Category: Classics

The Relationship Test: Candy Corn Elotes

If you want to be a well-respected food blogger, every now and then you need to tell people that you have your own take on a Mexican street food staple, elotes. Then you must accept the round of applause that follows, since you have obviously watched Food Network and become an expert on Mexican cuisine. Soon after, you will be flooded… Read more →

How to Make Puffy Cheetos at Home with Packing Peanuts

Visiting Davida last weekend in Las Vegas was one of the best spontaneous decisions I’ve ever made. I had so much fun with her. We laughed a lot, wandered around Las Vegas, and ate some great food that wasn’t the crap at Heart Attack Grill. And yes, like a bunch of you guys have needled me about, there was some… Read more →

Yes, You’re Reading This Correctly: Kitty Litter Jalapeño Cornbread

You guys are amazing. First of all, thank you for the continued donations — they are still coming in, which is mind-boggling to me. I know, I’m starting to sound like a broken record now, but each time this happens I practically pass out. The fact that you would send money to some pet-food eating moron makes me really tingly (mainly… Read more →

Spaghettios alla Carbonara, or How to Become a Successful Food Blogger

Thank you all for the very nice birthday wishes last week! I got emails, tweets, comments, presents, and a ton of unsolicited penis pictures. You all know how to make a gal feel wanted. And thanks for the PayPal donations too. Hopefully 35 will be a much better year; I might as well run for president, because “President Dannis Ree”… Read more →

How to Eat Korean Barbecue on a Budget

These days, being unemployed and having my checking account wiped out a few weeks back, it is very important for me to enjoy food on a tight budget. This is generally a serious concern for not only me, but many people, because going out to eat can be quite expensive. If I am dining out with your mother I typically… Read more →

Valentine’s Day For One: What It’s Like to Eat Fondue by Yourself

As you all know, Valentine’s Day is next Sunday. Many of you will wave your hands and go, “Dannis, Valentine’s Day is silly. We celebrate our love every day. Valentine’s Day is a horseshit made-up holiday.” Then you will plan a cool Valentine’s Day date, either at a restaurant, or with a fancy meal at home for you and your… Read more →

Can You Cook a Steak Dinner in the Clothes Dryer?

Last night I drank a bunch and took some Ambien while trying to brainstorm my next Pizzle post. I spent 30 minutes stumbling around the apartment, farting loudly to myself, and I ate many snacks even though I was not very hungry. Even though doctors advise you not to not to mix Ambien and alcohol, I highly recommend it if you… Read more →

The Chicago-Style Hot Dog Terrine

When you live in Chicago, you are automatically required, by law, to talk about hot dogs every day. We talk about hot dogs all the time because we have our own style of hot dog, called “The Chicago-Style Hot Dog.”  Because the word “Chicago” is in the hot dog’s name, you are also required to get angry at other people for liking different… Read more →

How to Make a Spectacular Thanksgiving Centerpiece

Thanksgiving is coming up in two days, can you believe it? It is such a marvelous holiday, where you get together with the relatives you can hardly stand, and are forced to cook and eat a giant overcooked turkey with them. Aunt Carol is off in the kitchen, downing half a bottle of your mother’s expired cooking sherry, and eventually one of… Read more →

Arby’s Roast Beef Sandwich Thanksgiving Stuffing

As you all know, Thanksgiving is next Thursday.  Thanksgiving is basically an excuse to kill a shitload of turkeys (sorry, turkeys) and shove them in the oven, because we are assholes. Supposedly this has something to do with some jerkoffs wearing funny hats who came over to pilfer the Americas, and fill it with fast food restaurants. Whatever. Apparently any excuse… Read more →

I Made Beer Cheese With Beer Made For Dogs. Also, I Drank Some.

Back in July, I wrote a post about eating a shitload of dog treats to see how they tasted.  Something I’ve never told anyone is why I was at the pet store in the first place. I was mentally in a dark place (actually I’m always in a dark place, which is chained up in your mother’s basement), and I’d heard of… Read more →

Coq au Night Train Express aka Cirrhosis Chicken

This is officially the first post of The Pizzle’s second year!  Thank you guys for giving a shit and sending me those nice emails. I didn’t think anyone would actually email me. You see, I wait in front of the computer and mash on the refresh button for 24 hours a day. It’s not easy staying up that long, but… Read more →

Happy 1st Birthday to The Pizzle!

Last October, I began my first step on a great journey. You see, October 31st, 2014, was the day I started The Pizzle. And guess what? It’s been a whole year since I started this stupid website! So happy birthday to me and you. I started this site because I was very tired of serious food blogs, which are essentially a giant circle… Read more →

Handi-Smac and Cheese

As you all know, I am fascinated with children’s food. This is probably not the best sentence to start off with in any written piece, but I am not a normal human being. I’ve baked meatloaf in an Easy Bake Oven, made panna cotta from baby formula, tasted a shitload of Lunchables, and even made empanadas from Play-Doh (and probably nearly killed… Read more →

Don’t Make This at Home: Play-Doh Empanadas

I’ve had a serious bout of writer’s block lately, which is the worst thing any writer can endure, aside from a case of raging alcoholism and herpes. And I’m already an alcoholic with herpes, so the Unholy Trinity of Writing is now complete. When I have a case of Pizzle writer’s block this bad, I usually go into stores and wander… Read more →

Can You Make Risotto From Rice Krispies?

Today is the first day of September, and that means fall is coming. Many people start being sad right about now because the days will get shorter, the temperature will drop, and the leaves will wither and spiral their way onto the ground. Fall is a reminder that everyone will die someday. So, just remember, death is coming. For you. I,… Read more →

How to Lose a Hot Dog Cookoff

Last Saturday, I was invited to the Gapers Block 3rd Annual Charity Hot Dog Cookoff to compete as a chef. They called me a “chef.” That’s the first time anyone has called me that. Most of the time, people call me “assbag.” I have never competed for anything food related in my life, so naturally, I shit my pants a few… Read more →

Despair Juice: The Toothpaste and Orange Juice Beermosa

Today is my first day of unemployment after my position was eliminated at work. It sucks because I actually loved that job — I got to write about food all day. But this isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me, so I’m going to bend over and cheerfully take it until I am employed again. In… Read more →

Happy Mother’s Day: Baby Formula Panna Cotta With Baby Food Wine Sauce

As you guys know, Mother’s Day is coming up next Sunday. If you didn’t know, this is my reminder to you. Mother’s Day is a very important day to celebrate, because mothers are important people. The reason why mothers are important is because children are assholes. You started as a little squirming human tomato that only ate, slept, cried, and took massive dumps in… Read more →

Baconfest Chicago is Insane

Chicago has lots of cool food festivals every year. There’s the Food Film Festival, where you get to watch short films about food and eat what’s on screen, Chicago Gourmet, which is strictly for rich people, and then there’s Baconfest. I can already hear some of you complaining like little clowns, saying, “Dannis, people put bacon on everything. When is… Read more →

Can You Bake Meatloaf in an Easy-Bake Oven?

Children are wonderful, because they are the future. However, children are shitty cooks. If you asked a child to cook you dinner, there is a chance you will get a peanut butter jelly sandwich that has fallen in a litterbox. The peanut butter and jelly will not be spread evenly, there will likely be a bite taken out of it, and… Read more →

Eat a Bag of Dicks: The All-Dick Meal

A thing that most of you may not know is why my blog is called The Pizzle.  While “pizzle” is a fun word to say, it is also a culinary delight. The word “pizzle” is actually the term to describe the penis of an animal. Apparently, according to this Wikipedia article, the term “pizzle” is most commonly used in Australia and New… Read more →

What Happens When You Juice an Entire Surf and Turf Dinner?

Ever since I juiced sausage with a hand press for The Chicago Italian Beef Combo Bloody Mary, aka Coach Juice, I’ve been fascinated with the idea of juicing. The result for the Bloody Mary was excellent, and I got a nice beautiful sip of sausage juice out of an Italian sausage. Who knew I would love drinking sausage juice so much? You guys… Read more →

Fappy Valentine’s Day!

First of all, Happy Valentine’s Day! And to me, and all y’all single people — I wish you a wonderful self-loving day of loneliness. So Fappy Valentine’s Day to you, good single people of planet Earth. Know you’re not alone. Here’s a video I made one year ago to celebrate my loneliness on Valentine’s Day. I swear, I’m working on… Read more →

A Critical Look into the Cuisine of Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament

Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament is basically the greatest place on earth. It’s dinner theater (how much of this luxury even exists anymore?), with medieval-style games, including jousts, swordfights, horse dancing, and more. I’d been shouting at the castle every time I’d driven by it on the highway, and my friend Julie, who’s been sick of listening to me scream at… Read more →

Smoked Shrimp, Smoked Fingers, Smoked Happiness

I’m originally from the north suburbs of Chicago, and I’ve been living in the Ukrainian Village neighborhood for about a billion (ten) years now. And I think I was probably the last food nerd I know to go to the lonely-looking Calumet Fisheries on the 95th St bridge. Yes, it’s located on an actual bridge, which certainly makes it unique.… Read more →