I have been horrendously sick for the past few weeks.
I didn’t think I’d be ready for this week’s Pizzle post, but since I am a true champion of the people, I persevered through horrible coughs, bloody noses, explosive diarrhea, and very little sleep. However, you mothers and fathers in the world have to deal with much more misery than I, so I cannot complain too much.
While I was sick, I looked on the Internet at your Facebook pages and felt sad about my own life. Apparently you are all rich and good looking, you go on many vacations to cool places, and your relationships are perfect. Facebook exists just to make me feel bad about being unemployed, mildly fugly, and forever alone. Basically what I’m trying to say is that I am a very cool person and that none of you are secretly miserable with your own lives whatsoever.
As inspiration is difficult to come by when your brain is scrambled by a cold, I spent a long time on the Internet while I was hacking up my shriveled testicles. Turns out that eventually every Google search either ends up on hardcore pornography or mommy blogs.
But while I was on a mommy blog, I learned something very intriguing — it is possible to make your own lip balm from scratch!
Try to watch this without shooting yourself in the face.
(Okay, okay, it’s not that bad, I’m just trying to justify having watched it seven times in a row.)
Since we are in the middle of winter, lip balm is a very important thing.
I am the worst with lip balm because it always ends up in the dryer and ruins my clothes. Either that or I lose those little balm sticks to the ether of non-existence, also known as the crevasses of your mother’s urethra.
So I thought to myself, “Dannis Ree, you waste so much money on garbage food along with those lost lip balms. Perhaps there is a way for you to make your own lip balms and waste less food. You must venture balls-deep into the world of darkness, also known as mommy blogs, so that you can gain knowledge of the dark arts of making your own lip balm.”
And as it was spoken, so it shall be.
Turns out almost all homemade and manufactured lip balms contain the same ingredient: Beeswax.
Beeswax is made out of the semen of bees, who squirt it out from their bee penises. So basically, you are wiping bee batter all over your lips. Plus you are often eating it since beeswax is often used as a glaze for confections to make them pretty. It’s totally edible, though it doesn’t have nutritional value since you can’t really digest it.
Okay, I lied. It’s not semen. Beeswax is a substance bees secrete from glands on their abdomens. I bet some of you clowns actually believed me. Once it comes out in flakes (I come in flakes all over your mother’s face, it’s disgusting), the little bees chew it up to make hexagonal cubbies in their bee houses. It’s insanely useful for lots of things, including hipster mustache wax.
I actually went to an artisanal candle shop to get this candle — I am not entirely sure if this candle is food grade, but whatever. Half the food I make isn’t food grade anyway. I asked the helpful cashier many questions about the beeswax candle to pretend like I wasn’t going to use it for something stupid. It cost like a thousand dollars.
Lip balm isn’t easy to use unless it is in the right vessel.
I found some ancient ChapSticks of questionable origin, including ones I dug out from the couch, and chopped off the perfectly usable part in a senseless act of waste. Cherry ChapSticks remind me of dog boners. Don’t click on that link unless you hate yourself.
After I did that, I rendered down some expensive bacon that my good friend, Seth Zurer, gave me today.
Seth is one of the co-founders of Baconfest Chicago, which is a fun event every year. I am a guest on an upcoming podcast episode, coughing and all. You might think I am promoting his event shamelessly, but he is just a friend, and it is nice to say things on blogs about your friends. We tasted a few bacon-flavored items this afternoon, made bacon shot glasses, and rolled around on the floor having seizures.
This is called a double boiler.
While that sounds like an expensive piece of equipment, it’s really not — a double boiler is just where you stack a heat-resistant bowl on top of a pot of simmering water. People usually use this setup for gently melting chocolate or making delicate sauces. All you need to do is melt some beeswax with bacon fat and you’re all set.
Fill your empty ChapStick tube with this mixture.
See that funny measuring cup on a stick? I got that from one of the worst food kits made for children that I wrote about in a past post, which you can see here. At least it was good for something, because those miniature candy pizzas and burgers were abominations.
Once the container is filled, cap it off and put it in the freezer.
It doesn’t really need long — since bacon fat congeals at room temperature, it just needs about 10 minutes to solidify completely. The word “congeal” is one of my favorite things to use when describing food.
Now that the bacon-beeswax lip balm was finished, I decided to move onto something more complicated.
This little egg thing is actually a trendy shape of lip balm that they sell at cosmetic and drug stores. Your mother often uses these things on her lips, but not the lips on her face. They usually come in some generic fruit flavor that tastes nothing like actual fruit. This pleasant smell does not cover the musk that your mother provides, which is a goddamn shame.
After destroying another perfectly good lip balm for no reason, I pried out the little screen that is in the middle of the container.
You’ll see why in a minute.
I decided I needed a sensual element for this version of lip balm, so I decided to use a habanero pepper for an important sensation: violent burning.
Since I did not want to use an entire pepper for a very small amount of lip balm, I decided to chop off just the tip. I used to play a game called Just the Tip with your mother, but it wasn’t enough for her. She likes to take the whole thing along with other various gardening equipment.
For this version of lip balm, I decided to use another fat that solidifies at room temperature, beef fat.
This is some leftover beef I had from last week’s cookbook review, Cookin’ With Coolio. The best and worst part about cheap ground beef is that it contains an absurd amount of fat per volume, which is exactly what I needed.
I cut the anus off the beef chub and let that render down in my non-stick pan for 13 hours.
I used a small amount of lipstick to add additional color to this lip balm.
Some mommy bloggers add lipstick to their lip balms for added cosmetic value. That makes sense to me, since my kissless lips are as pale as a dead person’s.
Of course, I had to try out the lipstick to make sure it was okay.
This is totally my color, as you can see.
I melted a tiny portion of lipstick in that bowl I normally use to cook food, along with more candle beeswax and rendered beef fat.
The orange maw you see poking out of the pool of lip balm is the habanero pepper tip. Be very careful with habaneros since they are really spicy. Something I highly recommend is handling the shit out of spicy peppers then touching your genitals like crazy.
Next, pour some of the lip balm mixture into the little egg sphere thing’s top, with the grate placed on the top side.
This seems complicated, but let’s face it, since you’re never going to make habanero beef fat red-shaded lip balm, these instructions don’t matter. Screw the bottom on the top, and you’ll hear a small click when the whole thing comes back together.
I put the little egg in the freezer next to its friend, the bacon fat lip balm.
At this point, I was feeling extremely stupid, but I kept going. I didn’t really have a choice since I was a committed idiot at this point.
My final lip balm was Crisco and Velveeta.
You might wonder why I chose these particular ingredients — both Crisco and Velveeta are solid at room temperature, which is what you want in a lip balm. Liquid fats, like olive oil, don’t solidify at room temperature.
Turns out that Velveeta, Crisco, and beeswax don’t mix together very well.
It’s hard to see in that picture, but the melted cheese product sank to the bottom while the oil rose to the top. Whatever. Doesn’t matter.
I destroyed yet another perfectly good lip balm stick and refilled it with cheese glop.
Cheese lip balm. I made cheese lip balm. Not cheese-flavored lip balm, but actual cheese lip balm. My God. I’m becoming Satan.
I let the last stick relax in the freezer for another 10 minutes and masturbated violently on the couch while I was waiting.
Your mother joined in next to me and left a massive stain.
So here are the final products!
From the outside they just look like regular bacon-grease, habanero beef, and cheese lip balms, but I can understand why you might think they were cherry and strawberry-flavored lip lube.
But did they come out all right?
Fuck yeah, they did!
The bacon grease version is the softest of all three, and easily the most disturbing.
Bacon fat melts really well when applied to your body, almost too well. A bunch of it came off on my face and melted quickly. It tastes like cooked bacon, and is honestly something I would not recommend you use for your face. In fact, I would not recommend you use this for anything at all. Your mother ate the entire stick, plastic tube and all.
I was very scared that the lipstick-tinted habanero beef fat lip balm would be extremely spicy.
However, I was pleasantly surprised — instead of experiencing a strong burning sensation, I simply felt a mild tingling on my lips for a while. Beef fat makes a very good lip balm and remains very solid and has a neutral flavor. I highly recommend adding dangerously hot peppers to your lip balm for the unnecessary sake of adventure. I took a photo of myself with the tinted lip balm to see if it had any actual color to it, but it really didn’t do much for my supple, kissable, and lonely lips, so I decided not to include it in this post.
And the Crisco Velveeta lip balm stick?
Ever wipe American cheese product onto your lips for the purpose of moisturizing them? If the answer to this question is yes, please marry me. But really, I do not recommend this endeavor, as it is futile. The cheese stick solidified into a tube and really didn’t do much to make my lips any softer. I tried to kiss my cat Cricket but she just ran away crying, just like every other female in my life.
Well, I suppose you could call this more or less a success. Is success the right word? If you really want to make your own lip balm, you just need beeswax, something like coconut oil or shea butter, and some flavoring like ground-up potpourri you stole from some shitty home goods store. But that’s not why you came to my site.
You came here to see me ruin something perfectly decent. As usual.