As you know, food is an integral part of a healthy lifestyle. But did you know you can use food in healthy ways for things other than eating? For example, many people put round slices of cucumber on their eyes to decrease puffiness. Other people use olive oil in their hair to make it shinier and more delicious. But one of the most advanced ways you can use food for health is by doing a coffee enema.
If you don’t actually know what an enema is, it’s essentially where you jam some kind of fluid up your ass to clean out your insides. It’s truly a marvelous procedure and an even better experience.
Coffee enemas are for people who know secrets about health that the rest of the world doesn’t know. They cure things like Ebola, cancer, depression, and general lack of self-esteem. If you think I’m pulling your leg, check out this Wikipedia article and the following video, which gives you instructions on how to do one:
My favorite part of this video is that this lady executes her coffee enema on her kitchen counter, which is the most hygenic place to do one. My other favorite part of this video is at 7:04, where her voice actually changes in pitch due to the coffee enema.
For today’s post, I tested three different brands of coffee to see which is best for a coffee enema. First, I tried Folger’s Classic Roast freeze-dried coffee, then Dunkin’ Donuts Original Blend, and I finished with Dark Matter Coffee’s A Love Supreme, which is their House Blend.
Now, since I’m a very polite and well-adjusted individual, I am opting not to show you the actual procedure on my own body, because it involves me jamming fluid up my ass. Plus, I’ve been told by a friend that one of my posts was filtered out as “pornographic material” at his workplace due to my excessive use of the word “penis.” You can read that post here.
So instead, I purchased the dirtiest, cheapest, stuffed animal I could find at the thrift store. I originally wanted to use a plastic baby doll, but my lawyers advised me against that due to a recent “incident.”
As you can see, to simulate the application of the coffee enema, I strapped a Whoopee Cushion to the back of this Smurf Doll. It is a model of the human colon.
Here is the backside of the doll with the scientifically applied Whoopee Cushion. It’s a good representation for a rear end because it makes simulated flatulence, that sounds similar to the real thing.
The main equipment includes a funnel and some surgical tubing. They sell this material at The Home Depot. When I asked the gentleman where I could find these pieces, he looked at me and said, “I know what you’re making.”
I almost shouted, “You know the secret about butt chugging too?!”
First, you’ll want to lie down in a safe and comfortable place. Normally I’d perform this procedure on the sidewalk in plain view of the street, to publicly demonstrate the benefits of a coffee enema, but it’s a little chilly outside to be running around in my knickers. Plus, my lawyers also highly advised against this course of action. So I opted for the bathtub.
As you can see I have my scalding hot coffee at the ready, and the model is lying on its side in a comfortable position. The tube is crammed up its simulated anus, well past the sphincter. Since I don’t like adding artificial lubricants inside my body while doing such a wholesome activity, I usually just cram it in dry until I’m bleeding profusely.
This part can be tricky. You put the coffee in the funnel and elevate the funnel so that gravity forces the nearly-boiling liquid into your ass. You can ask a friend or family member to help you do this. I ask your mother to help me out when I’m doing coffee enemas because she knows me intimately from top to bottom. Bottom. Get it? I’m such a silly goose.
When the liquid has fully entered your colon, clench tightly and let it sit for approximately two hours. Read a book while you’re in the bathtub or use your iPad to watch House of Cards, but make sure your iPad is tightly covered in Saran Wrap so you don’t get any coffee mixture on your iPad. Then you can just release the fluid in the toilet, or as I do, I just let it out in the bathtub all over your body due to convenience. You should look like the model in the picture. Sometimes I shower afterwards, but oftentimes I just put my clothes back on and run around in circles in the park because I feel energized and I like the strange smell on my body.
As a pioneer in the field of food writing, I’m creating a new term for things like coffee enemas. It’s called “assfeel.” This term describes the texture of the liquid as it enters and leaves your rear.
Folger’s Classic Roast:
Folger’s is not a very good coffee to drink in general. It is low quality in terms of flavor. It’s what you drink when there are no other options in the house and you have some in the way back of your pantry in case of zombie emergencies outside (aka Cubs Games). This is why it’s a prime candidate for a coffee enema.
Its assfeel is rough and caustic, almost like powdered glass. Due to its watery texture, however, it does dislodge a bunch of unwanted toxins and chunks out of your body fairly well. I highly recommend it for your first coffee enema if you’re new at this technique.
Dunkin’ Donuts Original Blend:
Dunkin’ Donuts slogan is “America Runs on Dunkin’.” Television personality and canned-goods chef Rachel Ray endorses Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. It’s an inoffensive brew that has no discerning flavors other than brown.
Dunkin’ Donuts assfeel is slightly acidic and abrasive, but since this was my second application of the day, that may just have been the blisters inside my colon popping because my first cup, Folgers, was actually boiling when I administered it. It smells the same going in as it does going out. The caffeine, when administered through your back door, hits you pretty hard and since this was my second cup I began feeling jittery.
Dark Matter Coffee’s A Love Supreme House Blend:
Dark Matter Coffee is a local coffee roaster that makes terrific coffee. It’s absolutely delicious, and those guys know their stuff. I highly recommend you order some online or if you’re in Chicago, you can buy some at Star Lounge on Chicago Avenue. This was the only whole-bean I had in the lineup, so I ground it and brewed it in my tiny little coffee pot.
The assfeel of the Dark Matter Coffee is smooth and rich, though I prefer drinking Dark Matter over taking it through a tube that has been forced up my flower-shaped anus. It’s really like having a locomotive made entirely out of silk running through your lower digestive tract. It’s unreal how wonderful it is taken this way. Out of all three coffees, this artisanal version is the best. After all, you can’t spell “artisanal” without the words “art is anal” combined.
At this point, I felt like I could run through a brick wall. I actually tried, and suffered severe injuries while spouting coffee like a punctured waterbed being dragged through an alleyway.
My conclusion is that if you’re going to do a coffee enema to unlock the fountain of youth and the cure to Hepatitis C, please use the good stuff from a local coffee place. Not only are you taking good care of yourself, you’re supporting local business that will literally then be running through your veins.
Stay happy and healthy, everyone! After all, it’s the 1st of April and there’s just so much spring to enjoy!