As you all know, I believe that Taco Bell is one of the greatest restaurants on earth. Last November, I did a very interesting experiment where I sous-vided a bunch of Taco Bell dishes for 48 hours. It was a very strange and ill-advised experiment. You can re-read that here. And even before that, I ate every single breakfast item for Serious Eats, which you can read here. I am particularly proud of that endeavor and I even got interviewed by Bloomberg Businessweek because I suddenly became an expert in Taco Bell. Check it out!
In March, Taco Bell released the biscuit taco, which was supposed to revolutionize fast food breakfast. Or at least they made it seem that way.
Taco Bell’s advertising campaign calls upon consumers to become “Breakfast Defectors.” I had a lot of trouble with that little catchphrase because every time I read it, I saw the words “Breakfast Defecators.” It’s a wonder what difference one letter makes. When you think about it, we’re all breakfast defecators. This entire paragraph is mainly about poo.
The short film you see above shows a dark bleak world where all other fast food restaurants hold people in a communist-style world that is reminiscent of Soviet Russia. This film is actually very menacing and feels extremely sinister. I don’t think scaring people into eating fast food is generally a good way to sell anything. You can scare people into buying guns, though.
This cool guy has the right idea. Never mind the fact that he probably sleeps alone because if he had someone next to him, he would bonk them in the head as he whipped out his gun. This post went from biscuit tacos to guns pretty quick. I like to tackle the big issues.
When the new biscuit tacos came out, people ran up to me and asked me, “Dannis, have you tried the new biscuit tacos yet?” My answer was always no. Until today. I woke up late and drove over to Taco Bell like a crazy person just in time for the last call for breakfast.
I learned an interesting fact — everyone who comes into Taco Bell before noon is a male in his late 20s who looks hungover and unshowered, and for some reason, they are all wearing basketball shorts.
There are supposed to be at least four kinds of biscuit tacos on the Taco Bell breakfast menu, including a chicken biscuit taco with jalapeno honey. My Taco Bell did not have that. In fact, they only had two kinds, the egg, sausage, and cheese biscuit taco, and the egg, bacon, and cheese biscuit taco. I felt let down and spiritually abandoned.
Actually, that’s how I feel every day.
This is the bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit taco. You can’t just make a flat biscuit, fold it up, and suddenly call it a taco. That is very silly. It looks like a sandwich or a steamed bun. So first off, this taco thing is a lie.
I felt betrayed immediately.
Upon further inspection, you can see the cheese has not melted one bit. My heart sank. I took my first bite and realized all I could taste was chewy gummy biscuit. The biscuit dominates the entire taco, making it hard to taste the already tasteless eggs, though every now and then an overly chewy pre-cooked bacon bit comes through with another layer of disappointment. Taco Bell can’t even do crispy bacon. Everything tastes like salt.
As you can see, Harvey and Mr. Bee are trying to figure out what is going on with this thing, structurally. It reminds me of your mother when she is lying on her side, but we won’t get into that too much since Mother’s Day just happened.
Again, this biscuit taco tastes mostly like biscuit. The dried out sausage is folded up like the mattress in a folding bed. At first the biscuit is sort of okay, a little artificially fluffy, but quickly devolves into an exercise in chewing and orally dissolving biscuit gum. There are eggs too, but they don’t have much of a flavor.
I watched the employee make the eggs. They use an interesting square pan with egg liquid that goes into a steam tray in a little box. Every now and then the egg box is agitated to make scrambly-looking eggs. The eggs are the kind you get from cheap hotels, that have no flavor and are reconstituted from powder, or come from a bag. You could eat a whole plate of these eggs and not know what you’ve eaten.
My final conclusion is that these biscuit tacos taste like broken promises. I can’t go so far as to say the biscuit tacos taste like ass, but I can’t recommend them either because I love you, and I don’t want you to experience unnecessary disappointment.
One magical thing I learned, however, is that most of the Taco Bell menu is available first thing in the morning. So if you’re a hardcore person like me, you can order the 7-Layer Burrito, which has the texture of mush, and the amazing wondrous flavor of a unicorn’s ass. If you were wondering, these are all positive descriptors.
Also, Taco Bell just released a new kind of hot sauce packet called Diablo sauce. It is genuinely pretty spicy and tastes like lime juice and, uh, fiery sodium.
If you decided not to read this whole post and just scrolled down to the bottom like a jackass, here is my conclusion: Don’t.