Category: What the Fuck?

How to Make Puffy Cheetos at Home with Packing Peanuts

Visiting Davida last weekend in Las Vegas was one of the best spontaneous decisions I’ve ever made. I had so much fun with her. We laughed a lot, wandered around Las Vegas, and ate some great food that wasn’t the crap at Heart Attack Grill. And yes, like a bunch of you guys have needled me about, there was some… Read more →

The Pizzle Takes Las Vegas: The Heart Attack Grill is Actually Trying to Kill You

My very second post on this website was an essay called Something to Eat. It was a hilarious piece. By hilarious, I mean, it made people cry and not in the funny way. Basically, I decided one day to get up and leave Chicago without knowing where I was going, and the resulting trip made me feel a little better… Read more →

The Best Alcoholic Beverage to Inhale Through Your Humidifier

People often ask me where I get my inspiration for the greatest food blog in all of history. Some days, God reaches down from the heavens and whispers things into my ear, like, “Yo, you really need to eat some dicks, like actual dicks, because penises are hilarious, and I think you’re the idiot for the job.” Other days, like… Read more →

Yes, You’re Reading This Correctly: Kitty Litter Jalapeño Cornbread

You guys are amazing. First of all, thank you for the continued donations — they are still coming in, which is mind-boggling to me. I know, I’m starting to sound like a broken record now, but each time this happens I practically pass out. The fact that you would send money to some pet-food eating moron makes me really tingly (mainly… Read more →

No ID Necessary: 3 Easy Cocktails From Alcohol You Can Buy Legally Without Identification

Happy belated Mother’s Day, everyone! Especially to all the mothers I’ve fisted. Man, I’m seriously the worst. I called Satan on Skype the other day and he said I’m going to have a huge condo down in Hell, filled with angry mommy bloggers and food writers who hate me. He did mention that the view of the Third Circle will be… Read more →

I’m Sorry You Have Diarrhea: Pepto-Bismol Frozen Yogurt with Fiber Crumble and Kaopectate Whipped Cream

Diarrhea is the funniest thing in the world, if it’s not happening to you. Sadly, diarrhea is actually fatal in some parts of the world, so it really isn’t funny if you die of it. But if you think about it carefully, diarrhea really is the great equalizer. I know many of you do not think about diarrhea introspectively very often.… Read more →

Spaghettios alla Carbonara, or How to Become a Successful Food Blogger

Thank you all for the very nice birthday wishes last week! I got emails, tweets, comments, presents, and a ton of unsolicited penis pictures. You all know how to make a gal feel wanted. And thanks for the PayPal donations too. Hopefully 35 will be a much better year; I might as well run for president, because “President Dannis Ree”… Read more →

How to Eat Korean Barbecue on a Budget

These days, being unemployed and having my checking account wiped out a few weeks back, it is very important for me to enjoy food on a tight budget. This is generally a serious concern for not only me, but many people, because going out to eat can be quite expensive. If I am dining out with your mother I typically… Read more →

Can You Make Girl Scout Cookies at Home?

First of all, I want to say thank you. Because last week, I put up this little button: And you guys clicked. You kept doing it. Holy shit. You guys sent so many hard-earned dollars that my eyes started lactating. During this stint of unemployment, it hasn’t been easy to justify spending money every week on this blog, especially since some… Read more →

How to Make Bone(r) Broth

Last Friday something hilarious happened. My debit card was compromised and some dude in California cleared out my entire checking account. Before any of you freak out, yes, the bank is working with me to resolve the issue. It is going to take quite a while since there is paperwork involved. Most of my money was squirreled away into my… Read more →

The Flavor Tripping Experiment Gone Wrong

I got a job! And a girlfriend! Just joshing around. I still don’t have a full-time job yet (this blog has rendered me unemployable), and my girlfriend is still my right hand. For some reason you guys really like it when I’m miserable and barely scraping by, because I go to my secret dark place and think about how to destroy the… Read more →

How to Make Your Own Food-Based Lip Balm

I have been horrendously sick for the past few weeks. I didn’t think I’d be ready for this week’s Pizzle post, but since I am a true champion of the people, I persevered through horrible coughs, bloody noses, explosive diarrhea, and very little sleep. However, you mothers and fathers in the world have to deal with much more misery than… Read more →

How to Plate Like a Restaurant Chef

One of the most entertaining parts of going out to eat at a fancy restaurant is seeing an artistic plate of food being put down before your eyes. Because you are paying $200 for very tiny plates of dollhouse food, it is extremely important to nod your head and say things like, “This is so whimsical! There is just so much… Read more →

Can You Cook a Steak Dinner in the Clothes Dryer?

Last night I drank a bunch and took some Ambien while trying to brainstorm my next Pizzle post. I spent 30 minutes stumbling around the apartment, farting loudly to myself, and I ate many snacks even though I was not very hungry. Even though doctors advise you not to not to mix Ambien and alcohol, I highly recommend it if you… Read more →

I Found the World’s Worst Children’s Food Kits in the History of Mankind

Happy new year, clowns! Boy, I didn’t think I’d make it to see 2016. You guys see what I eat on a weekly basis and it is very concerning to most people, including me. It is a miracle I am still alive, to be honest. I make a lot of poor decisions. I started 2016 with another bad decision when I… Read more →

Happy Holidays: Candy Cane and Pepto Bismol Cotton Candy (And Some Other Dumb Shit)

Happy holidays, everyone! This is the magical season of gift giving, where your loved ones buy you shit you don’t need, probably to apologize for the fact that they have been dickholes to you. In general, the best gift you can give to someone is to simply not be a dickhole, at least to their faces. The next best gift to… Read more →

I Tried Six Interesting Herbal Teas and the Results Will Shock Your Balls

As you all know, living a healthy life is very important. It is a good idea to take care of yourself, so that you can have healthy bowel movements to brag about at parties. I am obviously going to cool parties. I like to call my get-togethers “Parties of One,” since they usually involve me and your mother and she doesn’t really count.… Read more →

The Chicago-Style Hot Dog Terrine

When you live in Chicago, you are automatically required, by law, to talk about hot dogs every day. We talk about hot dogs all the time because we have our own style of hot dog, called “The Chicago-Style Hot Dog.”  Because the word “Chicago” is in the hot dog’s name, you are also required to get angry at other people for liking different… Read more →

How to Make a Spectacular Thanksgiving Centerpiece

Thanksgiving is coming up in two days, can you believe it? It is such a marvelous holiday, where you get together with the relatives you can hardly stand, and are forced to cook and eat a giant overcooked turkey with them. Aunt Carol is off in the kitchen, downing half a bottle of your mother’s expired cooking sherry, and eventually one of… Read more →

Arby’s Roast Beef Sandwich Thanksgiving Stuffing

As you all know, Thanksgiving is next Thursday.  Thanksgiving is basically an excuse to kill a shitload of turkeys (sorry, turkeys) and shove them in the oven, because we are assholes. Supposedly this has something to do with some jerkoffs wearing funny hats who came over to pilfer the Americas, and fill it with fast food restaurants. Whatever. Apparently any excuse… Read more →

Coq au Night Train Express aka Cirrhosis Chicken

This is officially the first post of The Pizzle’s second year!  Thank you guys for giving a shit and sending me those nice emails. I didn’t think anyone would actually email me. You see, I wait in front of the computer and mash on the refresh button for 24 hours a day. It’s not easy staying up that long, but… Read more →

Happy 1st Birthday to The Pizzle!

Last October, I began my first step on a great journey. You see, October 31st, 2014, was the day I started The Pizzle. And guess what? It’s been a whole year since I started this stupid website! So happy birthday to me and you. I started this site because I was very tired of serious food blogs, which are essentially a giant circle… Read more →

The Flavor of Love: The Flavored Condom Taste Test

In case you guys didn’t know, “Sweetest Day” was last Saturday. You probably didn’t know, which is okay. Sweetest Day is horseshit. When romantic holidays like St. Valentine’s Day come around, there’s always a bunch of angry people waving their fists in the air, saying, “The goddamn card and candy manufacturers made this shit up!” You probably know a few of… Read more →

Does the New Halloween Whopper® From Burger King Really Turn Your Poo Green?

Last weekend, I went to Door County, Wisconsin, for a beautiful outdoor wedding. It was the wedding of my friends Matt and Jessica. They are wonderful and I am very happy they got married. I went without a date as usual and was very sad because I had no one to slow dance with. Then I went outside and looked at the… Read more →

Natto Baked Beans

A few weeks ago, I ate dinner with my friend Joyce from Chicago Agashi, at a great Chicago restaurant called Izakaya Mita. A while back, Joyce interviewed me about losing a hot dog cookoff (which you can read about here). Losing a hot dog cookoff is pretty cool. It feels good to lose every competition you’re in, because I lose at… Read more →

Do Violet Fart Pills Actually Make Your Farts Smell Like Violet?

Today, I am discussing one of the most important subjects in all of human history: Farts. Food writers generally avoid talking about farts, because writing about food is very serious and proper, and you cannot talk about things like penises, farts, and poo. It is simply not allowed. However, I am a hard-hitting food writer, and I tackle the real subjects nobody… Read more →

Don’t Make This at Home: Play-Doh Empanadas

I’ve had a serious bout of writer’s block lately, which is the worst thing any writer can endure, aside from a case of raging alcoholism and herpes. And I’m already an alcoholic with herpes, so the Unholy Trinity of Writing is now complete. When I have a case of Pizzle writer’s block this bad, I usually go into stores and wander… Read more →

I Found a Recipe for Ground Beef Brownies and Then I Made Them

I often use the Internet to do research on any kind of culinary disaster I can find. Most of the time, I find that my ideas are unique; nobody’s made Jolly Rancher Jelly or the Bust-a-Nut Cocktail, but every now and then, I find that some jerkface has already done something like Pepto Bismol Ice Cream (which I thought I’d made up on my… Read more →