How to Make Bone(r) Broth

Last Friday something hilarious happened. My debit card was compromised and some dude in California cleared out my entire checking account.

Before any of you freak out, yes, the bank is working with me to resolve the issue. It is going to take quite a while since there is paperwork involved. Most of my money was squirreled away into my savings account, thank God. My friends Tim and Liz helpfully suggested to contact all three credit bureaus to freeze my credit (in case those people try to open up a line of credit), file a police report, and change all online banking and credit card passwords. Considering this is relatively commonplace now, this is advice you should all keep on hand. I suspect it was your mother, because she has the beady eyes of a bird of prey and tries to steal my wallet every chance she gets.

This is just another unfortunate circumstance that has happened to me in the past year. I am, strangely, not very angry about it. Being angry will only make me feel worse. I do not feel sorry for myself (and neither should you). If I can’t handle a few bumps and scratches in life I do not know how I would be able to handle the really important things, like cooking garbage for dinner.

However, I’m starting to think that I may have been a bad person in my former life and I am being punished for past transgressions. If I had to guess, I was that guy who invented those creepy five-toed shoes, but I am pretty sure that guy is still alive, probably wearing those creepy shoes out to nightclubs and stuff.

I did have a terrific weekend, though!

My friend Yvo, the Feisty Foodie, came to visit me from New York City (you guys should follow her on social media and read her blog). We ate three kinds of fried chicken, Chicago-style hot dogs and Italian beef. Yvo has a little friend named Jinx who also hung out with Harvey, as you can see in the Instagram photo above. They are now pen pals.

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We even saw a lion roar at the Lincoln Park Zoo!

After the lion roared, we sang Circle of Life and someone pushed me into the lion’s den. The lion came up to me, sniffed my hair, and walked away in disgust. I was insulted.

As we had breakfast yesterday, Yvo told me about how she is cooking something called bone broth, which is now a trendy thing for people to sip on instead of coffee. It is just roasted bones simmered in water (usually with aromatics like onion or garlic) for a long time. Supposedly it will make your penis huge, cure scabies, and straighten pubic hair. As I listened to her, my eyes grew big and round and I knew what I should do.

I said, “Dannis Ree, you are a very trendy and cool person. You understand what it’s like to be a culinary thought leader. You must turn this interesting new food trend into something vulgar and stupid for your garbage food blog. Let’s see if you can work penises into this one too. We will call it “Bone(r) broth.”

Yvo looked and me and said, “Oh no.”

Boner Broth Doggy Style

We visited my local pet boutique which has a decidedly vulgar name, “Doggy Style,” to find ingredients for my bone(r) broth. 

I am including this picture of the bag because I do not think you guys would have believed that this is a real place. Your mother loves doggy style in bed. I do not usually enjoy doggy style because every time I am the one on all fours being slammed from behind.

Boner Broth Dried

I purchased four types of dog chews.

From left to right, these are: A beef bone chew that has been dipped in liquid smoke, a plain hollow bone, bull penises (aka pizzles, the namesake of this blog), and duck feet.

Yvo badgered me into telling the cashier about what I was doing (I was embarrassed), and I eventually confessed. The cashier was actually impressed with the idea. I was already starting to feel a little sick. I can’t believe I’m still going back into pet stores to buy dog food to cook with. I don’t have a problem. I can stop anytime I want to.

Boner Broth Ingredients

I decided to go with a multi-meat bone(r) broth that included both beef and duck.

Most bone broths just stick to one type of animal, but this is not important. What is important, however, is not to make something like this ever. The smoked bone’s sticker says “Not for Human Consumption,” but since I have devolved into some kind of humanoid scavenger creature, I am my own exception. The rest of the ingredients are simple — mushrooms, onion, garlic, celery, carrots, water, and salt.

Man, I’m cooking with dicks again. I thought that shit was over.

Boner Broth Temp

First, start by preheating your oven to 450°F to roast off the vegetables.

You can add your vegetables raw, but I like the added color and flavor. Do not stick your head in the oven when it is on because you could die and pull a Sylvia Plath. Sylvia Plath is not part of this recipe.

Boner Broth Aromatics

In the meantime, do a miserable job of cutting up your aromatics and coat with a small amount of cooking oil.

Your vegetables can be big since you’re just straining them out later. Speaking of straining, I strained one out on your mother’s face this morning. Pop these suckas in the oven for 30 minutes or while checking on your bank statements to see if the thieves stole some more money.

Boner Broth Mushrooms

Next, brown some mushrooms in the bottom of a large stock pot.

Your mother enjoys browning stranger’s mushrooms. Browning the mushrooms adds a rich savory flavor to the bone(r) broth. If you want to look like an interesting person, explain to your friends that this is called “umami” and watch as their eyes roll so far back into their heads they roll out their asses.

Boner Broth Roasted Aromatics

Once the vegetables are done roasting, let them cool off for a few minutes and have a nice long cry, which as you all know, I do every time I cook anything at all, especially frozen pizza.

They might look burned, but if you are a chef, you’re allowed to say they are “charred.” When you say something is charred, you can charge $5 more for it at a restaurant.

Boner Broth Pot Aromatics

Layer the vegetables attractively on the bottom, posing them for a pretty top-down photo.

This is an accurate way to simulate being a successful food blogger. Add some ancient parsley on top along with some bay leaves. It is very important to add dry bay leaves to any soups or stews even though nobody knows what they do or what they taste like.

Boner Broth Pot Everything

Just toss the rest of the shit in.

Those twig-looking things are the chopped up bull peepees. It’s important to use every inch of an animal so it does not go to waste when you are cooking. This is called “ass to mouth dining” and it’s a very socially responsible way to prevent food waste.

Boner Broth Pot Everything Water

Fill the pot with water and let this come to a simmer for a few hours.

I learned that dried duck feet float in water and are very scary to look at in a pot. One reached out to me and said, “Fuck you, Dannis.”

Boner Broth Pot Simmer

I let my bone(r) broth simmer for three hours.

Most recipes suggest you cook bone broth for much longer, even up to 24 hours, but most of those recipes do not call for you to go to the pet store to get the ingredients. The apartment filled up with a very strange smell, like a vaguely smoky bag of dry dog food that was being boiled violently. My roommate came out of his room and made a face. Most of the food I’ve cooked for The Pizzle smells like actual food, but bone(r) broth smells absolutely horrible. And the nauseating smell does not go away. Impressive.

Boner Broth Pot Complete

Once you’re done cooking the bone(r) broth, all you have to do is strain out the pet chews and the vegetables.

I put them back in so you could see what they look like after they’ve been more or less stewed. The cool thing to do these days is to drink bone broth out of a cup, but having a bunch of dicks and duck feet rattling around in your travel mug may not be a good idea. It’ll make for a good story when you show your boss what you’re drinking for breakfast though.

Boner Broth Finished

Bone(r) broth tastes very strange.

Oh, man. It’s like you boiled an ancient animal mummy that has been stuffed with prehistoric dust. It has the creamy texture of a tonkatsu broth for ramen, which would ordinarily be a great thing, but it’s boiled pet food and tastes like boiled pet food. It does have a relatively gelatin-rich texture, but the beef shanks dipped in liquid smoke ruin the entire flavor of the dish. The aromatics are completely lost and don’t add much flavor, if at all. I’d like to think I could taste a touch of dick, but really, it was all very gross. I tried a little bit of duck foot — there’s a little duckiness in there once you keep chewing, but the longer you chew, the more you want to throw up.

I also tried to chew on the bull penis. That did not go very well. It was too chewy. Dogs love bull dongs, but doggies must be insane. Or they’re just dogs and do not know any better.

Do not ever, ever, make bone(r) broth at home. And everyone, please thank Yvo for the inadvertent inspiration. Someone please punch me in the face next time I go to the pet store, because I do a lot of my food shopping there now and this is not a good idea.

A Special Note: 

A bunch of you, and I mean a bunch of you, are complaining that you can’t give me money for anything I do on this website. I’ve adamantly refused to take any donations like a stubborn little man, but it’s gotten to the point where I feel like you’d feel better if there was at least a PayPal button or something. So I added one. I added a widget to make these little PayPal buttons show up wherever I want.

 

 

This widget is hilarious.

Bone(r) Broth

  • Old baby carrots from the back of the fridge
  • A big fat onion, chopped, preferably testicle-shaped
  • Celery stalks, broken like your spirit
  • Sliced mushrooms for mother-related browning
  • Whole cloves of garlic that don’t matter because this trendy broth is disgusting
  • Ancient refrigerator-dried parsley
  • Bull dicks from the pet store
  • Duck feet from the pet store
  • Smoked beef bones from the pet store
  • No
  • Bay leaves
  • Life doesn’t matter
  • Stupid information thieves need to be kicked in the crotch

Roast off the carrots, onion, celery, and garlic, at 450°F for 30 minutes. In the meantime, brown the mushrooms using your mother’s assistance.

Place all the vegetables into a large stock pot, along with the pet food. Add useless bay leaves. Simmer uncovered for 3 hours, up to however many hours you want, but don’t accidentally burn your house down by letting the water boil too long.

Garnish with loneliness.

 

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  24 comments for “How to Make Bone(r) Broth

  1. Yvo
    March 1, 2016 at 12:56 PM

    Oddly, though this one offers the least visually disturbing images, I found it more disturbing than your other posts. Perhaps because I know the part I played in its creation – from casually mentioning my dabbling in brodo to the shove of “hey look here’s a pet store let’s look for some bones” … *gags*

    But I still think my avocado-no toast is a brilliant idea and maybe more edible? 🙂

    • Dennis Lee
      March 1, 2016 at 1:37 PM

      Well, at least you know I’m not faking it. There’s now more human proof that I do this.

  2. March 1, 2016 at 1:00 PM

    You should have a pop-up bistro called “A Touch of Dick”

    • Dennis Lee
      March 1, 2016 at 1:38 PM

      That’s actually my new hair color line.

  3. Tom
    March 1, 2016 at 2:31 PM

    Hey Dannis,

    I love your blog. Now that you are accepting donations, can I donate a couple Jones Soda holiday packs that I’ve had sitting in my garage for the past decade? They’ve got to taste better than this.

    • Dennis Lee
      March 1, 2016 at 2:41 PM

      Hallo Tom. I am concerned that they will kill me. Do you think they will kill me?

      • Tom
        March 1, 2016 at 3:40 PM

        You should be fine, but I can’t guarantee your safety if you decide injecting soda straight into your bloodstream is the hot new dining trend.

      • Neurozach
        March 1, 2016 at 4:01 PM

        You should trust Tom. He was my first MySpace friend!

  4. Neurozach
    March 1, 2016 at 3:58 PM

    The thought of showing a travel mug full of various dog treats and bones to my boss, or a hitchhiker for that matter, sent me into a prolonged fit of gleefully evil cackling.

    Don’t ever change. Unless said change is confidence and happiness resulting from unimaginable success as a result of your efforts, which deserves to happen.

    • Dennis Lee
      March 1, 2016 at 4:08 PM

      Thank you. The main issue is I’m running out of pet stores to ravage.

      • Neurozach
        March 1, 2016 at 4:45 PM

        Guppy sashimi as a grand blowout?

        • Dennis Lee
          March 1, 2016 at 5:52 PM

          I used to have a bunch of guppies. I do not think they would taste very good. I suppose I could try and raise a giant fish in my aquarium.

          • Eve
            March 2, 2016 at 10:29 AM

            You should eat a plecostomus. They’re the most disgusting animal imaginable and would make terrible sushi.

          • Dennis Lee
            March 2, 2016 at 3:11 PM

            Oh man. That sounds like the worst fish to eat ever. I have a plecostomus in my fishtank (it’s a dwarf thank God, the regular ones get HUGE), and they are indeed very gross. Ugh I’m scared just thinking of it!

          • Neurozach
            March 5, 2016 at 8:37 PM

            My brother-in-law’s father raised one of those county fair goldfish to the size of something edible.

          • Dennis Lee
            March 6, 2016 at 3:42 PM

            Goldfish are a kind of carp, which are edible, but not very good to eat. However, I can eat anything.

          • Eve
            March 11, 2016 at 1:18 AM

            When I worked at a pet store we had one the size of my arm, much like your mother’s clit. When we eventually found a buyer we had to knock it on the head to net it. They’re vicious, foul creatures. God, I hate fish. Not that reptiles are much better.

            Eat either a pleco or a bearded dragon.

          • Dennis Lee
            March 11, 2016 at 5:04 PM

            no

  5. Neurozach
    March 1, 2016 at 4:43 PM

    I think the obvious next step is to get ahold of some fresher cocks, and make the Pralines and Dick ice cream that Garth used to describe Rob Lowe’s character in “Wayne’s World”.

  6. Eve
    March 2, 2016 at 6:41 PM

    Dannis Ree, if you do not eat a plecostomus you are now and forever an unadventurous and egregiously picky eater.

    • Dennis Lee
      March 2, 2016 at 7:04 PM

      I can’t believe people actually do this. Now I won’t be able to sleep.

      • Eve
        March 11, 2016 at 1:15 AM

        OH MY GOD. That said, it sounds pretty good!

  7. George Dunning
    March 3, 2016 at 11:13 AM

    Now I know what to do with left-over bull dicks!

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