Diarrhea is the funniest thing in the world, if it’s not happening to you.
Sadly, diarrhea is actually fatal in some parts of the world, so it really isn’t funny if you die of it. But if you think about it carefully, diarrhea really is the great equalizer. I know many of you do not think about diarrhea introspectively very often.
Imagine the person you look up to the most, say, an actor, singer, or writer (me). Now imagine them (me) having explosive diarrhea. Not so lofty now, right? That has actually happened to them (me) at some point in their (my) lives, probably a lot more than you’d imagine. This is okay. It is all a part of the rainbow of existence. I am mainly talking about the brown and smelly part of the rainbow.
I can picture many of you closing this tab in your browser now. For those of you who stay, you will be rewarded with an innovative new recipe, one that will make you feel better when you are sick. Or, conversely, it will make you feel even sicker.
You see, last week I had horrible diarrhea.
I had violent cramps in my intestines at four in the morning, got up, and shot fire out of my ass for 10 minutes. When I lay back down to go to sleep, I got right back up and did it again for another 10 minutes. This is truly the most moving saga of our time. Before I went back to bed, I took a giant swig of Pepto-Bismol, which did not taste very good. But I needed it so my stomach would stop bothering me.
So I said to myself, sitting on the toilet, with my face all scrunched up, “Dannis Ree, that medicine you took did not taste very good. However, it is very important medicine so you do not shit the bed while you sleep. What can you do to make the eating experience of diarrhea medication much better?”
I could make a dessert, a comforting yet delicious one, to make people feel better about taking medicine that would stop them from doing a massive amount of watery poo. It would contain all the ingredients you needed to put a virtual cork in your ass.
What kind of horrible food writer talks about diarrhea for an entire post? I have been published in many reputable outlets for actual food writing. I must have a career death wish.
This unfortunate bout of diarrhea would give birth to Pepto-Bismol Frozen Yogurt with Fiber Crumble and Kaopectate Whipped Cream.
First, you’ll need the right equipment.
This set of cooking tools you see in the photo is like the Hall of Fame for The Pizzle. The pasta maker on the left I used for Toasted Ravioli-Filled Ravioli-Filled Ravioli, while the cotton candy machine I used for Pepto-Bismol cotton candy.
Wait, I already cooked with Pepto-Bismol?! Oh God. I also used the ice cream machine once when I put SlimFast in it. I have all these nice things for my kitchen and all I cook is horrible garbage.
Yes, you want to start with full-fat yogurt.
People often think that fat-free yogurt is going to give them salvation from a lifetime of bad diet decisions, but that is not true. Fat-free yogurt does not contain dietary redemption. The fat in the yogurt gives your final product extra flavor, body, and satisfaction, plus its consistency will be silkier. Otherwise you might end up with an unappealing icy mess. Because Pepto-Bismol frozen yogurt wasn’t disgusting to begin with.
What about Greek yogurt? That is up to you. Live your life freely like all those women in the yogurt commercials.
Get your frozen yogurt base ready.
I used Max Falkowitz’s simple, yet wonderful recipe for frozen yogurt from Serious Eats, to get started. It calls for a cup of sugar to a quart of full-fat plain yogurt (with a tiny touch of salt), and that’s it.
I chose yogurt because it contains probiotic cultures to get your digestive tract back to normal. Regular ice cream, as delightful as it is, does not contain microscopic butt flora in it.
The resulting mixture should have a pale pink color and a general sense of foreboding to it.
I know a lot about food, yet I spend my time developing horrendous recipes. Why do I keep doing this? I imagine there’s something clinically wrong with me other than suffering from occasional diarrhea. Perhaps I need attention, or the loving caress from another person who isn’t your mother, whose hands feel like tattered burlap.
Transfer your base to the ice cream vessel and let it chill in the fridge for about an hour.
If your base isn’t cooled enough, it will result in an inconsistent frozen dairy treat, and you don’t want that. Disappointment is probably one of the worst seasonings for food.
Plain ice cream or yogurt is kind of depressing, so it is important to add a mix-in to your frozen dessert.
The base is just a ganache, which is chocolate, cream, and butter, and will solidify in your frozen yogurt like a ribbon. But this isn’t going to be some boring chocolate addition. You have diarrhea. Let’s make this special.
Loperamide pills are something I affectionately call “cement mixers.”
I call them that because when you take one, that watery mess in your ass gets stopped up. Oddly, of all things, loperamide is an opioid, like heroin, but it doesn’t get you high. It mainly keeps you from shitting your pants. One time I sharted at a 4th of July parade and had to throw away my underwear at a police station. I have lived through some truly dark times.
These tablets are very powdery, so they should crush easily in your mortar and pestle.
If you do not have a mortar and pestle, a plastic bag and some rage should do the trick. If you have common sense, you would not be putting opioids into your food. Also, if you have common sense, you would be reading something else right now.
I had to fight your mother off because she tried to snort the whole pile. Old habits die hard. When she wants something, she is quite strong.
Simply mix this into your warm ganache and let it cool off until it is at room temperature.
It’s frankly quite delicious. There’s nothing a little chocolate can’t fix, including severe diarrhea.
Get your ice cream machine ready with the ice and salt.
Salt helps the temperature of the ice fall below 32°F, which will help firm up your frozen yogurt base. If your mixture doesn’t get cold enough, it simply won’t freeze, and you’ll be left with cold Pepto-Bismol yogurt, which is horrible. Just kidding. This whole thing is horrible.
After about 30 minutes, your frozen yogurt will have set up considerably to the texture of cake batter.
Most people don’t realize that ice cream or frozen yogurt doesn’t come out to the consistency you’re used to right away. It has to be frozen for another four to five hours.
During that time, you will still be suffering from a constant stream of diarrhea. I am sorry I chose such a long recipe. You should probably just bite the bullet and take the medicine by itself.
Transfer your frozen yogurt base to another container so you can swirl in your chocolate ribbons.
This is a meatloaf pan. If I ever invite you over for dinner and I serve you meatloaf, just know I made Pepto-Bismol frozen yogurt into it at some point, and that you should never come back for dinner.
Artistry is important.
Gorgeous frozen desserts have ribbons in them. When the room temperature loperamide ganache hits the frozen yogurt, it seizes up and turns into solid chocolate chunks. This is a metaphor. You want solid chocolate chunks. Out your ass.
To make the crumble topping for your frozen yogurt sundae delight, you need to start with some fiber cookies.
Some of you are saying, “Dr. Dannis, isn’t fiber supposed to make you take a dump? Isn’t that what we’re trying to stop?” While the answer is yes, having extra fiber during times of diarrhea distress is actually beneficial. The fiber acts kind of like a sponge in your colon to soak up all the extra ass juices, so your fudge sets up before you extrude it.
Crush the fiber cookies with some additional high-fiber bran cereal that I’m pretty sure is just sawdust and cardboard pellets.
Guys, this is poo crumble topping. This is poo crumble topping! This is a recipe for healthy poo! I am truly a groundbreaker in recipe development. When you think about it, poo is the opposite of food, so this recipe really just cancels itself out.
While most crumble toppings call for you to put the ingredients in the oven, small batches can be done on the stovetop.
All you really need is butter, sugar, and your fiber treats, and keep the mixture moving in the pan until it is a little toasted. It’ll burn quickly, so if you’re suffering from the Hershey squirts, run right back! But wash your hands. Always wash your hands. With soap.
Vanilla is a really strange flavor for diarrhea medicine.
It tastes like chalkier vanilla SlimFast, which is both a bad and good thing. However, if you’re going to make whipped cream out of it, vanilla-flavored Kaopectate could not be a better fit. This is kind of awesome.
In order to make vanilla-flavored Kaopectate whipped cream, pour a few tablespoons into your whipping cream before you beat it off.
I mean before you beat the cream off. Not yourself. That would be too much.
Once stiff peaks start to form in your whipped cream, you’re good to go.
You can put this in the refrigerator or have someone’s mother lick it off your nipples too. It will also solve their diarrhea issues.
Here is the final product!
This is Pepto-Bismol Frozen Yogurt with Fiber Crumble and Kaopectate Whipped Cream. If you eat enough of this, you’ll never take a dump ever again. Too bad it’s fucking disgusting. While Pepto-Bismol is mildly minty, which wouldn’t be so bad by itself, plain sweetened yogurt is very tart with an almost fruity flavor, and the two do not combine very well. It’s even stranger when you add rich, anti-diarrheal chocolate to the mixture. The fiber crumble, however, is delicious, crunchy, and sweet, and vanilla-flavored Kaopectate whipped cream is actually really, really, good, if not a touch chalky.
Man, I wrote a whole post about diarrhea and food (and you read it). I’m a terrible human being and even worse food writer. Only God can judge me now.
Right after I finish taking this gloriously normal dump.
Pepto-Bismol Frozen Yogurt with Fiber Crumble and Kaopectate Whipped Cream
For the yogurt:
- 1 qt. full-fat plain yogurt
- 1 cup sugar
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 4 oz. Pepto-Bismol or generic version
For the ribbon:
- 1/4 cup heavy whipping cream
- 1 tablespoon granulated sugar
- 1 tablespoon butter
- A bunch of chocolate
- 10 loperamide pills
For the crumble:
- 4 fiber cookies
- 1 cup bran cereal, or organic chewed up wood
- 1 tablespoon sugar
- 1 tablespoon butter
For the whipped cream:
- 8 oz. whipping cream
- 1 oz. vanilla-flavored Kaopectate
- 2 tablespoons granulated sugar
Skip all the steps and ingredients and just take diarrhea medicine and be done with it. Seriously, it’s not worth the 10 hours of work I put into this whole stupid thing.
And thanks, as always, for the donations — expect some more thank you emails!
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