The Worst of The Pizzle in 2015

Best-of lists are a very silly way to end a year of writing.

However, when you do anything on the Internet, you are automatically required to make lists. I have made lists on other websites like Serious Eats (fried chicken) and Thrillist (Loop Lunches), and people get excited to read them, because they are excited to tell you that you are stupid for not including their favorite place. Seeing a bunch of people tell you that you are stupid feels very interesting, because it makes you feel bad on the inside.

The truth is, you should usually not take food lists all that seriously because they are just lists about food people once ate then eventually pooped out. That is what happens to food after you eat it. You take a dump, it smells bad, and you watch it twirl around in the toilet until it goes away. It is very entertaining.

“But Dannis Ree,” you say, “You need to write a list anyway. If you do not, you will be considered stupid again.”

So, I will write a list.

Sausage Garnish

In January, I made something called The Chicago Italian Beef Combo Bloody Mary.

It tasted very good, but people were much more concerned about how dumb it looked. What’s hilarious was that when I was taking these photos, I was very proud about the Sausage Ditka and how it came out. I thought it was really cool but I guess the world is not ready for a bloody mary dick monster.

Fancy Feast Broths Classic Tuna

In February, I ate a lot of cat food in the Purina Fancy Feast Broths: The Cat Food Taste Test.

This is when I knew when my year was already spiraling out of control. In general, this food was extremely gross, but I have actually been served food like this in fine dining restaurants, and I nodded with all the other food writers in the world and declared that it was the best thing I have ever eaten.

I fucking ate eight packets of cat food soup.

Lava Cake Closeup

For Valentine’s Day, I baked a cake full of shit I found at the sex shop, called The Sexual Chocolate Valentine’s Day Cake.

Who does that? Oh, wait. I do. This was bad because it was actually very good to eat.

711 Hot Dogs

I also went to 7-Eleven and tried a lot of the stuff on the rollers in Desperation Food: A Review of 7-Eleven’s Hot Food Items.

Most of it was very bad. This is food that many people eat on a regular basis, but it is very cheap, and I understand why people eat it. Cheap food helps people get calories and not die. Avoiding death is a very important part of life.

Then, a college student used this post (with my permission) and got into film school with this video, which was very good. Holy shit!

How does the dumbest food blog in the world get someone into film school?

Rollie Eggmaster

Next is the post that will not die, about The Rollie Eggmaster.

I cannot believe how many hits I get a day from people Googling this thing. I love the Eggmaster because it is very dumb, yet insanely funny and totally useless. It makes a farting noise when eggs go into it, and it does not cook food very well. In 2016 I would like to see more dumb food machines on the market.

Surf and Turf Ingredients

Juicing the surf and turf dinner is the post that crashed my website. 

Someone found it and put it on Reddit, and The Pizzle took an enormous dump and died for an hour. Some people got mad at me for wasting food, which was well-deserved, but now I know what a surf and turf juice dinner tastes like. I can still taste it in my imagination.

I am trying not to throw up right now just thinking about this abomination.

The Pizzle Family

And oh, man, The All-Dick Meal is one of my proudest moments ever.

I made a meal entirely out of different types of dicks. I made a meal entirely out of different types of dicks. I made a meal entirely out of different types of dicks. I made a meal entirely out of different types of dicks. I made a meal entirely out of different types of dicks. I made a meal entirely out of different types of dicks. I made a meal entirely out of different types of dicks.

I made a meal entirely out of different types of dicks.

Balut Peeled

This is balut, which I turned into a chicken salad sandwich and a Scotch egg.

Dear God. I never thought I’d have the balls to eat chicken babies, but I did it. Your mother eats babies all day like Baba Yaga. It’s making me shudder just thinking about it! Turns out chicken babies are delicious, but eating them makes me feel like a horrible person, because I am a horrible person.

Babies. I ate babies.

Fart Dip

The Fart Dip Experiment is one of the other posts that went viral this year.

It showed up on a shitload of websites applauding me for doing something extremely stupid that didn’t quite work. This dip made me feel very sick to my stomach. It only succeeded in making me push out tiny farts and nearly throw up.

I am a food writer who goes out of his way to try and fart his way to oblivion.

Play Doh Empanadas Finished

Speaking of feeling sick, the Play-Doh Empanadas might have been the worst tasting things I’ve ever eaten in my entire life.

I suppose I should not be surprised, because people generally aren’t supposed to make a meal out of actual children’s toys, but my gag reflex immediately kicked in after the first bite. Your mother does not have a gag reflex, which is good when we are in bed together.

Some folks did not believe I actually ate these, but I really do try everything I make on the site. Considering I have cooked with over-the-counter medicine I am fairly certain I have shortened my lifespan by a considerable amount. Apparently I am hellbent on slowly destroying my body.

Chicago Style Hot Dog Finished

And, finally, here is the Chicago-Style Hot Dog Terrine!

I pulled this one off with proper cooking technique applied to an infernally ridiculous food concept. It looked beautifully stupid and tasted much better than it looked. What’s amazing is that you guys seem to like it better when I get sick while trying my own cooking, but this one actually turned out pretty well. Whoa.

Dog Beer JC Penny

So now that we’ve come to the end of 2015, I would also like to give a shoutout to Mr. Bee and Harvey, two little guys that have been with me through thick and thin.

Sometimes people ask me how they are doing, which makes me delighted, since they are just stuffed animals who sit patiently on a table until I pick them up once a week to pose with gross food. But the best thing is that they are always smiling little smiles and that is good enough for me.

I would also like to thank all of your mothers, who have endured a lot of insults and marathon fisting sessions this year. I’m starting to run out of bail money for her, but that’s okay. She’s used to it by now.

And of course, as always, I would like to thank all of you clowns who have come back week after week, who email me nice things, write funny and inquisitive comments, and keep my spirits up. It has been a very difficult year of being lonely, and unemployed from a job I really loved, but you know.

People always say, “Dannis, things will look up for you soon.”

The truth is, sometimes things get harder when they are already rough. Some things take a long time to be reconciled, if at all, but for better or for worse, that becomes part of who you are.

I only live my life by a few rules, most of which are secret, but my number one rule is “Don’t be a dickhole.” I have learned that the hard way. It does not mean you always have to be nice to everyone all the time, but it does mean that you should not be a jerkoff. It is not as easy as it sounds. We are all jerkoffs more often than we like to admit.

I can’t believe I wrote another list. But no matter what, I hope you guys have a great start to the New Year, and I’d like to end on one last note.

Fuck shit ass cock.

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  14 comments for “The Worst of The Pizzle in 2015

  1. Jim
    December 29, 2015 at 10:12 AM

    This is definitely one of my top 5 lists of 2015.

    • Dennis Lee
      December 29, 2015 at 10:21 AM

      Make another list of lists please. Then a list of those lists. That is a cool thing to do.

      • Jim
        December 29, 2015 at 10:37 AM

        Oh when it comes to listception I’ll definitely go deep*.

        * I was going to try to pull off a “your mom” joke here but I bow before the master.

  2. December 29, 2015 at 10:46 AM

    Can you make a list of all lists not on a list of lists?

  3. Neurozach
    December 29, 2015 at 12:24 PM

    Oh, it’s a sausage Ditka? I thought it was the asteroid worm from “The Empire Strikes Back”! In that case, uh, Sausage Ditka… 500, Cowboys 2.

  4. December 29, 2015 at 11:03 PM

    This is pretty good, but not as good as ‘The Worst of Jefferson Airplane’ LP, or that one band that had that LP ‘The Least Worst of…’. Actually, I’ve binged read your blog in 4 days and completed it tonight. Thanks for the laughs, mate!

    • Dennis Lee
      December 30, 2015 at 12:25 AM

      Wow. Four days of reading my nonsense? I’m surprised you haven’t gone mad yet.

      • December 30, 2015 at 3:09 PM

        If I may quote Pink Floyd, “I’ve mad for years and years, been over the edge for yongst”. Not sure what in the hell yongst means.

  5. GrussVomKrampus
    December 30, 2015 at 8:04 PM

    Dannis, your blog made me laugh (the PlayDoh empanadas), cry (The egg Rollie thing, I wept from laughing so hard) and come close to vomiting (Surf’n’Turf juice). Best wishes to you in 2016! You should take a trip up to Milwaukee and we’ll feed you czarnina, cheese curds and fish fry until your heart stops!

  6. Elmer
    January 7, 2016 at 9:31 AM

    Oh man how Serious Eats has went overboard with lists, best, and other click-baitish no content advertorials. At least your lists are worth reading.

    • Dennis Lee
      January 8, 2016 at 1:51 PM

      We’ve all got to make a buck. I hope I never have to do that to my site! But I’m glad you at least like to read my list even though I do not like to write them very much.

  7. Kevin
    February 10, 2016 at 2:45 PM

    I wish I’d written: “It’s like a Civil War reenactment of pizza…”

    • Dennis Lee
      February 10, 2016 at 5:48 PM

      I must have been on some drugs when I wrote that. Probably low quality ones too. Does ibuprofen count?

      • Kevin
        February 10, 2016 at 6:58 PM

        Benadryl all the way baby!

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