I Tried Six Interesting Herbal Teas and the Results Will Shock Your Balls

As you all know, living a healthy life is very important.

It is a good idea to take care of yourself, so that you can have healthy bowel movements to brag about at parties. I am obviously going to cool parties. I like to call my get-togethers “Parties of One,” since they usually involve me and your mother and she doesn’t really count. Also, these parties are mainly me getting drunk in random office bathrooms after failed interviews.

Something many people do not know is that I am a self-proclaimed health expert. One tip I have is to never try anything I make on this blog. My food will shorten your life, and you will not live long enough to do cool things, such as fall down a flight of stairs with a paper bag over your head. Another tip I have is to unconditionally trust every single claim written on health food packaging.

At my local mom and pop pharmacy, they have an entire wall of interesting Chinese herbal teas, by Chicago-based Health King, all for very specific purposes. They have some pretty cool names, and so I bought a shitload of them to try in the comfort of my own home.

Herbal Teas All

I purchased six herbal teas: TV/ComputerMate, Mammary and Uterus Care, Manhood, FemaleJoy, Body Attraction, and Easy-Going and Colon Clean. 

As you can see from their names, they have very specific purposes to improve your bodily functions. The majority of the teas I bought are for sexual reasons. I’m constantly feeling extremely sexual, which is natural for a man who takes photos of food posed with small stuffed animals.

So I said to myself, “Dannis Ree, you will do anything in the name of science, because your body is already a human dumpster. You must sacrifice your body to find out whether or not these teas will make you a superior human specimen.”

Herbal Teas Computer

The first tea I tried was the TV ComputerMate herb tea.

Its packaging states: “TV/ComputerMate Herb tea is made of high quality herbs. Chinese medicine uses their anti-radiation, anti-chemo, blood regenerating and circulation promoting, and relaxing properties to protect white blood cells, and to maintain excellent memory, especially for those who spend long time in front of computer and Television.”

This is verbatim, funny English and everything. I spend a lot of time in front of a computer and television, and I also stick my head in a microwave for extended periods of time. It’s natural that I would benefit from this tea.

The first thing I noticed when taking my first sip of this tea is that it smells strongly of patchouli. Patchouli is an herb related to the mint family, and it smells very strong. If you’ve ever stood next to a person in a health food store, they usually smell like patchouli, which is to say, they smell horrible. Those people oftentimes have very unruly dreadlocks and should not be trusted. And yes, one of this tea’s main components is actually patchouli.

This tea tastes like a Phish concert. Phish is a band many people listen to and pretend to like, but everyone secretly hates their music. Also, each Phish song is over 45 minutes long. After drinking this tea, I felt all the radiation melt away from my body and suddenly I became a magical donkey.

Herbal Teas Mammary Uterus

The second tea I tried was the Mammary and Uterus Care Herb Tea.

Its packaging states: “Nicely flavored, Mammary & Uterus Care™ Herb Tea is made of wild asparagus, vaccaria, pyrrosia, biota tops with other precious herbs. Traditional Chinese herbalism uses them to nourish the Yin, maintain normal breast structure and consistency, and to support healthy mammary and uterus functions.”

Now, you might be saying, “Dannis, you talk about your penis all day long. Why are you drinking this tea? You do not have mammaries or a uterus. What are you doing?”

While it’s true I do not have mammaries or a uterus, when I drank this tea, my dick fell off, I grew milky boobs, and gave birth to a baby. Fortunately, this tea does not taste like a 24-hour Phish concert, and it has a woody and mild jasmine flower flavor. It’s not unpleasant, but it is not the best tea I have ever had. I gave some to your mother and nothing happened, since those days are long behind her, plus, there’s no saving her mammaries at this point.

Herbal Teas Manhood

The third tea I tried was the Manhood Herb Tea.

Its packaging states: “Manhood Herb Tea™ is made of broomrape (cistanchis herba) from the pollution-free high plateau of northwest China, wild rhodiola, panax ginseng, astragalus and other precious herbs, It tastes great. Broomrape has alkaloids, etc. Ginseng has amino acids, folic acid, vitamins B1, B2, selenium, panaxosides, Rh2, etc., and is famous for its tonifying quality.

When I first took a sip of this tea, my huge penis grew back, and my milky boobs and uterus fell off. Well, my uterus more like fell out than off. I kept those as a memento of my experience. Now, let’s go back for a minute and look at one of the ingredients of this tea, broomrape.

First of all, I’m not sure you should be writing that on a box of tea. Nobody should be broomraping anybody, ever. But really, broomrape is a parasitic herbaceous plant that takes advantage of host plants to get its nutrients. This is actually pretty horrific-sounding. I guess it’s supposed to give you a giant penis and monster fountains of baby batter shooting out of your mushroom head, and in my case, that happened. As for this tea’s taste, well, it tastes like a mild green tea; there’s nothing extraordinary about its flavor.

Also, I achieved a massive erection lasting over four hours and had to go to the hospital. Turns out the first course of treatment for a four hour boner is a high-five from the doctor.

Herbal Teas Female Joy

The fourth tea I tried was the FemaleJoy herb tea.

Its packaging states: “This herb tea is made of wild pyrola, broomrape and other precious herbs. They provide arbutin, homoarbutin, pirolatin, alkaloids, etc. Chinese medicine uses them as female sexual enhances promoting secretion of female hormone and increasing sexual response and sensitivity.”

I mainly tried this one to counteract the effects of my new beanbag chair-sized testicles and elephant trunk-like penis. In this case, those fell off (I donated them to science) and I grew a giant clitoris and was very responsive to sexual stimulation with your mother. If it sounds hot, it wasn’t, but it certainly was interesting. I felt immense female joy, just like the name of the tea, and I had a very good time. As to its flavor, it has a minimally mild jasmine flower flavor with an indistinct herbal tea taste, but is otherwise fairly dull. There’s more broomrape in it.

Herbal Teas Body Attraction

The fifth tea I tried was the Body Attraction herb tea.

Its packaging states: “Body Attraction Herb Tea is made of high quality essential oil rich herbs that were used in high-class beauty and health aid in ancient China. Their harmonizing, internal secretion (including sweat) regulating and blood capillary relaxing properties change the composition of sweat and produce an attractive and pleasant body scent.”

The name of this one is a little misleading; I thought it’d make me irresistibly good-looking, but my assface did not improve whatsoever. I remained very homely. Instead, I began to smell like a freshly bloomed field of wildflowers, buzzing with Africanized bees and dangerous ticks. The problem with this tea is that it has more goddamn patchouli in it, and that ruins its flavor completely. Without the goddamn patchouli stink, it would taste like a very watery plain herbal tea — this one doesn’t contain any actual tea leaves and therefore has no caffeine.

Herbal Teas Colon Cleanse

The final tea I tried was the Easy-Going and Colon Clean herb tea.

Its packaging states: “Nicely flavored, Easy-Going & Colon Clean™ Herb Tea is made of wild senna leaf, rhubarb and other precious herbs. Traditional Chinese herbalism uses them to support regularity and easy bowel movement.”

I haven’t taken an easy-going dump yet, but I have a feeling it’s coming at some point, because I drank a TON of it. And when it does come, it’ll probably be a bowl-filler. Its main laxative ingredient is called senna, which is a natural poo releaser. You’ll often see senna products next to the other laxatives in the poo aisle at the drug store. Even Ex-Lax contains sennosides, which are derived from the senna plant. Ex-Lax dumps are very uncomfortable since it feels like your stomach is clamping down on itself to violently expel turds, so I’m a little scared.

Here’s a cool story from my sordid and shadowy past: One time at an office I used to work at, I was promised $200 if I drank a very small bottle of saline laxative solution. I cheerfully agreed, not realizing I’d ingested two doses at once. After about 45 minutes, I was on the toilet, with my coworkers standing outside the stall, cheering and laughing. I spent the rest of the day shooting clear water out my ass, and I didn’t get a single bit of work done. Later I’d realized that nobody would pay up, and I only ended up with $35 dollars and a very raw butthole.

If there’s a lesson to be learned, it’s to get the money up front for any dare before you chug a bottle of saline laxative, because a very sore butt is not worth $35.

Anyway, this tea actually tastes like a regular green tea, mild, pleasant, and enjoyable. If you’re throwing a party full of people you hate, I highly recommend serving this as an iced tea so that eight hours later, all of your enemies will be howling on the toilet. They’ll leave you alone forever.

Herbal Teas Tea Bags

So what did I learn from this experiment?

I learned that various herbal teas will give you different genitals with both massive erections and insane moist verginers (that’s the correct spelling), you’ll grow healthy milky boobs, dangerous radiation will be expelled from your body, you’ll smell attractive, and you’ll extrude massive dumps. It works. It all works. Trust me, I’m an expert. You’ll be a walking freak of nature.

Oh yeah, and patchouli is the worst thing in the world.

And so’s Phish.

[Edit: 12 hours later, I ended up giving birth to a gigantic brown bouncing baby. From my ass.]


  17 comments for “I Tried Six Interesting Herbal Teas and the Results Will Shock Your Balls

  1. Charles
    December 15, 2015 at 11:30 AM

    What did you name the baby from the mammary/uterus care tea?

    • Dennis Lee
      December 15, 2015 at 12:19 PM

      I named it Charles, after you.

      • Charles
        December 15, 2015 at 12:35 PM

        Aww, shucks!

    • Dennis Lee
      December 15, 2015 at 12:19 PM

      Also, I’m sorry. I had to put the child up for adoption. Charles is in a better place.

      • Charles
        December 15, 2015 at 12:36 PM

        That was very brave of you to do the right thing.

  2. Elmer
    December 16, 2015 at 7:59 AM

    “Turns out the first course of treatment for a four hour boner is a high-five from the doctor.”
    I was lucky to get a female doctor. Instead of a high-five she repeatedly sucked it. Too bad she looked like your mom.

    • Dennis Lee
      December 16, 2015 at 10:26 AM

      Which doctor do you go to? Was it in the alley behind the 4 AM bar? I know her. She’s treated me a lot of times.

      • Elmer
        December 16, 2015 at 6:41 PM

        Behind the Vienna Beef factory. She said she’s fixed a lot of sausages in her day.

        • Dennis Lee
          December 17, 2015 at 9:38 AM

          I’m proud of my mom.

          • Elmer
            December 17, 2015 at 5:55 PM

            Me too. Kinda makes all the mom jokes worth it.

  3. December 16, 2015 at 10:28 AM

    You lucked out, when I worked for an acupuncturist/herbalist the main ingredient in her boner tea was beans eaten and pood out by a small rodent. Also dehydrated ground worms. I would get you some but sha has to much ethics to give me any…

    • Dennis Lee
      December 16, 2015 at 12:19 PM

      I need this. Poo beans and ground up worms.

  4. Mike Crotch
    December 17, 2015 at 3:13 PM

    I used to work at a summer camp where we couldn’t leave brooms in the cabins because there was a history of kids raping each other with brooms.

    Great article!

    • Dennis Lee
      December 17, 2015 at 3:30 PM

      This is why we can’t have nice things. Brooms and kids at camp.

  5. The Archmage of the Aether
    December 18, 2015 at 12:37 PM

    Dear Sir,

    I was introduced to your wonderful blog yesterday. Splendid and smashing both. Your methodology of using questionable yet available ingredients in your quest to eat food every day struck a chord within me. Though born in North America, i live in India, one of the great timeless centres of Questionable yet Available Ingredients; like you, i eat every day. Also like you, i am single and rapidly aging due to corporeal abuse. Our similarities end here, but that might suffice for me to type two or three paragraphs. Yes.

    As i finished reading the first two dozen of your articles i chose at random, by chance i was also drinking a new Indian wine: in my quest to slake my Thirsty Curiosity Concerning All things, i do this sort of thing, i admit. There have been pleasant surprises on this particular path but may i posit that “chaat masala” does not stand beside “notes of vanilla” in the global viniculturist lexicon. ‘Chaat masala’ translates into English as ‘Fart Salt’. Look it up.

    Of course, i should have read the label (above the rs125 pricetag) before deciding on my purchase. “Sidus Premium Red is a young, well rounded wine with red fruit aromas. Medium bodied and pleasantly acidic, the wine is great to be had on its own but will equally stand out when making mixed drinks with wine as its base. It also adds a dash of depth to your sauces when used for cooking in the kitchen. Mfg May’15.”

    This wine is shit. If i ever swing through Chicago, i’ll bring you a bottle.

    Please continue to write. Also, if you continue in unemployment, consider shipping yourself to India for a spell. Life is cheap here, and also, inexpensive. The food is diverse: a single streetfood market might well covering all your tags, including Ethnic Food, Vagina-shaped Food, No, and Drinks.

    Have someone else, like the government, pay for your trip. Make it a Cultural thing. Approach the Fulbright people, or GQ India. It is easier to have strangers pay for your ridiculous life than to pay for your normal life. This is a fact.


    Thanking you in advance,
    The Archmage of the Aether

    • Dennis Lee
      December 18, 2015 at 3:11 PM

      Wow. Thank you so much. I saw your comment on the A.V. Club yesterday and I hope I find a bag of money on the bus too. If I ever find myself in India, you’ll be the first person I look up. Probably the only person, because I don’t know anyone who lives in India right now.

      All this stuff that you talk about sounds magical, and I need them inside me. And by magical, I mean, potentially horrific.

      You made my otherwise terrible string of days much nicer. Someday when I’m over there in hot and sweaty India, eating fart salt, we’ll ruin food together.

  6. Anonymous
    June 12, 2016 at 6:48 PM

    So, patchouli can be made into a tea?

    I’ve heard of the essential oil, but didn’t know the leaves can be made into a tea. Patchouli must be like its relative, lavender. Both known for their fragrance and culinary/medicinal purposes.

    Also, is patchouli tea safe & what are the side effects?

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