You guys are amazing.
First of all, thank you for the continued donations — they are still coming in, which is mind-boggling to me. I know, I’m starting to sound like a broken record now, but each time this happens I practically pass out. The fact that you would send money to some pet-food eating moron makes me really tingly (mainly in the genitals), but it also warms the empty chambers of my cold, withered, heart. I’ve saved up enough to buy the bottom half of a Real Doll now.
Second of all, your suggestions are cracking me up. Last week’s suggestion by Davida morphed into me drinking mouthwash cocktails. I swear, you guys are trying to kill me, but, like, in a hilarious way. Today’s death wish is fueled by another reader suggestion, this time by a gentleman named Keef (check out his blog here), who suggested I create a very special cornbread recipe.
You need to watch this kitty litter commercial first:
If you’re not going to watch the whole thing (you should, there’s pee sniffing involved), skip to 0:27 and watch what these people do.
I remember I saw this commercial late one night when it first came out and I rewatched it at least six times to make sure I’d seen it correctly. But what did I see that I could not comprehend?
Those fake scientists ate kitty litter.
A lot of major pet stores carry this magical substance, which is called World’s Best Cat Litter.
Cats go pee and poo in it.
It’s a little tough to see the label, but if you read it, you’ll learn that this litter is made out of whole kernel corn.
One of its selling points is that it is considered flushable and safe for your septic tank. Your cat’s pee and poo can intermingle with yours in the sewer, which should help you feel even closer to your pet.
This litter looks like the clay litter I put in Cricket’s (my cat’s) litterbox.
It comes in the same small pebble shape as the clay variety, and is not just crushed popcorn kernels as I’d imagined.
Here is a closeup of the edible kitty litter.
It actually smells pretty good, kind of like a dry untoasted cereal. The scent is similar to Kellogg’s Corn Flakes or granola of some sort. Since the actors in the commercial munched on it like a snack, I did the same thing.
Do not eat kitty litter.
While it smells like breakfast cereal, it tastes sour and is very gritty. It does not taste very good at all. In fact, I gagged. Also, remember, your cat is supposed to take a dump into it. I basically ate cat toilet water.
This is a real reaction shot. I am a strange-looking person and can understand why nobody wants to caress this face aside from your mother, who clearly isn’t a very picky person.
“Dannis Ree,” Keef wrote, “This is a kitty litter that is somehow edible, made out of corn. I challenge you to turn this litter into a jalapeño cornbread without dying.”
Challenge accepted, Keef.
While I may be paraphrasing what Keef said, you guys already know that I’m a very lonely person with nothing to lose. I mean, I just ate plain kitty litter out of the bag. I have no money, no real job to speak of, and gallivanting around with your old bag of a mother somehow makes things worse. And today, I may or may not have adapted a recipe from a fictitious famous home cook with a name that rhymes with Schmetty Shmocker because I am lazy.
First, however, I needed to see if I could actually cook with the kitty litter.
Polenta is basically just boiled cornmeal.
I’ve said this before, but if you see a restaurant serving polenta, they are generally charging the shit out of you by calling it by an Italian name. All I did was add water and boil the kitty litter to see if it would thicken up.
The kitty litter thickened up quickly.
I am widely regarded as the greatest food writer on the planet, and managed to turn kitty litter into some semblance of food. I heard that Jesus did something similar once.
Did Jesus make polenta out of kitty litter?
Kitty litter polenta tastes mildly like grits, with slightly less of the weirdly sour flavor I’d gotten from the litter’s raw form. It is still gross. Do not make kitty litter polenta.
Bravely, I continued onto the kitty litter jalapeño cornbread, like an idiot.
In order to get the jalapeños into the mix, I put two of them under the broiler to get some char on them, plus to soften them up.
Once the peppers get some color to them, you can peel the waxy skin right off.
Chefs and television show hosts will recommend you shove roasted peppers into a paper bag to let them steam for a while and cook a little further, while loosening the skin for easy peeling. This technique works just fine with aluminum foil too.
But let’s face it. You’re not here to learn about actual cooking techniques. Some of you have me in your dead pool and stand to make some beer money.
Chop chop chop.
I highly recommend you chop up spicy peppers with your bare hands, rub your eyes, then touch your peepee like crazy. It’s a very good sensation, if you want to simulate gonorrhea. Trust me. I’m an expert.
This recipe calls for melted butter.
If I’m melting butter in the microwave, I always do it on low power to get it to melt gently, otherwise I might have a splattery mess. But it doesn’t really matter. Nobody ever cleans out the inside of their microwave. We all have better things to do, like masturbate furiously in public.
The wet ingredients need to be incorporated next, including the egg and milk.
All you need is for it to be roughly mixed up, since the dry stuff is being added in afterwards.
Add all-purpose flour, sugar (we Yankees love sweet, cake-like cornbread), kitty litter, chopped up jalapeño peppers, and salt.
It’s fine if it’s lumpy. You want to be reminded of the fact that you’re eating kitty litter anyway. Bragging about eating kitty litter cornbread will make you a giant hit at children’s parties or adult circumcision ceremonies.
I managed to somehow misplace my square baking pan at some point, so I used this 9″x9″ disposable foil one instead.
I know, it’s a waste. Just like this whole blog is.
Bake it at 400°F for 25 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean.
When I pulled this out of the oven the kitchen actually smelled very pleasant. I was mildly upset and somewhat erect at the same time. Food has that effect on me, but this is coming from someone who considers boning a Hot Pocket a poor man’s substitute for a Fleshlight.
Dannis Ree, what does kitty litter cornbread taste like?
I imagine I’m about as surprised as you are, but jalapeño cornbread made out of flushable kitty litter is actually good! I know, I can’t believe I’m saying this either. While its texture is certainly a little on the gritty side (I think the corn-based litter needs to hydrate a little longer in the batter), it really does taste like cornbread. The roasted spicy pepper adds a distracting level of grassy bitterness, while the sugar masks the slightly off-taste of the processed corn product. If I had to guess, the corn just needs a while to cook before its sour taste tapers off, and baking it in the oven seems to achieve this transformation.
Wow. I cooked with kitty litter. It’s like my life has fallen into the Mariana Trench and I haven’t reached the bottom yet. I will keep sinking further and further until I disappear altogether.
Your Paypal donations are just going to pay for my cremation.
Harvey decided to turn his back on me in the back of my flimsy cardboard light box, while Mr. Bee just stared.
He’s always staring. Watching. Ready to see me hit the grand finale. I’m getting there. It’s lonely when you’re the greatest food writer in all of history, swimming against the current of the Styx, heading towards the violet light and a hum.
I cooked with kitty litter.
I’m losing my mind.
[Thanks again for the idea, Keef.]
Kitty Litter Jalapeño Cornbread
- 2 large jalapeño peppers
- 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
- 1/2 stick butter
- 1 cup milk
- 1 large egg
- 1 1/2 cups World’s Best Cat Litter (unscented, clumping)
- 1 cup all-purpose flour
- 1/2 cup granulated white sugar
- 1 tablespoon baking powder
- 1 teaspoon salt
Preheat oven to 400°F.
Coat jalapeño peppers in 1 tablespoon vegetable oil and place under broiler on high. Roast until skin is blackened, flipping once, about 5-7 minutes. Place in ass, remove from ass, peel, and finely dice, removing ribs and seeds. Set aside.
Melt 1/2 stick butter on low power in microwave until completely melted. If melted butter spatters, do not clean microwave. Whisk butter with milk and egg in large mixing bowl until liquid ingredients are blended.
Mix in corn-based kitty litter, all-purpose flour, sugar, baking powder, chopped jalapeño peppers, and salt. Batter will be lumpy, but who gives a shit? Leave it that way.
Spray 9×9 inch pan with non-stick spray, pour batter into it, and bake for 25 minutes or until cake tester comes out clean.
Serve hot with a pat of butter. You’re eating kitty litter cornbread.
I’m proud of you. You did good, kid. Come join me in hell.