Category: What the Fuck?

Don’t Make This at Home: Play-Doh Empanadas

I’ve had a serious bout of writer’s block lately, which is the worst thing any writer can endure, aside from a case of raging alcoholism and herpes. And I’m already an alcoholic with herpes, so the Unholy Trinity of Writing is now complete. When I have a case of Pizzle writer’s block this bad, I usually go into stores and wander… Read more →

I Found a Recipe for Ground Beef Brownies and Then I Made Them

I often use the Internet to do research on any kind of culinary disaster I can find. Most of the time, I find that my ideas are unique; nobody’s made Jolly Rancher Jelly or the Bust-a-Nut Cocktail, but every now and then, I find that some jerkface has already done something like Pepto Bismol Ice Cream (which I thought I’d made up on my… Read more →

Can You Make Risotto From Rice Krispies?

Today is the first day of September, and that means fall is coming. Many people start being sad right about now because the days will get shorter, the temperature will drop, and the leaves will wither and spiral their way onto the ground. Fall is a reminder that everyone will die someday. So, just remember, death is coming. For you. I,… Read more →

Save the Children: The Lunchables Taste Test

The other week, I created a pizza Frankenstein known as the Pizza-Flavored Pizza, where I created a pizza that was topped only with pizza-flavored ingredients. It was wonderful and stupid, just like me. But that day, I rediscovered Kraft Lunchables. My parents never bought me Lunchables when I was a kid, and I would always be jealous of the other children… Read more →

Ramen Jello Salad

When you’re trying to save money (or don’t have money), instant ramen is basically the greatest food ever. Sure, it has the nutritional value of deep-fried cardboard, but who doesn’t love a good bite of extremely salty cardboard now and then? Eating ramen in the same old way can get boring after a while, just like intimate activities with your mother… Read more →

Pizza-Flavored Pizza

People have an obsession of making food taste like other food. This concept is very childish. It’s kind of like naming an animal after another animal. Then again, I did name my cat Cricket after that bug-like chirp she makes often. I suppose, then I too, am very childish. Some of my best friends are stuffed animals. But as you know,… Read more →

The Joy of Canning: Jolly Rancher Jelly

Now that we are well through the middle of summer, many people are reaping the benefits of a well-tended garden. I have friends who have an abundance of strawberries, raspberries, and plums, which is absolutely wonderful. There are few things that are better than fruit picked right off the vine. The high you get from crack cocaine smoked in an alleyway is pretty… Read more →

I Ate a Shitload of Fancy Dog Treats

When you’ve been unemployed as long as I have, sometimes your mind goes to dark places. My mind went straight to your mother’s cavernous ass. Actually, it’s not dark in there at all because that barn door is always wide open, but it does smell like a cheesemonger’s shop that has just caught on fire. A thing that cheers me up is hanging… Read more →

How to Recreate the KFC Chizza at Home

Kenfucky, or uh, Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC), came out with a new fast food creation called The Chizza. That dumb name is already a bad sign. Can you guess what that made-up name means? That’s right, good for you, you good guesser, you. It’s a chicken pizza. Well, a chicken-crust pizza. It’s basically a fried chicken breast with pizza toppings on it,… Read more →

What Happens When You Put SlimFast in a Shitty Ice Cream Maker?

Before I get started today, I would like to make an announcement: I won the Chicago Reader’s “Best Food Writer (of Your ‘Mama Jokes’)” for 2015! Yes, that really happened. Check it out here. It was a surprise to me, though the Chicago Reader did contact me a few weeks ago asking for a headshot, so I gave them this… Read more →

The Bust-a-Nut Cocktail

People often say, “Dannis, you should really think about opening a restaurant or bar.” My response is always this: “No way, assbag.” While I am generally stupid, I am smart enough to know that I would probably run a business into the ground in less than five minutes. Then people will know me as being a failure not only in… Read more →

Does Pizza Hut’s Hot Dog-Stuffed Crust Pizza Taste as Dumb as it Looks?

Fast food companies are taking a huge dump right now. McDonald’s is closing a bunch of restaurants because they can’t keep up with places like Chipotle. Chipotle tacos and burritos are more expensive than a Big Mac, but this goes to show that people would prefer eating a little better (I say “little” because Chipotle burritos are still like 29348823 calories) rather… Read more →

Toasted Ravioli-Filled Ravioli-Filled Ravioli

I got a job! Just kidding, I haven’t gotten a job yet. I’m too happy waking up late every day, taking long walks, playing video games, and piledriving your mother in bed. Three sentences in and I’m already cracking yo’ momma (that’s the urban spelling of “your mother”) jokes; I think that’s a new Pizzle record. But seriously, she’s a… Read more →

Despair Juice: The Toothpaste and Orange Juice Beermosa

Today is my first day of unemployment after my position was eliminated at work. It sucks because I actually loved that job — I got to write about food all day. But this isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me, so I’m going to bend over and cheerfully take it until I am employed again. In… Read more →

How to Ruin a Party: The Fart Dip Experiment

For a lot of publications, food writing is often about the illusion of glamour and making readers feel like they are left out of a cool kids party. Back when I freelanced more often, I was able to go to fancy events with fancy food. I took pretty photos for pieces I wrote, and sometimes when I wanted to feel like a… Read more →

Happy Mother’s Day: Baby Formula Panna Cotta With Baby Food Wine Sauce

As you guys know, Mother’s Day is coming up next Sunday. If you didn’t know, this is my reminder to you. Mother’s Day is a very important day to celebrate, because mothers are important people. The reason why mothers are important is because children are assholes. You started as a little squirming human tomato that only ate, slept, cried, and took massive dumps in… Read more →

Feel Better Soon: The Strawberry-Basil Robitussin Granita With Ricola Cough Drop Spun Sugar

The seasons are changing slowly here in Chicago, and when that happens, lots of people I know get bad allergies. Sometimes my allergies turn into a full-on sinus infection which transforms into a sore throat and cough. I got over mine a few weeks back, but now Harvey is not feeling well. He is coughing a lot, and even though he… Read more →

Can You Bake Meatloaf in an Easy-Bake Oven?

Children are wonderful, because they are the future. However, children are shitty cooks. If you asked a child to cook you dinner, there is a chance you will get a peanut butter jelly sandwich that has fallen in a litterbox. The peanut butter and jelly will not be spread evenly, there will likely be a bite taken out of it, and… Read more →

Balut Two Ways: The Balut Egg Salad Sandwich and The Balut Spam Scotch Egg

I like to watch television shows about food. In fact, many of you might be surprised — I originally got a lot of my real culinary knowledge from watching television. Now that food television has turned into dumb cooking competitions where people cook three-course meals while running around backwards and naked through a grocery store while blindfolded and maimed, I’ve… Read more →

Eat a Bag of Dicks: The All-Dick Meal

A thing that most of you may not know is why my blog is called The Pizzle.  While “pizzle” is a fun word to say, it is also a culinary delight. The word “pizzle” is actually the term to describe the penis of an animal. Apparently, according to this Wikipedia article, the term “pizzle” is most commonly used in Australia and New… Read more →

What Happens When You Juice an Entire Surf and Turf Dinner?

Ever since I juiced sausage with a hand press for The Chicago Italian Beef Combo Bloody Mary, aka Coach Juice, I’ve been fascinated with the idea of juicing. The result for the Bloody Mary was excellent, and I got a nice beautiful sip of sausage juice out of an Italian sausage. Who knew I would love drinking sausage juice so much? You guys… Read more →

The Rollie Eggmaster is the Best Dumbest Cooking Device Ever Invented

Last week, my friend Melissa showed me a picture of a cooking device called the Rollie® Eggmaster Vertical Grill. It’s one of those “As Seen on TV” products. Basically, it’s designed to cook eggs in a tubular form for an easy on-the-go egg eating experience. Apparently eating and cooking eggs is a very difficult endeavor for many people. Plus, when you’re eating… Read more →

The Dump Cake Dump Cake

I was out shopping for an Easy Bake Oven one day when I stumbled upon a cookbook, called Quick & Easy Dump Cakes. It’s by a lady named Cathy Mitchell. Many friends on Facebook and on Twitter have been regularly sending me photos of this book. It says a lot about my childish adult life that at least four people thought I should… Read more →

Which Toothpaste Tastes Most Like A Shamrock Shake?

As we inch towards spring, a marvelous event occurs every year, bringing a holy creation back from the dead. It rises from the cave that it has been buried in, killed by people who claimed they loved it and needed it. With its yearly return, angels sing its praises. This story may sound familiar to many of you. And as it… Read more →

Fappy Valentine’s Day!

First of all, Happy Valentine’s Day! And to me, and all y’all single people — I wish you a wonderful self-loving day of loneliness. So Fappy Valentine’s Day to you, good single people of planet Earth. Know you’re not alone. Here’s a video I made one year ago to celebrate my loneliness on Valentine’s Day. I swear, I’m working on… Read more →

The Sexual Chocolate Valentine’s Day Cake

Call me a sap, but I have a soft spot for Valentine’s Day. Before everyone goes into a tirade about how Valentine’s Day is some bullshit made-up holiday by Hallmark and card companies, it’s really an ancient holiday. The romantic part started during the High Middle Ages, supposedly having something to do with Geoffrey Chaucer. But right now none of… Read more →

Purina Fancy Feast Broths: The Cat Food Taste Test

My awesome coworker Alicia recently sent me a link about Purina Fancy Feast on Eater. You can read the fun stuff here. Apparently, Fancy Feast is Top Chef: All Stars Richard Blais’ favorite cat food, because he endorses it. Nothing screams Top Chef like cat food, which is food that (most) humans don’t even eat. And of course, I suddenly got struck by… Read more →

THE ULTIMATE GAMEDAY SNACK: THE TOM BRADY

I’ve mentioned it before, but I don’t generally watch much football. You may not believe me because my last recipe was The Chicago Italian Beef Combo Bloody Mary, aka Coach Juice, which is simply a dumb coincidence.  But, every year, I do go to Superbowl parties because if I don’t, I’ll spend that Sunday as I do most Sundays, which… Read more →