As you all know, living a healthy life is very important.
It is a good idea to take care of yourself, so that you can have healthy bowel movements to brag about at parties. I am obviously going to cool parties. I like to call my get-togethers “Parties of One,” since they usually involve me and your mother and she doesn’t really count. Also, these parties are mainly me getting drunk in random office bathrooms after failed interviews.
Something many people do not know is that I am a self-proclaimed health expert. One tip I have is to never try anything I make on this blog. My food will shorten your life, and you will not live long enough to do cool things, such as fall down a flight of stairs with a paper bag over your head. Another tip I have is to unconditionally trust every single claim written on health food packaging.
At my local mom and pop pharmacy, they have an entire wall of interesting Chinese herbal teas, by Chicago-based Health King, all for very specific purposes. They have some pretty cool names, and so I bought a shitload of them to try in the comfort of my own home.
I purchased six herbal teas: TV/ComputerMate, Mammary and Uterus Care, Manhood, FemaleJoy, Body Attraction, and Easy-Going and Colon Clean.
As you can see from their names, they have very specific purposes to improve your bodily functions. The majority of the teas I bought are for sexual reasons. I’m constantly feeling extremely sexual, which is natural for a man who takes photos of food posed with small stuffed animals.
So I said to myself, “Dannis Ree, you will do anything in the name of science, because your body is already a human dumpster. You must sacrifice your body to find out whether or not these teas will make you a superior human specimen.”
The first tea I tried was the TV ComputerMate herb tea.
Its packaging states: “TV/ComputerMate Herb tea is made of high quality herbs. Chinese medicine uses their anti-radiation, anti-chemo, blood regenerating and circulation promoting, and relaxing properties to protect white blood cells, and to maintain excellent memory, especially for those who spend long time in front of computer and Television.”
This is verbatim, funny English and everything. I spend a lot of time in front of a computer and television, and I also stick my head in a microwave for extended periods of time. It’s natural that I would benefit from this tea.
The first thing I noticed when taking my first sip of this tea is that it smells strongly of patchouli. Patchouli is an herb related to the mint family, and it smells very strong. If you’ve ever stood next to a person in a health food store, they usually smell like patchouli, which is to say, they smell horrible. Those people oftentimes have very unruly dreadlocks and should not be trusted. And yes, one of this tea’s main components is actually patchouli.
This tea tastes like a Phish concert. Phish is a band many people listen to and pretend to like, but everyone secretly hates their music. Also, each Phish song is over 45 minutes long. After drinking this tea, I felt all the radiation melt away from my body and suddenly I became a magical donkey.
The second tea I tried was the Mammary and Uterus Care Herb Tea.
Its packaging states: “Nicely flavored, Mammary & Uterus Care™ Herb Tea is made of wild asparagus, vaccaria, pyrrosia, biota tops with other precious herbs. Traditional Chinese herbalism uses them to nourish the Yin, maintain normal breast structure and consistency, and to support healthy mammary and uterus functions.”
Now, you might be saying, “Dannis, you talk about your penis all day long. Why are you drinking this tea? You do not have mammaries or a uterus. What are you doing?”
While it’s true I do not have mammaries or a uterus, when I drank this tea, my dick fell off, I grew milky boobs, and gave birth to a baby. Fortunately, this tea does not taste like a 24-hour Phish concert, and it has a woody and mild jasmine flower flavor. It’s not unpleasant, but it is not the best tea I have ever had. I gave some to your mother and nothing happened, since those days are long behind her, plus, there’s no saving her mammaries at this point.
The third tea I tried was the Manhood Herb Tea.
Its packaging states: “Manhood Herb Tea™ is made of broomrape (cistanchis herba) from the pollution-free high plateau of northwest China, wild rhodiola, panax ginseng, astragalus and other precious herbs, It tastes great. Broomrape has alkaloids, etc. Ginseng has amino acids, folic acid, vitamins B1, B2, selenium, panaxosides, Rh2, etc., and is famous for its tonifying quality.”
When I first took a sip of this tea, my huge penis grew back, and my milky boobs and uterus fell off. Well, my uterus more like fell out than off. I kept those as a memento of my experience. Now, let’s go back for a minute and look at one of the ingredients of this tea, broomrape.
First of all, I’m not sure you should be writing that on a box of tea. Nobody should be broomraping anybody, ever. But really, broomrape is a parasitic herbaceous plant that takes advantage of host plants to get its nutrients. This is actually pretty horrific-sounding. I guess it’s supposed to give you a giant penis and monster fountains of baby batter shooting out of your mushroom head, and in my case, that happened. As for this tea’s taste, well, it tastes like a mild green tea; there’s nothing extraordinary about its flavor.
Also, I achieved a massive erection lasting over four hours and had to go to the hospital. Turns out the first course of treatment for a four hour boner is a high-five from the doctor.
The fourth tea I tried was the FemaleJoy herb tea.
Its packaging states: “This herb tea is made of wild pyrola, broomrape and other precious herbs. They provide arbutin, homoarbutin, pirolatin, alkaloids, etc. Chinese medicine uses them as female sexual enhances promoting secretion of female hormone and increasing sexual response and sensitivity.”
I mainly tried this one to counteract the effects of my new beanbag chair-sized testicles and elephant trunk-like penis. In this case, those fell off (I donated them to science) and I grew a giant clitoris and was very responsive to sexual stimulation with your mother. If it sounds hot, it wasn’t, but it certainly was interesting. I felt immense female joy, just like the name of the tea, and I had a very good time. As to its flavor, it has a minimally mild jasmine flower flavor with an indistinct herbal tea taste, but is otherwise fairly dull. There’s more broomrape in it.
The fifth tea I tried was the Body Attraction herb tea.
Its packaging states: “Body Attraction Herb Tea is made of high quality essential oil rich herbs that were used in high-class beauty and health aid in ancient China. Their harmonizing, internal secretion (including sweat) regulating and blood capillary relaxing properties change the composition of sweat and produce an attractive and pleasant body scent.”
The name of this one is a little misleading; I thought it’d make me irresistibly good-looking, but my assface did not improve whatsoever. I remained very homely. Instead, I began to smell like a freshly bloomed field of wildflowers, buzzing with Africanized bees and dangerous ticks. The problem with this tea is that it has more goddamn patchouli in it, and that ruins its flavor completely. Without the goddamn patchouli stink, it would taste like a very watery plain herbal tea — this one doesn’t contain any actual tea leaves and therefore has no caffeine.
The final tea I tried was the Easy-Going and Colon Clean herb tea.
Its packaging states: “Nicely flavored, Easy-Going & Colon Clean™ Herb Tea is made of wild senna leaf, rhubarb and other precious herbs. Traditional Chinese herbalism uses them to support regularity and easy bowel movement.”
I haven’t taken an easy-going dump yet, but I have a feeling it’s coming at some point, because I drank a TON of it. And when it does come, it’ll probably be a bowl-filler. Its main laxative ingredient is called senna, which is a natural poo releaser. You’ll often see senna products next to the other laxatives in the poo aisle at the drug store. Even Ex-Lax contains sennosides, which are derived from the senna plant. Ex-Lax dumps are very uncomfortable since it feels like your stomach is clamping down on itself to violently expel turds, so I’m a little scared.
Here’s a cool story from my sordid and shadowy past: One time at an office I used to work at, I was promised $200 if I drank a very small bottle of saline laxative solution. I cheerfully agreed, not realizing I’d ingested two doses at once. After about 45 minutes, I was on the toilet, with my coworkers standing outside the stall, cheering and laughing. I spent the rest of the day shooting clear water out my ass, and I didn’t get a single bit of work done. Later I’d realized that nobody would pay up, and I only ended up with $35 dollars and a very raw butthole.
If there’s a lesson to be learned, it’s to get the money up front for any dare before you chug a bottle of saline laxative, because a very sore butt is not worth $35.
Anyway, this tea actually tastes like a regular green tea, mild, pleasant, and enjoyable. If you’re throwing a party full of people you hate, I highly recommend serving this as an iced tea so that eight hours later, all of your enemies will be howling on the toilet. They’ll leave you alone forever.
So what did I learn from this experiment?
I learned that various herbal teas will give you different genitals with both massive erections and insane moist verginers (that’s the correct spelling), you’ll grow healthy milky boobs, dangerous radiation will be expelled from your body, you’ll smell attractive, and you’ll extrude massive dumps. It works. It all works. Trust me, I’m an expert. You’ll be a walking freak of nature.
Oh yeah, and patchouli is the worst thing in the world.
And so’s Phish.
[Edit: 12 hours later, I ended up giving birth to a gigantic brown bouncing baby. From my ass.]