Best-of lists are a very silly way to end a year of writing.
However, when you do anything on the Internet, you are automatically required to make lists. I have made lists on other websites like Serious Eats (fried chicken) and Thrillist (Loop Lunches), and people get excited to read them, because they are excited to tell you that you are stupid for not including their favorite place. Seeing a bunch of people tell you that you are stupid feels very interesting, because it makes you feel bad on the inside.
The truth is, you should usually not take food lists all that seriously because they are just lists about food people once ate then eventually pooped out. That is what happens to food after you eat it. You take a dump, it smells bad, and you watch it twirl around in the toilet until it goes away. It is very entertaining.
“But Dannis Ree,” you say, “You need to write a list anyway. If you do not, you will be considered stupid again.”
So, I will write a list.
In January, I made something called The Chicago Italian Beef Combo Bloody Mary.
It tasted very good, but people were much more concerned about how dumb it looked. What’s hilarious was that when I was taking these photos, I was very proud about the Sausage Ditka and how it came out. I thought it was really cool but I guess the world is not ready for a bloody mary dick monster.
In February, I ate a lot of cat food in the Purina Fancy Feast Broths: The Cat Food Taste Test.
This is when I knew when my year was already spiraling out of control. In general, this food was extremely gross, but I have actually been served food like this in fine dining restaurants, and I nodded with all the other food writers in the world and declared that it was the best thing I have ever eaten.
I fucking ate eight packets of cat food soup.
For Valentine’s Day, I baked a cake full of shit I found at the sex shop, called The Sexual Chocolate Valentine’s Day Cake.
Who does that? Oh, wait. I do. This was bad because it was actually very good to eat.
I also went to 7-Eleven and tried a lot of the stuff on the rollers in Desperation Food: A Review of 7-Eleven’s Hot Food Items.
Most of it was very bad. This is food that many people eat on a regular basis, but it is very cheap, and I understand why people eat it. Cheap food helps people get calories and not die. Avoiding death is a very important part of life.
Then, a college student used this post (with my permission) and got into film school with this video, which was very good. Holy shit!
How does the dumbest food blog in the world get someone into film school?
Next is the post that will not die, about The Rollie Eggmaster.
I cannot believe how many hits I get a day from people Googling this thing. I love the Eggmaster because it is very dumb, yet insanely funny and totally useless. It makes a farting noise when eggs go into it, and it does not cook food very well. In 2016 I would like to see more dumb food machines on the market.
Juicing the surf and turf dinner is the post that crashed my website.
Someone found it and put it on Reddit, and The Pizzle took an enormous dump and died for an hour. Some people got mad at me for wasting food, which was well-deserved, but now I know what a surf and turf juice dinner tastes like. I can still taste it in my imagination.
I am trying not to throw up right now just thinking about this abomination.
And oh, man, The All-Dick Meal is one of my proudest moments ever.
I made a meal entirely out of different types of dicks. I made a meal entirely out of different types of dicks. I made a meal entirely out of different types of dicks. I made a meal entirely out of different types of dicks. I made a meal entirely out of different types of dicks. I made a meal entirely out of different types of dicks. I made a meal entirely out of different types of dicks.
I made a meal entirely out of different types of dicks.
This is balut, which I turned into a chicken salad sandwich and a Scotch egg.
Dear God. I never thought I’d have the balls to eat chicken babies, but I did it. Your mother eats babies all day like Baba Yaga. It’s making me shudder just thinking about it! Turns out chicken babies are delicious, but eating them makes me feel like a horrible person, because I am a horrible person.
Babies. I ate babies.
The Fart Dip Experiment is one of the other posts that went viral this year.
It showed up on a shitload of websites applauding me for doing something extremely stupid that didn’t quite work. This dip made me feel very sick to my stomach. It only succeeded in making me push out tiny farts and nearly throw up.
I am a food writer who goes out of his way to try and fart his way to oblivion.
Speaking of feeling sick, the Play-Doh Empanadas might have been the worst tasting things I’ve ever eaten in my entire life.
I suppose I should not be surprised, because people generally aren’t supposed to make a meal out of actual children’s toys, but my gag reflex immediately kicked in after the first bite. Your mother does not have a gag reflex, which is good when we are in bed together.
Some folks did not believe I actually ate these, but I really do try everything I make on the site. Considering I have cooked with over-the-counter medicine I am fairly certain I have shortened my lifespan by a considerable amount. Apparently I am hellbent on slowly destroying my body.
And, finally, here is the Chicago-Style Hot Dog Terrine!
I pulled this one off with proper cooking technique applied to an infernally ridiculous food concept. It looked beautifully stupid and tasted much better than it looked. What’s amazing is that you guys seem to like it better when I get sick while trying my own cooking, but this one actually turned out pretty well. Whoa.
So now that we’ve come to the end of 2015, I would also like to give a shoutout to Mr. Bee and Harvey, two little guys that have been with me through thick and thin.
Sometimes people ask me how they are doing, which makes me delighted, since they are just stuffed animals who sit patiently on a table until I pick them up once a week to pose with gross food. But the best thing is that they are always smiling little smiles and that is good enough for me.
I would also like to thank all of your mothers, who have endured a lot of insults and marathon fisting sessions this year. I’m starting to run out of bail money for her, but that’s okay. She’s used to it by now.
And of course, as always, I would like to thank all of you clowns who have come back week after week, who email me nice things, write funny and inquisitive comments, and keep my spirits up. It has been a very difficult year of being lonely, and unemployed from a job I really loved, but you know.
People always say, “Dannis, things will look up for you soon.”
The truth is, sometimes things get harder when they are already rough. Some things take a long time to be reconciled, if at all, but for better or for worse, that becomes part of who you are.
I only live my life by a few rules, most of which are secret, but my number one rule is “Don’t be a dickhole.” I have learned that the hard way. It does not mean you always have to be nice to everyone all the time, but it does mean that you should not be a jerkoff. It is not as easy as it sounds. We are all jerkoffs more often than we like to admit.
I can’t believe I wrote another list. But no matter what, I hope you guys have a great start to the New Year, and I’d like to end on one last note.
Fuck shit ass cock.