Today is the first day of September, and that means fall is coming. Many people start being sad right about now because the days will get shorter, the temperature will drop, and the leaves will wither and spiral their way onto the ground. Fall is a reminder that everyone will die someday. So, just remember, death is coming. For you. I, on the other hand, will live forever though this website, because in the distant future, I will be hailed as the worst home chef that ever lived. I’m like the Smitten Kitchen of misery.
Since I still don’t have a job or a girlfriend and might as well be dead, I have been thinking about this upcoming season of pumpkin-flavored bullshit and turtleneck sweaters. And in the food world, whenever it gets cold outside, everyone starts talking about risotto. Risotto is an Italian rice dish that is soft, creamy, and has the texture of loose oatmeal. If you enjoy food and don’t talk about risotto at least ten times a week, you’re a nobody.
I have a lot of rice in my pantry that I never use. There’s Korean sticky rice, black rice, brown rice, arborio rice, and carnaroli. The last two, arborio and carnaroli, make delicious risotto. If I was dating someone, I would cook them risotto to show them that I would like to have sex with them. But that shit takes forever to cook, and since you know you’re going to die, why spend it slaving over a hot stove?
So I thought, “Morbid Dannis, what is an ingredient that many people might have that they can cook risotto with?” I rummaged around for a while, cried, farted, and found a half-eaten box of Rice Krispies. I’m so good at farting I’m like the Miles Davis of ripping ass.
“Dannis Ree,” I muttered to myself, between throaty-sounding farts, “You are a champion. You are going to make risotto out of Rice Krispies.”
Despite seeming like a dish you only find at fancy restaurants, classic risotto only has a few ingredients and is relatively simple to make. Risotto typically contains carnaroli, arborio, or vialone nano rice (this one’s harder to find, but it is good), onion, wine, butter, and chicken stock. I always add a little garlic to mine, because I’m a true rebel.
Start by sweating chopped onions in some butter for about 5 minutes. You don’t need to cook them too much, just until they are translucent. Most people chop them finely, but I have the motor skills of a 5-year old, so my onions are all different sizes. I’m lucky I didn’t get any blood on them.
Once your onions have a healthy case of swass, you can add some minced garlic. This is optional, so if you hate actual flavor, omit the garlic and use the virgin tears of a newborn baby. Cook this for about a minute. Your house will smell fantastic and garlicky, just like your mother’s cavernous, well-seasoned bottom.
Next, add a shitload of Rice Krispies. The actual quantity doesn’t matter too much, but I used about 6 cups. While that seems like a lot, the cereal will shrink down considerably since Rice Krispies are mainly made of air. Farts are mostly made of air too.
Coat the Rice Krispies in the onion-butter mixture and toast the cereal; this should only take about 1 or 2 minutes. You don’t want to burn them. If you do burn them, pray for forgiveness and throw the whole batch out. Order a pizza. Go outside. Enjoy the sun while it still lasts.
Next, pour about a half cup of white wine into the pan. There’s this weird rule about how you should never cook with wine you wouldn’t drink. That is total horseshit. While I don’t recommend cooking with Night Train, you can use cheap wine to cook. Nobody will know the actual difference since it’ll be so cooked down you won’t even notice it. Save the Night Train for a special occasion, like when you lose your job, your apartment, and your cat.
Once the wine has been absorbed into the cute little flakes, you’re ready to add the chicken stock. At this point, the Rice Krispies will look a little brown and sad, just like the dump I took this morning. But it’s okay. Everything is gonna be okay.
Now, one of the more important parts of making risotto involves using hot stock to pour into the rice. I just use pre-made stock, which apparently makes me a hack. Instead of taking up another burner on the stove, I just use the microwave to heat it up. Your Italian grandmother would wiggle her finger at you, but she’s already dead. Rest in peace, Italian grandma.
Pour about a cup of stock into the Rice Krispies and let the mixture reduce. This won’t take too long. Once it reduces, add more stock, until it is also absorbed. You won’t need too much liquid since these are Rice Krispies and not solid grains of rice, and also because this recipe is a solid block of garbage.
Once your risotto looks like vomit, run a wooden spoon down the middle. When the mixture is about ready, it’ll creep slowly along that line you made on the pan. Just like vomit does.
This is a good time to add grated Parmesan to your risotto. Shred as much as you like, and if you’re feeling frisky, you can shred a few bits of your own skin into the mixture if you’re not paying attention. Blood and skin in your food just means that you made your food with love and sacrifice.
Now, this is a controversial ingredient for some reason, but I sometimes finish my risotto with heavy cream. A celebrity chef would tell you, never, ever, add cream to your risotto. Tell them to fuck off. I put cream into this risotto because it is made out of breakfast cereal, and all breakfast cereal should have a dairy product in it.
To finish, sprinkle some extra Rice Krispies on top of the miserable-looking gruel for texture, along with bits of something green. Most people use parsley, but I don’t have parsley, so I settled for wilted green onions I found in the back of the refrigerator. If you have dried parsley, make sure you use a shitload of it.
The result, despite looking like milky rice-based baby diarrhea, is astoundingly delicious. This shouldn’t have been good, but it is absolutely fantastic. It has the rich taste of chicken broth and rice starch, cut with sweet cooked onions, and it finishes with a slight touch of box wine. Yes, the texture is like baby food, but since I consider baby food a gourmet food product, it’s quite delightful. I gave some to my roommate and he was genuinely impressed.
I successfully made risotto from Rice Krispies. There is something severely wrong with me.
Rice Krispie Risotto
- 2 tablespoons of ancient butter that’s been in the back of the fridge
- 1/2 medium onion, chopped, blood optional
- 1 clove garlic, minced
- 6 cups of Rice Krispies or that generic shit with a funny name, like Rice Poppers
- 1/2 cup cheap white wine, preferably from a box
- 2-3 cups hot chicken broth or stock, also from a box, preferably your mother’s
- Freshly grated Parmesan cheese that smells like buttholes
- 2 oz. heavy cream
- Anything green for garnish
- Additional Rice Krispies for garnish
Melt butter in large saucepan, farting gently. Add onion and cook until it is as clear as a milky discharge, about 5 minutes. Add garlic and cook for additional minute.
Add Rice Krispies to pan and toast for 2 minutes.
Pour ass wine into pan and chug the rest. Immediately throw up. After wine is reduced, pour one cup stock into pan and let reduce. When cereal has absorbed stock, add another cup. Keep stirring until risotto comes to the texture of a soft bowel movement.
Finish with grated Parmesan and heavy cream.
Garnish with anything green like chopped-up Post-It notes and stale Rice Krispies.
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