Happy Birthday, Dannis Ree: The Hummingbird (Feeder) Cake

Today is my 35th birthday!

As most of you know, my 34th year on this planet was pretty difficult. If you’re just tuning in, I lost my job, my bank account got emptied out by a scammer, a drunk driver destroyed my beloved car, and a whole buttload of other entertaining horseshit happened. But not all of it was bad.

The highlight of this year in my life was working on this blog non-stop, posting every week, knowing you guys were reading my culinary journey of self-destruction. As much as people love feel-good stories on the Internet, apparently you guys like feel-bad ones even more.

When I put the donation button up, you guys donated so much money I almost passed out. You helped me pay my rent, buy ingredients for the blog, and made me feel much better when I was sad. I met a bunch of you, you sent me a ton of emails, and I learned a lot of criminally obscene sex maneuvers from your mother. All-in-all, I’d say 34 was a success, despite the landmines I stepped on along the way.

Hummingbird Cake Ingredients

Now, one of the most important parts of any birthday celebration is the birthday cake.

Sure, there are presents, free meals, and empty congratulations for making it another year without dying, but really, everyone comes to your birthday party for the nice cake. As adults, we are allowed to eat cake whenever we like, but for some reason, birthday cake is more important to people than other types of cake. The truth is, people go to boring birthday parties just so they can eat fancy once-a-year cake and leave early.

So I thought to myself, “Dannis Ree, people are crazy about cake, even though they can get it on a daily basis if they really wanted. Can you make a special occasion cake that is very interesting and delicious, while making it conceptually useless? And can you revisit this really tired concept of you buying main ingredients for your recipes at the pet store for the millionth time?” 

The answer is yes. The answer, when it comes to me eating pet food is always yes. I am going to keep doing it until I die of pet food poisoning, which will be hilarious.

Hummingbird Cake Syrup

Hummingbird concentrate is a syrup people buy to feed hummingbirds in their backyard.

Hummingbirds are one of the coolest birds on the planet. They fly like bees, they sound like bees, and eat the same food as bees, yet they are not bees. As you can see, I did very well in elementary school.

Now, in order to get hummingbirds to visit you for lunch, you can put up a special feeder that dispenses a special syrup. This syrup simulates sweet nectar that comes out of flowers, which is basically all hummingbirds eat. Hummingbird food comes in a concentrated form at the pet store, and it is made up mostly of sucrose, water, dextrose, and citric acid. That sounds complicated, but it’s really just sugar and water.

In the southern states, there is a regional specialty known as hummingbird cake. For the most part, we do not eat it in Chicago, but since this clever recipe play on bird food and cakes is limited, I don’t really have a choice. Hummingbird cake is a relatively simple banana and pineapple cake, usually served with cream cheese frosting. Today I have adapted Paula Deen’s recipe, but I omitted the liberal amounts of racism she sprinkles on top.

Hummingbird Cake Cream Butter

First, you need to start by creaming the butter with granulated sugar and vanilla in a large mixing bowl.

Get your mind out of the gutter. All creaming means is to beat it with an electric mixer (handheld or stand mixer) until the mixture is light and fluffy. This takes about five minutes. This is not a step you should skip — it adds air and volume to your finished cake so it is not flat and dense like your mother’s bargain bin breast implants.

I usually do not think far ahead enough to put butter out for a while before I bake anything, so if I am cheating, I warm the butter up just a touch in the microwave on a very low power setting. Whatever you do, do not melt the butter, as you will not get the right creamed texture, and everyone will leave your birthday party because you are a loser who can’t bake a proper cake.

Hummingbird Cake Cream Butter Finish

When your butter and sugar are finished creaming, they will generally look like a bowl of grainy grits.

Just like your mother’s nether regions do after we’re done with passionless mechanical sex.

That was bad. I’m sorry. Just kidding, I’m not sorry at all, I’m a horrible person who is decaying inside.

Hummingbird Cake Add Egg

Next, you’ll need to add the eggs to the creamed butter and sugar mixture, one at a time.

If you add all the eggs at once, it’s likely that you’ll get an inconsistent batter. If you’re celebrating your birthday alone, like me, then it’ll taste like misery no matter what, so who cares? It’s your cake, really.

Hummingbird Cake Add Egg Finished

Once everything is done incorporating, it will look like mashed potatoes.

At this point, you can add gravy and eat the whole thing. Forget about the cake. Diabetes is where it’s at. According to all the doctors in the world, everyone is going to get diabetes anyway and lose their extremities, so you might as well do it sooner rather than later.

Hummingbird Cake Dry Ingredients

Now mix the dry ingredients in a separate bowl.

Despite the fact that this looks like a bowl of flour with a touch of baking soda, salt, and cinnamon, it’s actually a bowl of the highest grade cocaine I could find. My plan is to eventually shove the entire cake up my ass and smuggle it to Amsterdam, where I will live the rest of my days as “Pablo Asscobar.”

Hummingbird Cake Dry Ingredients Wet

Incorporate the flour mixture into the creamed butter and eggs in small batches.

Real fun, I know. Writing about baking is boring. I still don’t quite get why mommy bloggers love doing it so much. Maybe because they’re boring too. Zing!

Hummingbird Cake Dry Ingredients Added

This is your finished hummingbird cake batter base.

Standard issue cake batter. Not like the extremely obscene baby batter post I did last Friday.

Hummingbird Cake Bananas Mashed

Roughly mash some fresh bananas until they look like lumpy baby diarrhea.

For the record, I’ve never actually seen baby diarrhea. I’ve only eaten it.

Hummingbird Cake Bananas Pineapple Syrup

Add a can of crushed pineapple and some hummingbird concentrate to the mashed bananas.

Normally, you’d also use the juice from the canned pineapple for extra moisture, but today, drain it and drink it with some sparkling white wine to make a cocktail I call “The Frugal Soccer Mom Spritzer.” The hummingbird concentrate mixed with some water will replace the pineapple juice in the cake batter.

Hummingbird Cake Add Mash to Batter

Add the fruit mix to the cake batter and beat it like a teenager who’s just discovered masturbation for the first time.

Actually, be gentle. Your first time shouldn’t be so violent. And neither should your baking.

Hummingbird Cake Pan

Spray two 9-inch cake pans with non-stick spray and pour an equal amount of batter in each.

A lot of bakers say you should tap the pans on the counter to release any large bubbles in the batter, but I am pretty sure that doesn’t actually do anything. It’s just one of those things food writers tell people to make it look like they know what they’re doing.

Hummingbird Cake Cream Cheese Bite

For the frosting, you’ll need cream cheese softened to room temperature.

I love cream cheese and took a giant bite out of the brick, mostly because I knew this would make a good picture. Store-bought cream cheese is like dairy gum, since a lot of manufacturers add stabilizers and thickeners, which makes it fun to chew on long public transit rides.

Don’t judge. Since it is my birthday, I am allowed to do whatever I want, including butt stuff with strangers at the truck stop.

Hummingbird Cake Frosting Creamed

It is important to use room temperature cream cheese because you will avoid lumps in your frosting that way.

Your butter also needs to be at room temperature too. When it comes to baking, everything should be in harmony, just like your life and your relationships.

Man, I’m going to be 40 soon. I was supposed to be married and have kids by now. All I have is a cat, no job, no girlfriend and a vulgar blog. Worst birthday ever.

Hummingbird Cake Syrup Frosting

This is the perfect time to add even more hummingbird concentrate to your cake recipe.

Because people eat with their eyes first, use plenty of concentrate to add an appealingly pale pink tone to the outside of your cake. You know, like the suckling flesh of a newborn infant.

Hummingbird Cake Syrup Frosting Finished

Wow.

I never thought I’d be equating birthday cake to eating babies, but there’s a first for everything.

Hummingbird Cake Clothes Mess

The most important part about baking is making a horrible mess in the kitchen.

If you are going to make a successful baked product, you need to have ingredients all over the place. It needs to be in your hair, on the floor, between the stove and the countertop, and all over your clothes. If you find yourself in a romantic comedy about food, your love interest will barge in the door and laugh affectionately at you at this point, and you will make love on the filthy kitchen floor, violating all sorts of health code standards.

Then they’ll leave you, just like everyone eventually does.

Hummingbird Cake Cake Bake

Presentation is important.

Make sure your cake is fully cooled before you start frosting it. Otherwise, the layers will slip around a bunch and you will look like a fraud. People will still enjoy your cake anyway, but they will talk shit behind your back and ruin your reputation.

Hummingbird Cake First Frost

The first layer of frosting doesn’t have to be pretty.

Since you’re stacking another layer of cake on top, the only important thing is that the frosting needs to be even. It’s okay. We’re all ugly on the inside.

Hummingbird Cake Second Layer

Pop the second layer on top and finish frosting your hummingbird cake.

Really, if it’s your birthday, someone else should be baking you a cake. You shouldn’t be doing it alone with two cute stuffed animals named Harvey and Mr. Bee, who are always judging you with their beady little eyes.

Hummingbird Cake Second Layer Frost

That wasn’t so hard, was it?

You’re almost finished. With life. Since each birthday marks another step towards the grave.

Hummingbird Cake Coconut Mess

Hummingbird cake often has shredded coconut along its side.

I can barely function as a human being, so I decided to perch the cake on the sink and press coconut along its edges to minimize the mess. As you can see, I did a really good job while clogging the drain.

Hummingbird Cake Frosting Mess

Now it’s time to decorate the cake.

As I was decorating the cake with store-bought frosting, it decided to burst on me from the top somehow. In retrospect, that weird farting noise coming from the tube should have been a warning before it took a dump all over my hand.

Hummingbird Cake Burst Frosting

This is what it would look, feel, and taste like if Elmo took a dump on your hand.

Your mother and I went to town on the frosting at the same time. Ever see 2 Girls 1 Cup? What we did was like the Sesame Street edition. Don’t click on that link. Especially if you’re at work. You might actually get fired.

Hummingbird Cake Finished

The end product will be magnificent.

My cake decorating skills are so amazing that I have decided not to start a bakery, knowing that I would crush all of my competition immediately. The consistent frosting job, the exquisite hand-lettering, the artisanship, the deliberate lopsidedness of the cake, it’s truly something extraordinary.

Hummingbird Cake Finished Sliced

Hummingbird feeder cake is delicious.

It’s like an extremely moist banana cake, but fluffier and sweeter. The bits of crushed pineapple don’t have a ton of flavor, but they do add bits of chewy texture to break up the sponginess of the pastry. While hummingbird concentrate doesn’t add much to the taste aside from pure sugar, Paula Deen would be proud of the additional no-reason calories. She might be disappointed by the lack of racial epithets though.

Hummingbird (Feeder) Cake

  • Nonstick baking spray
  • 2 sticks (1 cup) butter, softened
  • 1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
  • 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
  • 4 large eggs
  • 3 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1/3 cup buttermilk
  • 1 1/2 cups mashed ripe banana (about 4 medium)
  • One 8-ounce can crushed pineapple
  • 1/4 cup hummingbird concentrate mixed with 1/2 cup water
  • Sweetened flaked coconut

Who cares? Just follow the instructions here and add hummingbird food wherever you feel like it. I don’t feel like writing up the recipe. It’s my birthday.

dead birthday

Thanks for being here to enjoy this nice slice of hummingbird cake with me. I will celebrate by putting my candle out with my own tears.

Oh, Dannis.

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  17 comments for “Happy Birthday, Dannis Ree: The Hummingbird (Feeder) Cake

  1. April 5, 2016 at 10:17 AM

    Hmmm, my blog is not as vulgar, and I do not have a cat or stuffed animals, but I do have a job. Otherwise I turn 40 this year and have many of the same issues. I will drink a drink in honor of your birthday! I will not eat a piece of cake, though, as the doctors already got to me with the whole “diabeetus” thing.

    • Dennis Lee
      April 5, 2016 at 1:07 PM

      It’s cool. You can get a cat, stuffed animals, and lose your job. We can make the coolest blog that way.

  2. Brad
    April 5, 2016 at 10:32 AM

    Happy birthday Dannis Ree, you magnificent bastard. Many happy returns.

    • Dennis Lee
      April 5, 2016 at 1:07 PM

      THANK YOU MR. BRAD.

  3. Neurozach
    April 5, 2016 at 2:20 PM

    Oh, Dannis, you blowhard (to extinguish the miniature forest fire atop your cake)! I hit 35 a couple months ago, and am feeling the ennui. Your blog has made it go down a lot smoother. So, thank you. And my mom says happy birthday, too. At least, I think that’s what she’s saying. These walls are thin, but not THAT thin.

    • Dennis Lee
      April 5, 2016 at 2:57 PM

      Let us suffer together. But alone.

  4. KM
    April 5, 2016 at 2:26 PM

    “For the record, I’ve never actually seen baby diarrhea. I’ve only eaten it.”

    When are you going to learn your lesson about moms blindfolding you for sensual taste tests?

    (Happy orbit day. I hope 35 does its part for the law of averages.)

    • Dennis Lee
      April 5, 2016 at 2:57 PM

      Your mother is such a kidder. She likes to blindside me.

  5. Nicole
    April 5, 2016 at 4:08 PM

    Happy birthday Dennis! I hope you have at least a bottle of luke warm Boones Farm and cake. Onwards and upwards!

    • Dennis Lee
      April 5, 2016 at 11:36 PM

      THANK YOU! Actually I still have the very same bottle of Boone’s Farm. It is not in very good shape.

  6. George H. Wessel VII
    April 5, 2016 at 7:50 PM

    As a “southerner” this really hurt my soul. Cum visit and my mom will make you the real thing. By “real thing” I mean her vagina.

    • Dennis Lee
      April 5, 2016 at 11:37 PM

      I’ll hummingbird that cake.

  7. Micha
    April 5, 2016 at 11:27 PM

    Happy birthday, you sexy piece of dog food ass!

    • Dennis Lee
      April 5, 2016 at 11:37 PM

      This is a very extremely sexual comment. I’ll take it.

  8. Daryk
    April 6, 2016 at 7:11 PM

    April 5 is my birthday too. Happy birthday internet friend!

    • Dennis Lee
      April 7, 2016 at 2:08 PM

      Happy birthday, Daryk! My mom and I also share the same birthday, but let’s leave her out of this conversation.

  9. Ian
    April 10, 2016 at 9:27 PM

    Dannis Ree, you are one magnificent motherfucker.

    Happy birthday

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