Call me a sap, but I have a soft spot for Valentine’s Day.
Before everyone goes into a tirade about how Valentine’s Day is some bullshit made-up holiday by Hallmark and card companies, it’s really an ancient holiday. The romantic part started during the High Middle Ages, supposedly having something to do with Geoffrey Chaucer. But right now none of this is important. The important part is, lots of couples go eat fancy meals at restaurants or at home, then bone like crazy. It’s pretty cool.
I like shortcuts, and really, there’s not many more foods that are sexier than chocolate. I mean, come on, it melts like silk, it’s complex and delicious, and there’s something irresistible about it. So I thought, why deal with the extra bullshit? Let’s go straight for the chocolate and sex and combine the two together.
So I hereby present to you The Sexual Chocolate Valentine’s Day Cake: A molten chocolate caramel body paint lava cake with strawberry punch sexual lubricant crème anglaise and passion fruit-flavored edible underwear raspberry coulis.
I totally just said that.
Damn straight, bitches.
Going to the sex shop (thanks, Pleasure Chest!) to purchase cooking ingredients is even better than it sounds. I got most of the ingredients in one trip, but forgot the flavored edible lube. Silly me! So I had to go back.
When I was checking out, the cashier looked at the lube and then looked me in the eye.
“Have you ever used this product before?” He asked.
Oh boy, I thought. Here we go.
“No, as a matter a fact I haven’t,” I replied.
“Just so you know, this product contains sugar, so you don’t want to use it vaginally,” he said.
“Oh, that’s fine,” I said. “I’m using it as a cooking ingredient.”
He didn’t bat an eye. What a professional.
Because the crème anglaise needs time to cool off in the fridge to firm up, I started cooking it first. Crème anglaise is a classic custard-like sauce that is pretty much the base for desserts like ice cream and crème brûlée. Any dish that has accents in it, means it’s classy.
I used this extremely simple and classic recipe from Epicurious, which you can find here. It’s easy and it makes you look like a pimp.
However — this is a big however — I flavored the crème with Sex Tarts Strawberry Punch edible sexual lubricant. It tastes like strawberry cough syrup, which pretty much screams sex. To flavor a cup of cream, it takes about four tablespoons (or more or less to taste, depending on your impressive tolerance for ingesting lube).
Also, a side note: Since there’s citric acid in it (I’m questioning if you want acid anywhere near your, uh, innie or your outie) it curdles the fat in the cream a little, giving your sauce a touch of a thicker, grainier texture. Don’t worry. Since you’re not making this ever, it doesn’t matter, because this is a stupid idea.
To add extra flavor to the raspberry coulis, I used a pair of passion fruit-flavored Edible Undies. You can use any flavor you like, though, because you’re a discerning person with discerning tastes in edible sexual condiments.
Simply prepare a traditional raspberry coulis like this one and it’ll dissolve in the sauce. Raspberry sauce does not dissolve actual underwear. I tried.
Molten lava cakes sound complicated, but they are one of the easiest desserts you can ever make at home. I used Jean George Vongerichten’s molten lava cake recipe, which you can find here at Food and Wine. Again, super easy, just like your mother.
Random culinary tip: You don’t need to use a double-boiler for the chocolate and butter. Just heat it gently in a saucepan on low and you’re fine.
I supplemented the flavor of it with Kama Sutra Lover’s Rich Caramel Body Paint, about three tablespoons worth. Then I painted a caramel penis on the ceiling of my apartment, a decision I’m currently regretting.
Gently pop the little chocolate love puck on a plate, sprinkle it with some powdered sugar, and top it with some edible flowers (you can get them at fancy grocery stores next to the herbs) and this is what you get.
I plated the sauce to the right in a shitty looking spiderwebby thing I learned how to do a long time ago. Based off his expression, Mr. Bee thinks I have the arts and crafts skills of a five year old child. But Harvey likes the chocolate cake.
Again, I’m 33 and I’m posing small stuffed animals with food infused with ingredients I got at the sex shop. This is stupid. My whole life is stupid.
But I mean, come on, ladies. Look at this. Just look at it.
And guess what? Everything tastes spectacular together. Jean George’s chocolate lava cake supplemented with rich caramel body paint is sweet, gooey, and kissed with a touch of weird artificial caramel, the tart and acidic raspberry coulis has a nice touch of fake passion fruit flavor to bolster an erection, and the lube enhanced crème anglaise could jump-start a sexual reaction in a 200-year old Tibetan monk.
No shit: This is one of the most delicious and dumbest things I’ve ever created in the kitchen. It has no business being this good.
Of course, if you’re me, you could just skip all of the shit in the kitchen and go straight for the action. This Warm Touch Warming Jelly is a sexual lubricant you can get at Dollar Tree. It’s like, a dollar.
So for all you star-crossed lovers out there, Happy Valentine’s Day from Dannis Ree! Good for you!
And for all you lone cowboys and cowgirls, I wish you a warming Dollar Tree Fappy Valentine’s Day. There’s no love like self-love.
If you’re wondering how I’ll be spending Valentine’s Day, I’ll be spending it as usual. With your mother.*
*Naked, drunk, and alone, running away from a tribe of sasquatches in a forest.