Politics are at a fever pitch right now, and America is galvanized by presidential candidates going at each other tooth and nail.
This is the time when politicians make big promises to the country and say mean things about each other on television. Now, you may have figured this out already, but I am not a very political person. My life is generally very simple. I only live by a few personal rules, and my top rule is, don’t be a dickhole. This might seem like an easy rule to live by, but you would be surprised at how many human beings are incapable of doing basic things such as this.
That being said, there is one particular presidential candidate that seems to live by the opposite rule, which is, always be a dickhole, and that is Donald Trump.
Donald Trump frequently does very bizarre things, and this is coming from me, a human trainwreck. He once said he would probably date his own daughter, and talked about the size of his penis during a televised debate recently. As you all know I enjoy discussing penises, but most presidential candidates generally do not talk about their own penises on television, which makes this even more interesting. I am trying to picture him talking to various heads of state while wildly gesturing at his genital area, and the only thing I can picture happening right after that is the Apocalypse, for some reason.
He is also very good at using Twitter, as evidenced by the following tweet:
Amazing how the haters & losers keep tweeting the name “F**kface Von Clownstick” like they are so original & like no one else is doing it…
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 3, 2013
But I am also good at using Twitter, and I like to ask Donald Trump penis questions sometimes.
.@realDonaldTrump Hi Donald, big fan. What's the best kind of swimsuit to hide an erection?
— Fart Sandwich (@FartSandwich) May 29, 2015
I did not get a response to this Very Important Question.
Now, a good way to understand someone’s character is by the food they like to eat.
For example, I eat a lot of pet food, toothpaste, and baby formula. So that means my character is that of a self-loathing lonely person who has a lot of infantile hangups. But what can you learn about a presidential candidate based off the garbage he might eat?
So I said to myself, “Dannis Ree, you know a lot about food and personality. Can you look into Donald Trump’s favorite foods and analyze them from a critical food standpoint? There’s no way this assbag knows anything about food. This could be hilarious and people will think you are being political even though you are actually just being a turd as usual.”
Turd on, dudes.
It is very important to get into the mindset of the person you are trying to understand better.
Since Donald Trump has a very silly haircut, I have revived this old picture of me wearing a similar-colored wig. Nevermind the fake mustache. The hairstyle is accurate, though. This is called method acting, which is a technique many famous actors use to become the characters they play in a movie. I knew that this was working when I began to feel like an enormous asshole.
I’ll go through this list from least-offensive to most-offensive, you know, for a little tension, and to force you to read the whole stupid thing.
Donald Trump is apparently a peanut fiend. Here is a 10 second video of him saying the word “peanuts” a bunch of times. According to Eater, Donald Trump likes to eat them and not just talk about them. Sometimes I like to eat peanuts. I do not seek them out very often but if I see a peanut on the sidewalk, I will generally eat it. Your mother prefers a whole different kind of nut and it’s usually blasted onto her face.
If you want to pretend you’re a really knowledgeable food writer, go around telling people that peanuts are actually legumes and not tree nuts, but do it unprompted, like at an NRA rally or something. Everyone will consider you a real resource of information while they’re waving their guns around in the air.
Verdict: Boring. I do not know many people who just sit around eating peanuts.
6. A well-done cheeseburger.
According to this Newsmax article, Donald Trump enjoys cheeseburgers that are well-done. I prefer mine medium-rare if they’re thicker, because they aren’t cooked to hell that way, but depending on the style of burger sometimes well-done can also be okay — specifically if they’re thin, griddled patties with a delicious seared crust exterior.
My suspicion is that Trump is one of those clowns that thinks a medium-rare burger is raw in the center (it isn’t), and that this will give him diarrhea. I have a feeling he has chronic diarrhea anyway which is why he always appears orange. Another suspicion I also have is that Donald Trump is a hairy nutsack who may actually be comprised of a bunch of racist garden gnomes glued together.
Verdict: Sad. People who think medium-rare meat is raw generally don’t understand many basic things, like how to be a decent person. I’m talking about Donald Trump specifically and not any of you guys.
5. Meatloaf sandwich.
Donald Trump was once on my favorite felon’s television show (Martha Stewart), and they made a fancy meatloaf sandwich together. When you think about it, a meatloaf sandwich isn’t much different from a hamburger. It’s bread and mostly red meat (with a blend of mild flavoring and binders), and it often comes with a ketchup-like sauce, which also accompanies many burgers. I don’t like meatloaf very much but mainly because I think it is usually boring and oftentimes dry.
Verdict: Stupid. It is stupid only because one of Trump’s favorite foods is pretty much the same thing as another one of his favorite foods.
4. Cherry-vanilla ice cream.
According to US Weekly, Donald Trump likes cherry-vanilla ice cream. I searched all over the freezer section at my nice grocery store and did not find anything listed as cherry-vanilla, but I did find a cherry ice cream with vanilla in it. Vanilla ice cream is like the missionary position of ice cream. It’ll fill the hole of need and sometimes be perfectly satisfying, but it can be boring.
Adding cherry to vanilla ice cream is like adding a finger in the back door, while everything else about the sex stays more or less the same. I had some of this cherry-vanilla-ish ice cream and decided it was actually kind of gross.
Also another thing about this sex analogy is that Donald Trump has children, which means someone probably did some sex things with him in order for that to happen. Can you even imagine that? I picture him on all fours being milked like a cow. What I’m saying is that Donald Trump might be your father because of your mother’s murky past. I’m sorry.
Verdict: Vulgar. This was supposed to be about ice cream and I referred to fingers in b-holes instead. This redirection is Trump’s signature move and so is the butthole thing.
3. Bacon and Eggs
We’re starting to get into dumber food territory here. Bacon and eggs are generally quite delicious, right? Well, according to People magazine, Donald Trump likes his bacon medium and his eggs over-well.
Guys, this is medium-cooked bacon.
This shit is flaccid, flabby, and chewy, not to mention extra greasy, and we’re already talking about bacon. What kind of monster likes leathery bacon?
I really like my eggs soft, such as in poached, soft-boiled, or sunny side up, but I know other people prefer them in different ways.
Many people I know only eat scrambled eggs, but Trump likes his eggs cooked over-well, which means the whites are rubbery and the yolks are chalky, dry, and overcooked. Where’s the enjoyment in that? Maybe he will threaten to build a Mexican wall around people who like runny eggs too. Or he’ll probably sue them. Or sue me.
Verdict: Atrocious. Let’s just build a wall around Trump instead and let him eat his rubbery breakfast in silence.
2. Steak, well-done.
Food and Wine reports that Donald Trump orders his steaks well-done. For crying out loud, man. This guy is hellbent on ruining everything.
Also, check out this horrible commercial.
It’s not really so much of a commercial as it is just Trump shouting at the camera for nearly two minutes about steak. It’s pretty clear he has no idea what he’s talking about. He promptly ran his steak business into the ground after that. Impressive.
In order to cook your steaks to well-done, simply put it on the stove on high heat in any kind of pan (doesn’t matter) and fall asleep for 30 minutes to eight hours.
The smoke alarm doubles as a cooking timer; when it goes off, then you know the food is done. Just keep it on there for an another 20 minutes just to be safe.
I mean, look at that thing.
Harvey, an invertebrate stuffed animal, managed to do a Matrix-style backflip in this photo while Mr. Bee tried to fly away from it. I caught it all on camera. You could actually play hockey with that thing, it’s so rubbery.
Verdict: Sick. Stop talking about building dumb walls. Learn how to eat food like an adult and not an overgrown child who resembles a constipated raisin.
Okay, everyone loves a good slice of pizza. I love pizza, you love pizza, your mother loves having sex on top of pizza, pizza is great. This is not the issue.
The real issue is that Donald Trump doesn’t eat the pizza crust.
This guy scrapes the toppings off the pizza and just eats that instead. That is not eating pizza. That is like eating a mozzarella stick with sauce and random pizza toppings thrown in. If you don’t believe me, you can go back to the Us Weekly link I put up earlier or this one from Serious Eats, which even has a video of him talking about it.
And people want him to be president? Harvey and Mr. Bee couldn’t even bear to look at that naked pizza crust. They were too sad. This is outrageous and obscene. What kind of person can’t even eat pizza correctly?
Verdict: Absolutely horrendous. If he’s president, we’re fucked.
You’re looking at a massive pile of food-based failure right now, guys.
And no, I’m not going to waste it. I’ll grudgingly eat all of it to simulate the Donald Trump lifestyle for the next few days. I’m slowly going to turn bright orange, shrivel up, and become an angry, spoiled little kid in an old man’s body. Who knows, maybe on his childish diet I’ll hate most of humanity as much as he does.
With all the money he has you’d think he could put it all where his mouth is, but it turns out his mouth is actually his ass.
Well, there’s one last thing.
I have this on high authority from an “extremely credible source,” but for dessert, Trump goes into a gold-lined porta potty with this picture, some lube, and you know what happens next. What I’m implying is that he jerks off to a picture of himself. I guess it’s not implying anything if I just explained it. And for the record, about that joke earlier with your mother and Trump being your father, you guys know that’s not true, right?
She’d have much more sense than to sleep with him.
[Final Note: Thanks for the continued donations, guys. I honest-to-God can’t get over the fact you’re still sending stuff my way. I’ve been sending thank you emails to each of you, so if you haven’t gotten one yet, you will.]
[Just kidding, another final note: My friend Joyce and I have made a pair of cool new friends to go eating nice dinners with. One of them may or may not be the guitarist for a little band called Smashing Pumpkins (total name drop), along with his funny and charming girlfriend, and no, I’m not kidding. Check out our recent eating adventures on Joyce’s website, and visit Smashing Pumpkins’ website to buy tickets to their upcoming tour, which is just about to start.]