Category: Burgers

The Pizzle Takes Las Vegas: The Heart Attack Grill is Actually Trying to Kill You

My very second post on this website was an essay called Something to Eat. It was a hilarious piece. By hilarious, I mean, it made people cry and not in the funny way. Basically, I decided one day to get up and leave Chicago without knowing where I was going, and the resulting trip made me feel a little better… Read more →

How to Eat Like a Dickhole: Donald Trump’s Favorite Food, Ranked From Boring to Horrendous

Politics are at a fever pitch right now, and America is galvanized by presidential candidates going at each other tooth and nail. This is the time when politicians make big promises to the country and say mean things about each other on television. Now, you may have figured this out already, but I am not a very political person. My… Read more →

I Found the World’s Worst Children’s Food Kits in the History of Mankind

Happy new year, clowns! Boy, I didn’t think I’d make it to see 2016. You guys see what I eat on a weekly basis and it is very concerning to most people, including me. It is a miracle I am still alive, to be honest. I make a lot of poor decisions. I started 2016 with another bad decision when I… Read more →

Happy 1st Birthday to The Pizzle!

Last October, I began my first step on a great journey. You see, October 31st, 2014, was the day I started The Pizzle. And guess what? It’s been a whole year since I started this stupid website! So happy birthday to me and you. I started this site because I was very tired of serious food blogs, which are essentially a giant circle… Read more →

Does the New Halloween Whopper® From Burger King Really Turn Your Poo Green?

Last weekend, I went to Door County, Wisconsin, for a beautiful outdoor wedding. It was the wedding of my friends Matt and Jessica. They are wonderful and I am very happy they got married. I went without a date as usual and was very sad because I had no one to slow dance with. Then I went outside and looked at the… Read more →

I Ate a Shitload of Fancy Dog Treats

When you’ve been unemployed as long as I have, sometimes your mind goes to dark places. My mind went straight to your mother’s cavernous ass. Actually, it’s not dark in there at all because that barn door is always wide open, but it does smell like a cheesemonger’s shop that has just caught on fire. A thing that cheers me up is hanging… Read more →

Fappy Valentine’s Day!

First of all, Happy Valentine’s Day! And to me, and all y’all single people — I wish you a wonderful self-loving day of loneliness. So Fappy Valentine’s Day to you, good single people of planet Earth. Know you’re not alone. Here’s a video I made one year ago to celebrate my loneliness on Valentine’s Day. I swear, I’m working on… Read more →

2015 is Already Really Weird: White Castle Veggie Burgers and Fairlife Ultra-Filtered Milk

Happy New Year, bitches! Welcome to 2015. Let’s hope it’s a little better than 2014. The first post I have on tap is twofold, with items totally unrelated to each other, but both fall into the category I like to call, “What the fuck?” One: White Castle is now offering veggie burgers. What the fuck? Two: Coca-Cola is launching a milk… Read more →

Umami Burger

Umami Burger, a burger chain from sunny Los Angeles, landed in Chicago in September. It’s just north of my neighborhood. I’ve been putting off going, since chain restaurants don’t usually give me a food boner. But I like the idea — their burgers (and the rest of their food) are loaded with umami flavor, which many people consider the fifth… Read more →