do eat all this stuff.
There are many things to doubt in this cold, cold, world of ours, but I honestly eat everything I say I do. And it’s almost always horrible. In this case, I’m just trying to simulate being a really stupid kid, but the truth is, I’m an even dumber adult.
It’s all a matter of taste, just like any other taste test. If you’re into sweet things, try the Elmer’s School Glue Naturals, but beware its strange aftertaste. Avoid the other Elmer’s sticks in general unless you’re really into drinking swimming pool water. Scholastic Clear is good if you’re into the taste of burnt rubber, and Avery’s are just pretty boring.
Actually, my conclusion is really, don’t eat glue sticks, and never, ever, do anything I do on this blog.
Trust me. You’ll live longer.