I often use the Internet to do research on any kind of culinary disaster I can find. Most of the time, I find that my ideas are unique; nobody’s made Jolly Rancher Jelly or the Bust-a-Nut Cocktail, but every now and then, I find that some jerkface has already done something like Pepto Bismol Ice Cream (which I thought I’d made up on my own). So, really, I’m about as unique as a hipster who is trying to be cooler than all the other hipsters but ends up just being a regular hipster.
During my Internet gold mining, however, I’ve found a lot of culinary gems, like this stock photo of duck with the best caption I’ve ever seen:
In case you can’t read that, I’ll repeat the caption in bold capital letters: CHEF PREPARE TO MAKE HONEY ROAST DUCK. HIS HAND PICK IN DUCK’S ASSHOLE FOR PUSH IN SPICES.
See? The Internet has more than just amazing donkey porn. I mean, come on, “Chef prepare to make Honey Roast Duck. His hand pick in duck’s asshole for push in spices” is actually the greatest sequence of words that I have ever seen.
This week, I realized I was a little light in baking posts, since I don’t do much baking in general. Don’t get me wrong, I love baking, but the problem is, my life is such a dismal pit of loneliness that most of the time, I don’t have anyone to share cookies with other than my cat. Plus, now that people know how I cook based off my website, nobody ever wants to come over for dinner. The only real baking I’ve done for this site was the Dump Cake Dump Cake, which is easily the worst cake I’ve ever made — even though its ingredients came from pre-made mixes and cans.
But, be prepared for the greatest brownie recipe I’ve ever seen: Beef Brownies.
Yes, this recipe from Food.com is real. Julie Leo, the culinary mastermind behind this recipe says, “Brownies are great for people who love nuts, but can not eat them. The beef takes the consistency and taste of nuts. I brought them to a block party and everyone raved about them. Now I have to make them for all of the get togathers. Sometimes I add chocolate chips for a double chocolate brownies. I hope you all enjoy my recipe.” I especially like the way she spells “togethers” as “togathers.”
Since you’re not technically supposed to republish a recipe on your own site without permission, here’s a screenshot of the recipe. I’ll probably have to take it down if someone yells at me, but it’s not likely anyone is reading my website right now other than you.
“Dannis Ree,” I said to myself, “You must make these and share your experience with the world. Hopefully you do not die.”
Turns out the ingredients are simple enough. There’s a metric shitload of sugar, some flour, cocoa powder, salt, a buttload of butter, eggs, vanilla, and uh, the…cooked ground beef.
I simply followed the recipe as written. I began by combining the sugar, butter, cocoa, and vanilla. Since I am physically and mentally challenged, I barely managed to complete this task. Baking is hard.
I’ll have you note that there’s 2 entire cups of sugar in this brownie recipe. This is probably to cover up the flavor of ground beef, which is a common ingredient in most brownie recipes.
Now that the diarrhea mixture was made, I needed to whisk in each egg one by one. This looks kind of like the mess your mother made on my bed last night. What did she eat? The world will never know.
I guess I’ll be writing each step of my experience out in a very methodical and boring manner with vulgar interjections and sexual innuendo.
Next, I added the flour and the salt and arduously whisked that in too. The pile of flour looks like what’s currently in Charlie Sheen’s body right now. I think he probably shared a little with Lindsay Lohan, because drugs are so much better when you’re rolling on the ground next to someone else. Also, wildly outdated celebrity jokes are a big hit on my website.
Next, my favorite part: It was time to stir the fucking ground beef into the brownies. Ground. Beef. Ground beef. Ground beef, in brownies, that is apparently there to simulate (stimulate) nuts. Was she making Hamburger Helper and did it all accidentally fall into her brownie mix? Was she tripping on a high dose of inhalants? How was this even a consideration?
I applaud Julie for her culinary foray into the great abyss. There is a Culinary Illuminati in the great abyss, and she stands there proudly next to me.
So I baked the brownies for for 25 minutes at 375 °F. The recipe states to bake them for 25 minutes, but they were practically raw, so I let them bake until they were more of a cake-like consistency.
Learning how to navigate new recipes can be difficult, which is why you generally want to follow each step exactly as stated until you get the desired result. A lot of inexperienced home chefs skip parts by accident or omit ingredients because they forgot them, but since I am a self-proclaimed expert in destroying food, I do what I want. In fact, most of the time, I replace all ingredients in recipes with whiskey and then complain about it on the Internet after I’m done throwing up.
However, I did deviate a little. I made gravy whipped cream to compliment the beef. All I did was whip some dry gravy mix into fancy organic heavy cream until it was a nice fluffy texture. Actually, I lied. I had your mother do that. She is good at a vigorous manual jerking motion. Remember, everyone, it’s all in the wrist, and her forearms are both the size of Popeye’s.
Why both, you ask? It is because she is ambisextrous. Your mother uses both wrists during sex. And fists.
The result looks like a brownie.
I did a fantastic job. It’s just a tall, cake-like brownie that’s soft, springy, with a delicate crust on top. Personally, I’m a bigger fan of the fudgy-style brownie, but that’s because I like all of my food to look like the seat of my underwear.
Of course, I had to put the gravy whipped cream on top, because I’m a trooper. It’s hard to tell by their faces, but Harvey and Mr. Bee were fairly upset that I went that far, but by now they’re pretty used to my shenanigans. I tried to form my whipped cream into a quenelle, but it was a little curdled and I’m also not a French chef. Also, I think quenelles are stupid. I don’t need my food shaped into footballs.
The brownie itself is absurdly sweet, but it is delicious. I expected that from the two whole cups of sugar I tossed into it, but damn, guys, it’s too much. However, its overall flavor is solid, MINUS THE FACT THAT THERE ARE CHEWY BITS OF GROUND BEEF EVENLY DISTRIBUTED THROUGH THE WHOLE THING. The recipe states that the beef is a good replacement for nuts, but, no. It’s still beef. The main issue is that the beef is still as chewy as you’d expect, and I can’t think of any nuts that would be that chewy aside from my actual testicles (please don’t eat them). And gravy whipped cream is as gross as you would expect. Actually, it’s worse. Don’t make gravy whipped cream.
I thought I was alone in the world, making suicidally inedible culinary creations, but the truth is, there’s more people like me out there. Let’s all join hands and touch each other’s food-draped genitals, stroking softly, and lovingly, until we all climax into the sweet grace of oblivion.
[One last thing: My sweet and lovely Internet friend Jen sent me an Amazon gift card totally out of the blue because she knows I haven’t have a job since the beginning of June, and it was such a wonderful gesture that I almost died.
Jen, consider this little note as evidence of my eternal gratitude. You’re wonderful.
But don’t think I don’t love the rest of you clowns either. Because I do.]