It’s a Pet Food Party: The Barkuterie Platter

My sister recently adopted a cool new cat. And by recently, I mean this happened like, uh, almost two years ago. 

That means this post has been in the hopper for close to TWO YEARS. For some reason I just never finished it. How does someone procrastinate on doing something for two years? Can you imagine not taking the trash out for two years? You see, clowns, this is award-winning work ethic right here. And here I am, still wondering why I’m a miserable disappointment to society.

I keep thinking about how much has happened since then. I briefly mentioned this in my Taco Bell post, but I was approached twice about doing things for television (those opportunities took a dump), I was asked to write a book (I was too scared), and instead, I sat on my hands, farting, and basically not doing anything except messing up pizzas at Paulie Gee’s

All hail Dannis Ree, greatest (laziest) food writer in all of history!

I guess we’re jumping into a time machine now.

Here I am trying to walk the cat in the park way back then, at the tender age of 36:

Now that I think about it, this may actually be a dog. As far as I understood it, a dog is a kind of cat or frog or something. Anyway, this creature’s name is Mochi. She is a Shiba Inu my sister got as a rescue. She is beautiful and skittish and a sweet little baby. 

Davida and I were at the pet store looking for dogwarming presents for Mochi, when we stopped upon a display of what appeared to be some kind of cured meat.

It was even hung up on strings like the real thing.

We looked at each other wordlessly and grabbed one of each, knowing it was our destiny to eat dog food together.

Then she exlaimed, with mischief in her eyes, “It’ll be a barkuterie platter!”

Barkuterie platter. This is very clever and hilarious and cute so basically what I’m saying is that she runs The Pizzle now.

God, I’ve eaten so much pet food over the years. Do not be alarmed if I show up on your front lawn, sniffing around in circles. That just means I’m about to take an enormous dump.

We need to talk about this dog cheese for a second.

This is aerosol cheese for your dogs. It’s good to know that dogs also enjoy the highest form of cuisine possible. You put it in toys to keep the doggies busy, you know, like a reward. Too bad my keyboard isn’t filled with Easy Cheese, otherwise I’d be mashing on it all day and I would have written this shit TWO YEARS AGO.

When you are throwing a party for people you hate, it is very important to at least label the types of dog food you are feeding them. That way they know exactly how much you hate them.

Davida used cursive to label each flavor. That’s how we knew we were about to go to town on some fancy dog delights. When’s the last time you’ve written in cursive?

I don’t need cursive.

Because I don’t need to sign books.

Because I never wrote one.

Death.

Duck Recipe.

It says “duck recipe.” That could be anything. It might not even have duck in it. Who knows. 

Me: Sour, very smoky. I took a huge bite and almost threw up. The duck’s signature gaminess was not present.

Davida: It tastes like cheap, sour beef jerky.

This might look like feces, but it’s actually dog sausage.

My first bite did not end well. I almost threw up, but at some point I was able to calm my stomach down. Davida is a champ and had no problem whatsoever munching on the barkuterie. I’m marrying the right person.

Salmon Recipe.

Me: Extremely fishy organs and all, sour, tastes like the bottom of an aquarium.

Davida: I liked it! Definitely tasted fishy. I’m not a fan of fishy fish, but I think I was so overjoyed at the familiarity of the flavor that I immediately thought it was good.

Chicken Recipe.

Me: Sour, metallic, bloodier, same smoke, livery, bitter.

Davida: Is more distinct from the duck than we thought. Definitely an identifiable chicken flavor here.

Beef Recipe.

Me: Sour. All I can say is I didn’t hate this one nearly as much as I hated the others.

Davida: This one…tastes like dog food. It doesn’t taste like beef but it’s beef-flavored, and there’s a difference.

Chicken and Spinach Recipe.

Me: Mild, still sour, maybe vegetal. Does it matter? Does anything matter?

Davida: It tastes like a vitamin!

Turkey and Cranberry Recipe.

Me: Sour, but can confidently taste cranberries. My barkuterie palate is improving. Thank god there’s no more of these stupid sausages to eat.

Davida: The tartness of the cranberries is definitely there. Flavor was very generic.

Easy Treat.

Me: It’s Easy Cheese.

Davida: It’s Easy Cheese.

None of these ended up going to Mochi.

If I recall properly, they ended up in the garbage because I love my sister’s dog. I mean, this shit happened two years ago. I definitely didn’t bring them to our new apartment when Davida and I moved in together last year.

What I did bring, however, is what I believe is a long-lost Rembrandt painting.

Wow. I finally finished this piece instead of playing video games.

Actually, you know what? Video games sound pretty good right about now. I’ve got like 238423748923 more ideas for new pieces, but hang on, I’ll be right back with them.

In two years.

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  6 comments for “It’s a Pet Food Party: The Barkuterie Platter

  1. July 10, 2019 at 8:25 AM

    YAY NEW POST!! Letting a post simmer for two years is totally OK. There’s no time limit! Of course I say that cos I wanna read about ALL your gross food adventures no matter how old. Also I tend to never post anything within a reasonable time frame uhhh whatever. It’s ok to write about stuff that happened five years ago, right? Yeauuhhh.

    Mochi looks too precious for this world. I’m glad you and Davida saved her from eating all this food.

  2. Neurozach
    July 11, 2019 at 1:30 AM

    Wow.

    Just…

    This is the point where I will mention that, if you need an officiant, I am happy to provide my services.

  3. Mike Wong
    July 17, 2019 at 2:14 AM

    Blink.

    Seriously?

    I have no words.

    No, I do.

    Thank you

  4. Eric
    July 29, 2019 at 10:14 AM

    Dennis, you would go so far if you pitched this blog as a column to The Takeout, AV Club, or another site (Vice? The Outline?). I really hope you will do it because this blog has made me laugh harder than most things and it deserves to explode in popularity.

  5. October 10, 2019 at 7:35 AM

    Hey Dennis I just wanted to say that unlike the “mommy bloggers” who try to sock it to you (and let’s face it, you’d just suck on a sock with hot sauce), your culinary blog helped me through the hardest parts of late pregnancy. Whenever I got depressed and anxious on sleepless nights, I made use of what was left of my lung capacity (squished by giant baby) to read select highlights aloud to my husband while practising my pelvic floor control by not pissing myself laughing. So thanks. Please write more. Eat more. Puke more. Fart more. My baby does all those things. And we’ll be reading.

  6. Kimberly Karn
    October 28, 2019 at 2:55 AM

    Just a heads up there is a dog treat out there called doggie chicken chips and they look like crackers. They are however 100% chicken. They look really good. But it would be a great side to this.

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