I was out shopping for an Easy Bake Oven one day when I stumbled upon a cookbook, called Quick & Easy Dump Cakes. It’s by a lady named Cathy Mitchell. Many friends on Facebook and on Twitter have been regularly sending me photos of this book. It says a lot about my childish adult life that at least four people thought I should know about it.
Normally when I’m cooking food, I don’t like to use the word “dump” to describe it, because a dump is the opposite of food. Naturally, I needed to buy the book to learn more about this interesting spin on baking. It was $15. In my opinion, that is an expensive book about dumps. I take a big dump every day, no need to write a fancy book about it.
Cathy Mitchell is the sexy lady on the upper left-hand corner of the cover. If she invited me over for dinner I’m not sure I would accept the invitation based off her style of cooking.
“But Dannis, what is a dump cake?” you ask. Good question. A dump cake is a cake where you simply dump the ingredients into one pan, and bake it. You always use things out of a box or can that requires no chopping or additional cooking. It’s a cake for someone who cannot generally follow more than two directions. So this book is ideal for people who have a hard time doing anything, really.
In keeping up with the The Pizzle‘s high standards, I decided that I too would make a dump cake. I sat and wrote down a list of things that often appear in a typical dump. The list included: Peanuts, Corn, and Beets. If you are wondering, yes, this is a joke about poo. Most cooking sites would not talk about poo and food, especially not combining the two together, but if you’ve gotten this far looking for an actual good recipe on my website, you might be in the wrong place.
So now I present to you: The Dump Cake Dump Cake.
Hi, my name is Dannis Ree, and welcome to Jackass.
The cake mix is the most important part of the dump cake. Technically, a cake mix by itself could even be called a dump cake since you more or less dump it into a pan and bake it as-is. I chose a Devil’s Food Cake Mix by Duncan Hines to really keep up with the dump theme. I wanted to be accurate with the color.
However, when shopping, I saw the stupidest looking cake mix I have ever seen sitting right next to the Devil’s Food Cake. It is the Blue Velvet cake mix, also by Duncan Hines. It’s blue. That’s mainly why it’s stupid. They used the word “velvet” in it so you think it’s fancy, but that is a lie. It’s not fancy. It’s stupid. The only people who would eat a cake this stupid are children, who are generally known for their poor decision making abilities. So I bought it.
Coincidentally, Blue Velvet is also the name of a movie by David Lynch, director of such films as Eraserhead and the TV series Twin Peaks. You don’t need to know anything about this movie except for that this scene is in it. It’s only 37 seconds. You need to watch it.
As to the filling, I simply chose the food that I see most often in relation to dumps, like I mentioned earlier. That would be peanuts, corn, and beets, as they are often passed through your colon undigested. I specifically chose the beets pre-cut into the shoestring style because they are already chopped up and I didn’t need to do jack shit to it, just like a real American home chef.
And also, I bought creamed corn because I hate creamed corn. Creamed corn is obscene. There’s not even any actual cream in it. It’s just extra added cornstarch, which is not the same as cream. The cornstarch and chopped up bits of corn makes it look like diarrhea, which is keeping consistent to the theme of this post.
Start in a disgusting kitchen. Take 9×13-inch pan and layer the shoestring beets gently along the bottom. Be sure to drain them first just because this is a dump cake and we generally prefer our dumps to be firm, not loose due to excess liquid. We’ve all been there, right?
Follow the instructions on the cake mix box, except add as many peanuts as you’d like. The more peanuts you add now, the more you’ll be able to wave goodbye to the next day as you’re flushing them down the toilet.
Let it bake at 350° F for about an hour. A cake mix by itself only takes about 30 minutes, but since you have the other crap underneath the cake, it takes longer (plus there’s two mixes in this pan, one of which is a stupid blue color). If you’re not sure about its doneness, use a cake tester (toothpick) and shank it right in the middle like Martha Stewart shanked bitches in prison.
If the shank comes out clean, you’re good to go. If there’s still bits of cake on it, put it in the oven again then shank it later until the pick comes out clean. Or eat the cake raw. Whatever, I’m not your dad.
Here is the finished Dump Cake Dump Cake with canned frosting on top. It’s an alarming shade of blue and brown, just like my usual daily dump.
Harvey is in the back admiring the unnatural color, while Mr. Bee is looking at the rubble underneath the Dump Cake Dump Cake. That guy on the right is an Indio Picaro figurine from Temuco, Chile. When you lift him up, an erection swings out. I don’t really have much more to say about him except that he is very excited to see the dump cake. Dumps do that to some people, I guess.Here is a better photo of the erec–uh, Dump Cake Dump Cake. It doesn’t taste very good. The cake element tastes artificially flavored, with a strong vanillin (imitation vanilla) accent running through the blue shitty cake part, and the Devil’s Food cake portion tastes like cheap chocolate and sawdust. The filling underneath tastes like a bad summer salad you might get at a church picnic, filled with earthy (dirt-tasting) beets, juicy chewy nuggets of sweet corn, and that aforementioned baby vomit creamed corn. The peanuts in the cake get soggy when baked into the batter.
Really, we all know that this was a dumb idea to begin with. It wasn’t destined to turn out well. I mean, it’s called a fucking dump cake. What did you expect?
But all is not lost. If you guys are nice to me, you might get a sequel to this post.