I feel like a total asshole. Because I know there’s a lot of you that have waited for me to come back and write more. Here’s some great news: I’m still writing. Yes, the same stuff, and everything. I just switched platforms to something called Substack. Substack is a newsletter and blog system all wrapped up in one, which means… Read more →
Category: Product Reviews
It’s a Pet Food Party: The Barkuterie Platter
My sister recently adopted a cool new cat. And by recently, I mean this happened like, uh, almost two years ago. That means this post has been in the hopper for close to TWO YEARS. For some reason I just never finished it. How does someone procrastinate on doing something for two years? Can you imagine not taking the trash… Read more →
What is the Best Spray Food Product to Shave With?
Hi, dickholes! I know, I know. It’s been a while. All right, maybe an entire year, down to the exact day. The truth is, l fell off a cliff in a drunken rage and then I died. I’ve made a full recovery since, and I took the liberty to get five additional penises implanted on my forehead during my surgeries.… Read more →
We Try the Worst Vape Flavors Known to Man
Hi, clowns! Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve last posted, but my day-to-day life has been focused on being a pizza maker at Paulie Gee’s Logan Square. I’m stunned by how many of you have come to visit and say hi. The support has helped keep my chin up, especially when I’ve been worn out like a little puppy… Read more →
Can You Make Girl Scout Cookies at Home?
First of all, I want to say thank you. Because last week, I put up this little button: And you guys clicked. You kept doing it. Holy shit. You guys sent so many hard-earned dollars that my eyes started lactating. During this stint of unemployment, it hasn’t been easy to justify spending money every week on this blog, especially since some… Read more →
The Flavor Tripping Experiment Gone Wrong
I got a job! And a girlfriend! Just joshing around. I still don’t have a full-time job yet (this blog has rendered me unemployable), and my girlfriend is still my right hand. For some reason you guys really like it when I’m miserable and barely scraping by, because I go to my secret dark place and think about how to destroy the… Read more →
Can You Cook a Steak Dinner in the Clothes Dryer?
Last night I drank a bunch and took some Ambien while trying to brainstorm my next Pizzle post. I spent 30 minutes stumbling around the apartment, farting loudly to myself, and I ate many snacks even though I was not very hungry. Even though doctors advise you not to not to mix Ambien and alcohol, I highly recommend it if you… Read more →
I Found the World’s Worst Children’s Food Kits in the History of Mankind
Happy new year, clowns! Boy, I didn’t think I’d make it to see 2016. You guys see what I eat on a weekly basis and it is very concerning to most people, including me. It is a miracle I am still alive, to be honest. I make a lot of poor decisions. I started 2016 with another bad decision when I… Read more →
Happy Holidays: Candy Cane and Pepto Bismol Cotton Candy (And Some Other Dumb Shit)
Happy holidays, everyone! This is the magical season of gift giving, where your loved ones buy you shit you don’t need, probably to apologize for the fact that they have been dickholes to you. In general, the best gift you can give to someone is to simply not be a dickhole, at least to their faces. The next best gift to… Read more →
Happy 1st Birthday to The Pizzle!
Last October, I began my first step on a great journey. You see, October 31st, 2014, was the day I started The Pizzle. And guess what? It’s been a whole year since I started this stupid website! So happy birthday to me and you. I started this site because I was very tired of serious food blogs, which are essentially a giant circle… Read more →
The Flavor of Love: The Flavored Condom Taste Test
In case you guys didn’t know, “Sweetest Day” was last Saturday. You probably didn’t know, which is okay. Sweetest Day is horseshit. When romantic holidays like St. Valentine’s Day come around, there’s always a bunch of angry people waving their fists in the air, saying, “The goddamn card and candy manufacturers made this shit up!” You probably know a few of… Read more →
Does the New Halloween Whopper® From Burger King Really Turn Your Poo Green?
Last weekend, I went to Door County, Wisconsin, for a beautiful outdoor wedding. It was the wedding of my friends Matt and Jessica. They are wonderful and I am very happy they got married. I went without a date as usual and was very sad because I had no one to slow dance with. Then I went outside and looked at the… Read more →
Do Violet Fart Pills Actually Make Your Farts Smell Like Violet?
Today, I am discussing one of the most important subjects in all of human history: Farts. Food writers generally avoid talking about farts, because writing about food is very serious and proper, and you cannot talk about things like penises, farts, and poo. It is simply not allowed. However, I am a hard-hitting food writer, and I tackle the real subjects nobody… Read more →
Save the Children: The Lunchables Taste Test
The other week, I created a pizza Frankenstein known as the Pizza-Flavored Pizza, where I created a pizza that was topped only with pizza-flavored ingredients. It was wonderful and stupid, just like me. But that day, I rediscovered Kraft Lunchables. My parents never bought me Lunchables when I was a kid, and I would always be jealous of the other children… Read more →
I Ate a Shitload of Fancy Dog Treats
When you’ve been unemployed as long as I have, sometimes your mind goes to dark places. My mind went straight to your mother’s cavernous ass. Actually, it’s not dark in there at all because that barn door is always wide open, but it does smell like a cheesemonger’s shop that has just caught on fire. A thing that cheers me up is hanging… Read more →
Does Pizza Hut’s Hot Dog-Stuffed Crust Pizza Taste as Dumb as it Looks?
Fast food companies are taking a huge dump right now. McDonald’s is closing a bunch of restaurants because they can’t keep up with places like Chipotle. Chipotle tacos and burritos are more expensive than a Big Mac, but this goes to show that people would prefer eating a little better (I say “little” because Chipotle burritos are still like 29348823 calories) rather… Read more →
Do Not Drink: 5 Terrible Sodas That Taste Like Hell on Earth
Lots of people say Twitter is a very silly waste of time and that people only say stupid things on it. But sometimes you can find some true gems of wisdom like this one from my favorite ex-convict, Martha Stewart. OMG. The head of the blue whale the largest animal that ever lived — Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) November 22, 2013… Read more →
Can You Bake Meatloaf in an Easy-Bake Oven?
Children are wonderful, because they are the future. However, children are shitty cooks. If you asked a child to cook you dinner, there is a chance you will get a peanut butter jelly sandwich that has fallen in a litterbox. The peanut butter and jelly will not be spread evenly, there will likely be a bite taken out of it, and… Read more →
What Happens When You Juice an Entire Surf and Turf Dinner?
Ever since I juiced sausage with a hand press for The Chicago Italian Beef Combo Bloody Mary, aka Coach Juice, I’ve been fascinated with the idea of juicing. The result for the Bloody Mary was excellent, and I got a nice beautiful sip of sausage juice out of an Italian sausage. Who knew I would love drinking sausage juice so much? You guys… Read more →
The Rollie Eggmaster is the Best Dumbest Cooking Device Ever Invented
Last week, my friend Melissa showed me a picture of a cooking device called the Rollie® Eggmaster Vertical Grill. It’s one of those “As Seen on TV” products. Basically, it’s designed to cook eggs in a tubular form for an easy on-the-go egg eating experience. Apparently eating and cooking eggs is a very difficult endeavor for many people. Plus, when you’re eating… Read more →