Last week, my friend Melissa showed me a picture of a cooking device called the Rollie® Eggmaster Vertical Grill. It’s one of those “As Seen on TV” products. Basically, it’s designed to cook eggs in a tubular form for an easy on-the-go egg eating experience. Apparently eating and cooking eggs is a very difficult endeavor for many people. Plus, when you’re eating eggs, you really want them cooked in a format in which you can pick up those jiggly fuckers and walk around with them using your (probably filthy) bare hands. This has been a huge issue for egg eaters since the beginning of time.
Here is the commercial for the Eggmaster:
It uses “vertical cooking technology.” I guess horizontal cooking technology wasn’t good enough. As you can see, it’s truly a remarkable product. It is also very, very, stupid.
The Eggmaster is about the size of an insulated travel mug. It even looks like a travel mug. It comes with a few wooden skewers and a sponge to clean out its insides once you sully them with some unfertilized chicken eggies. Its electric cord is very very short.
The recipe book has some pretty interesting recipes. Did I say interesting? I’m sorry, I meant “horrendous.”
For example, here is a recipe straight from the Eggmaster cookbook:
1 large egg white
2 Tbsp dried fruit and nut trail mix
1 tsp brown sugar
- Spray Eggmaster cooking chamber with nonstick cooking spray.
- Mix all the ingredients in a bowl and pour into the Eggmaster cooking chamber. Do not fill the cooking chamber more than half-way.
- Make sure the food in the cooking chamber is slightly covered with egg white.
- Cook 5-7 minutes, until the food rises out of the cooking chamber. To remove the food, tilt the appliance and gently prod the food out with a skewer.
I’ve never seen an energy bar that mixed an egg white and brown sugar, with fruit and nuts. That is a fruit and nut omelette. Holy shit. It’s like a mommy blogger wrote this recipe. This is already a bad idea. That’s precisely why this cooking machine is perfect for my trainwreck lifestyle.
I bought a few ingredients that I thought might work okay in the Eggmaster. Things like eggs, hot dogs, and meat sticks for babies.
You can supposedly make hamburgers and pancakes in the Eggmaster too. I just went to the grocery store and looked for things I could make that could eventually take the shape of a penis.
Whenever you get a new cooking device, you have to pay it some respect and use it for its original intended use before you go experimenting like a jackass. So I cooked two eggs in it as instructed. I sprayed some nonstick spray into it, cracked two eggs into it (which made a strange farting noise as they went down, which was encouraging), and waited until the eggs finished cooking. The egg tube was supposed to rise up at the end to indicate it was done cooking. Then you’re supposed to “prod the food out with a skewer.”
What happened next was beyond my wildest dreams. I took a video. Watch it until the end because there’s a surprise.
The Rollie Eggmaster shits out your eggs. I’m not sure you read that correctly. I will repeat it one more time. The Rollie Eggmaster shits out your eggs.
The instructions say that the eggs will rise, not that they will actually come all the way out of the Eggmaster. I tried it a second time and the Eggmaster actually ejected the entire tube onto the floor.
“This is the best thing I have ever seen,” I said, cackling to myself. “This is an egg shitting device.”
Also, when the Eggmaster is on, it emits the smell of burning plastic, which is not something I normally look for in cooking equipment. I prepared myself mentally for death in case my apartment burned down while I watched an egg get shat out onto the floor.
This is the egg tube from the video. When you cut it in half, you can see it’s pretty much the same thing as a hard-boiled egg. The texture is a little crispy on the outside and the inside is hard-cooked. Whatever. I ate it and it tasted fine, though that burning plastic smell made me wonder if I just got cancer.
A recipe mentioned a pancake and sausage roll — I ate one once or twice in high school. It’s like a breakfast corn dog, where the hot dog part is a breakfast sausage, and the batter is made of pancake. Good ol’ America.
For this test, I found this cool brand of breakfast sausage called “Old Folks.” I’m not sure why that’s in quotation marks. Also, I hoped that the sausage was actually made out of old folks. The label certainly made it seem that way.
Once I opened the package I expected a whiff of old man smell, but I found out that it’s just regular breakfast sausage. I suppose it could be made of really old pigs.
I put the meat onto a skewer, and formed the log with my hands to fit the hole. I fit my log in your mom’s hole last night. I’m sorry, that was rude of me to say. It just slipped out, forgive me. Then I poured the batter into the hole and jammed the log into it as far as it would go. Coincidentally, I also poured batter into your mom’s hole and jammed my log into it as far as it would go.
I apologize for this behavior. It won’t happen again.
Not long after it started cooking, the meat started rising out of the hole like the egg, but it stopped halfway. I guess the sausage constipated the Eggmaster. That wasn’t a good sign though — that meant the meat by the opening probably wasn’t fully cooked.
I took the sausage skewer out and found myself looking at what appeared to be a turd covered in a sticky white mucus-like substance. I’ve actually seen a few movies that ended this way.
As I feared, the pancake-covered sausage didn’t cook all the way through. I wiped the tears from my eyes and decided to try something different.
Well, since the uncooked sausage didn’t work, I figured I should try a cooked product covered in pancake batter. I chose the Gerber® Graduates® lil’ sticks® meat sticks, which are chewed up and reformed meat sticks for babies (yes, it really has that many registered trademark symbols). The front of the jar says it’s turkey with canola oil, but the first two ingredients are pork and beef, so they’re lying to you and your children.
I ate one of the sticks. They don’t taste very good. They’re like a bizarro version of a Vienna Sausage. They have a slightly off-putting smoky flavor and are soft enough for babies to gum down easily. This is what you feed your children if you want them to turn out like me, an utter failure who hates himself, poses stuffed animals for photos, and spends his Sundays watching a cooking device shit eggs onto the floor.
As you can see, that worked out well. The pancake never cooked through and the skewer came straight out of the meat, so I had to extract everything with a chopstick. I did try a little, and it tasted like spongy mechanically-separated bullshit in undercooked pancakes.
Everything I do ends in failure.
I made one last thing — a cheese stuffed hamburger tur — er, kabob. See that pool of grease? That’s what came out of the meat. Basically, the meat boiled in its own absurd amount of fat. At least the skewer didn’t give up this time. Not like you did on me, Dad.
The texture was like steamed meatloaf stewing in its own fat, rubbery, spongy, and disappointing. At least it was cooked all the way through, and the cheese melted. I still couldn’t help feeling like this whole experiment was a pile of horseshit. I gave up on the six other ingredients I bought for this project and I will eat those as God intended, prepared as the package says, in the darkness of my closet, seasoned with my own tears.
In order to make myself feel better about the whole thing, I decided to cook one last egg tube, except I jammed a mushroom on the tip. Maybe laughing at a simulated egg penis would alleviate my despair.
The mushroom jammed the egg into the tube and I had to “prod it out with a skewer.” Plus it looked like me before I got that bris done yesterday. And it snapped off. The tip of my egg penis snapped off. I couldn’t even make an egg penis properly with this beautiful piece of shit.
But if I have to say something about this whole thing, despite its catastrophic flaws, it’s that the Rollie® Eggmaster Vertical Grill is still probably the best thing I’ve ever used to cook food, because it consistently screws everything up.
And that’s a comforting fact. It reminds me of…me.
I’m going to go shit the rest of the eggs onto the floor now.
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