In case you guys didn’t know, “Sweetest Day” was last Saturday. You probably didn’t know, which is okay. Sweetest Day is horseshit. When romantic holidays like St. Valentine’s Day come around, there’s always a bunch of angry people waving their fists in the air, saying, “The goddamn card and candy manufacturers made this shit up!” You probably know a few of those assclowns. They are typically jilted lovers that are tired of angrily masturbating alone because they are assholes.
I am very lonely. I am not angry about it. Somewhere along the line it is my own fault.
But, in fact, Sweetest Day is total crap. Actual candy manufacturers tried to get it to be a real thing. So, fuck Sweetest Day. Since Valentine’s Day is months away, I didn’t want to wait a whole six months or whatever to write this one. If you celebrate Sweetest Day, I suspect you are basically just trying to get into someone’s pantalones before February.
Now, I’ve been to the sex shop a few times to write recipes. One was The Sexual Chocolate Valentine’s Day Cake, and the other was Eat a Bag of Dicks: The All-Dick Meal. I thought I’d eaten everything you can eat in a sex shop, but turns out I was wrong. I forgot flavored condoms, people. Now, condoms are made of latex, so they should not be eaten, but these are sprayed in flavoring, so technically, part of them is edible. I visited my favorite culinary sex shop, The Pleasure Chest, for today’s adventures. The people there are very nice and professional, even though I was giggling the whole time I was there.
“Dannis Ree,” you say, trying to keep a straight face, “What do these condoms taste like, and are they good? I am a gourmand and do not want to put something flavored into my mouth, vagina, ear, or ass if it does not taste good, so please let us horny readers know.”
See, the thing is, your mother and I do not use condoms. She’s old. Also, I’m a risk taker, so I play a little game called “Genital Roulette” when it comes to penetrating her.
Well, it turns out they sell a variety pack of flavored condoms in a very garish box. These are manufactured by a company called Trustex.
Harvey, Mr. Bee, and Morgan Freeman (peeking over the box) think the box is silly. Your mother’s box is silly too.
The condoms are wrapped in brightly colored wrappers so you know which flavor is which.
I can just hear you thinking, “Thank God. I don’t want to cram vanilla-flavored anything up my ass, so I will avoid the blue packets.”
Speaking of vanilla vaginal protectors, here we go!
Vanilla-flavored condoms do not have a strong taste. It’s a pretty innocuous slight floral flavor with a barely sweet aftertaste. I was hoping for a sensory punch to the balls, but there really isn’t much to say. It’s more of a smell thing. They smell pretty nice. Imagine getting a slight whiff of vanilla extract while you’re pouring it into cookie dough and that’s pretty much it. I give cookie-scented orifices a thumbs up the hole.
The next penis sheath in my mouth is grape.
Oh God. Grape-flavored condoms are not good. They taste a little like cough syrup. Unlike some of you culinary deviants, I do not particularly enjoy the taste of grape cough syrup. Don’t get me wrong, I love a can of grape soda once every five years, but this isn’t anywhere near the same thing. These condoms are also much sweeter than the vanilla version, but only for a short duration. I give the grape condom a flaccid penis of disapproval.
Time for the banana-flavored pecker poncho!
As you see, it’s bright yellow, just like a banana. I get it. What’s weird about the banana version is it does not taste like banana. It tastes like lies. I was expecting a childish fake banana flavor, like, say, that of Laffy Taffy candies or banana-shaped Runts, but no. It’s almost like the vanilla flavoring, without the complexity of vanilla. This is a complete and utter load of dick. Get it? See? Did you see what I did there? You see, I referred back to penises, since this post is about a thing you wear on your penis during recreational coital activities.
The penis goes in and out of your orifice of choice, stimulating it until the baby batter comes out. That’s what I learned in health class. Not in real life.
The banana-flavored condom gets jack. Because that’s what you’ll be doing after your partner gets a taste of this one.
Let’s move onto the chocolate cock cloak!
Guys, I could do this all day. In fact, I will do this all day since you’re sitting here reading it. I apologize in advance for those of you who get called into HR because they see what you’re reading.
Now, as you can see, this one has an ominous black color. It is the black color of death, since you’re trying to kill all those squirmy little spermies before getting to an eggie to make a baby. Spermies? Yes, I’m five.
And dear God, this is not a chocolate flavor. It tastes more like a chocolate-flavored flavor, if that makes any sense. It’s like someone smelled chocolate once and decided to try and make a taste based off a scent, without trying the actual ingredient. It’s like a scratch-and-sniff version of chocolate, but instead of scratching and sniffing, you’re having penetrative sex.
Well, you might be scratching and sniffing. What you do in your privates (heehee) time is none of my business. I give the chocolate-flavored condom one giant dong down.
Onto the mint-flavored mushroom head hat!
In general, I like mint a lot. I eat a lot of mints because I enjoy the taste, plus they cover up the rotten smell that comes out of my mouth whenever I taste stuff for my blog. I’m going to say it right now: Mint-flavored condoms do not taste like mint. If there is a mint flavor, it’s very tiny, kind of like my penis. It’s similar to the banana-flavored condom above; if you did not know what it was supposed to taste like, you would not be able to identify it.
I did some thinking about it. You probably don’t want the searing sensation of mint in your holes anyway. I can’t imagine it’s good for those delicate tissues. I’m going to test this with some Vick’s VapoRub on your mother. If you hear her shouting, just ignore her as usual.
I give this mint-flavored condom zero out of one penises.
And last, but not least, the strawberry-flavored baby prevention device!
Yet again, this strawberry-flavored condom does not taste like its namesake. It does have a sickly sweet bouquet, you can try taking a big whiff, but the flavor is of artificial sweetener and a slight bit of tartness. The grape-flavored version gave it more effort. I give this an “N.” An “N” for “Not gonna have sex using this piece of shit.”
Well, that was fun. It was over too quick, if you ask me. But we’ve all heard that more than a few times, right?
[Edit: I have had some people complain that they don’t believe I did this. Proof is below. Ignore my fat face. Also, I chose vanilla.]