As you all know, Thanksgiving is next Thursday.
Thanksgiving is basically an excuse to kill a shitload of turkeys (sorry, turkeys) and shove them in the oven, because we are assholes. Supposedly this has something to do with some jerkoffs wearing funny hats who came over to pilfer the Americas, and fill it with fast food restaurants. Whatever. Apparently any excuse is a good one to eat poultry birds that have saggy testicles under their chins. When the future arrives, I think I’ll have some testicles added under my chin too.
Now, a lot of people send me requests on The Pizzle; since this website is on the culinary bottom of the food spectrum, it makes mommy food bloggers look like Thomas Keller. With Thanksgiving coming up, all food bloggers are required to create mediocre Thanksgiving recipes that are artificially posed for cutesy photos. I am also required to do this by law.
— Marla Caceres (@MarlaCaceres) November 10, 2015
My friend Marla sent this to me on Twitter. Marla is a wonderful human being and she is part of a long-running improv comedy show at Chicago’s iO Theater called Whirled News Tonight. You should go see her perform because she’s hilarious.
So anyway, there is a recipe for Thanksgiving stuffing that uses White Castle sliders instead of the usual stale bread and meat products you normally see in stuffing. Every year, people joke about making White Castle stuffing, but they never follow through. Although I did have it once and it was actually satisfying in a stupid kind of way.
I am flattered that she thinks I would be dumb enough to have been the creator of this, but someone among The Ancient Ones likely created this recipe. My guess is it came from the pilgrims.
In our conversation, Marla said, “Dannis Ree, what if you used Arby’s instead of White Castle for this infernally stupid recipe, and show the world that you are a very cool chef?”
Okay, Marla didn’t really say that, but she did suggest Arby’s.
And thanks to her, The Arby’s Roast Beef Sandwich Thanksgiving Stuffing was born.
Loosely translated from ancient Macedonian, Arby’s actually means “dog food.” The modern English translation roughly equates to “food you eat when you have no other options.”
Now, a lot of people have very strong opinions on Arby’s. I generally see that people either love it or hate it. Whenever I eat Arby’s (which is almost never), I am both repulsed and aroused, mainly due to the strange shaved beef product they use for their sandwiches. The roast beef resembles your mother’s lips (not the ones on her face), and there have been long-standing rumors that it is actually a meat-flavored gel that has been firmed up to look like actual meat. This rumor, unfortunately, is not true, according to Snopes. In my scientific opinion, I think it’s just low-quality beef that has been hyperinflated with liquid to give it extra volume and a funny texture.
I modified the White Castle stuffing recipe slightly for today’s recipe, but my ingredients are still mainly the same: Arby’s roast beef sandwiches, onions, carrots, celery, ground sage, ground thyme, and chicken broth.
The reason why stuffing always tastes like Thanksgiving is because it has sage in it.
If you add sage to anything, it becomes Thanksgiving-related. I turned these Cheetos into Thanksgiving Cheetos by pouring a large amount of sage on top. Sage has a medicinal and pine-like flavor that is very distinct and hard to miss. If you mix it into toothpaste, that is also considered Thanksgiving toothpaste.
Start by making a basic mirepoix.
A mirepoix is a classic French mix of vegetables, almost always including diced onions, carrots, and celery. People use mirepoix to flavor soups, stews, and meat dishes, because it’s a nearly perfect combination of flavor to boost savory flavors. Do you need to know this? No. However, it’s item #35 in the secret Food Blogger’s Handbook. Put this in a saute pan and let it cook down for about 10 minutes, otherwise it’ll still be practically raw in your finished stuffing.
While the vegetables are cooking down, chop up four Arby’s roast beef sandwiches, bread and all.
An essential part of this step is that you need to finger the loose meat quite a bit to get it ready for sex.
Once your vegetables are cooked down, throw everything together in a large mixing bowl, along with the ground sage and ground thyme, and mix it together until all the ingredients are evenly incorporated.
Next, add some chicken broth to moisten up the stuffing.
Otherwise, this mixture will be bone dry, like your mother, since her youth is long behind her. We use chicken broth to rev things up in bed, but it makes my dumpster mattress smell really weird. That is the kind of sacrifice you make when you are in a long-term relationship with someone.
Dump all that shit into a baking pan and put it in the oven at 350°F.
While you’re at it, take a dump into the pan too.
After 40 minutes, your stupid Arby’s stuffing will look and smell like Thanksgiving.
When you serve this next Thursday to your racist grandparents, they will nod and agree that you are the greatest chef ever, since you are repurposing trash food and creating high-level dining with it. They will, however, still be racist. Do not talk about politics with your family at the dinner table, as you will end up in the news for assaulting your entire family with broken turkey bones.
Right before you serve it, put a semen-like drizzle of Horsey Sauce on top, along with a drizzle of Arby’s Sauce.
Yes, it’s really called Horsey Sauce. Probably because they put actual horses in it.
And like the White Castle recipe, this actually tastes okay, which is to say, it tastes stupid but acceptable. The Arby’s meat adds an emulsified-gyro meat texture to each bite, along with an indeterminate meat flavor. Seriously, Arby’s beef is one of the strangest food products known to man. I really do not understand it. The carrots, onions, and celery all add a strong aromatic component, while the sage and thyme add that classic Thanksgiving pungency. The Arby’s Sauce is basically barbecue sauce, and the strong horseradish-based Horsey Sauce cleanses your palate as you eat it. It does not cleanse your memory of eating this stuffing, however.
Horsey Sauce also has a secondary use; since it is more or less mayonnaise, you can drizzle it all over your nipples.
Coincidentally, this is what an evening with your mother ends up looking like. I did learn the hard way that Horsey Sauce actually burns your skin. And congratulations to me, I’ve finally crossed the line and added nudity to this food site. I have really interesting nipples so it was hard for me to keep them to myself.
And thanks again to Marla, who probably didn’t think this post was going to end up with a display of my anatomy.
Arby’s Roast Beef Sandwich Thanksgiving Stuffing
- 1/2 cup diced celery
- 1/2 cup diced carrots
- 1/2 cup diced onions
- 4 Arby’s roast beef sandwiches, also diced
- 2 teaspoons ground sage
- 1 teaspoon ground thyme
- Enough chicken broth to moisten your mother’s nether regions, which is kind of a lot
- Horsey Sauce
- Arby’s Sauce
- Grandma’s racism
Preheat oven to 350°F.
Saute the celery, carrots, and onions on medium heat, until softened, about 10 minutes.
Dump all the shit into a large mixing bowl, including the sage and thyme, and mix thoroughly until all ingredients are incorporated. Pour approximately 1/2 cup chicken broth into mixture and mix again, ensuring all bread is soaked.
Bake in oven for 40 minutes.
Serve with Horsey Sauce, Arby’s Sauce, and anger. Flip Thanksgiving dinner table over in a fit of rage and punch gaping holes into the drywall of your childhood home.