Jerked Cock and Balls Soup

Fusion cuisine glues multiple types of ethnic food together and creates new dishes, merging the flavors of one region with another. One of the more popular things these days is smushing anything with Mexican food; Los Angeles has a famous fleet of trucks called Kogi (“kogi” is the Korean word for meat). They were the guys to put Mexican-Korean tacos on the map. That shit’s been done a bajillion times now, since corn tortillas are one of the easiest things to use as a main vehicle for other ingredients. But it got me thinking. Why don’t you see Chilean-Albanian food out there, or Icelandic-Laotian? What other combinations are out there that we haven’t discovered?

I admit, this intro paragraph is basically my excuse to put a recipe together that has a beautiful name, a name that you can shout out into the streets, a recipe you can introduce to your future mother-in-law.

So, the story: A while back, I found a dry soup packet called “Cock Flavored Soup Mix” which comes from Grace Foods in Jamaica. I died. The “cock,” of course, refers to chicken. In which case, I love cock. I love putting all sorts of cock in my mouth. I’d gobble cock all day if I could. Cock.

But naturally — with cock, you need some balls. Matzo balls are perfect, since they’re huge, spongy, and moist, plus they typically come to you bathing in co — er, chicken broth, so it’s a natural pairing. And of course, as a throwback to Jamaica, why not add some jerk chicken?

I like to call this fusion “Jewmaican.” And I hereby introduce to you: Jerked Cock and Balls Soup.

Jerked Cock and Balls Soup Ingredients

The ingredients are very simple. Matzo ball mix (easier for me since I’m not too familiar with Jewish food), Jamaican jerk seasoning (in this case wet, because if I’m going to jerk, I prefer to jerk moist), the Cock-flavored soup mix, and chicken thighs (breast works too). As you can see in the photo above, Harvey is looking at his former cousin’s thigh with a little bit of sadness.

Simply prepare the jerk chicken as instructed on the bottle — which means marinate the meat for at least an hour and roast to temp in the oven. Remove the skin (which is flabby since the jerk is wet), and shred the meat off the chicken. Set it aside.

Prepare the matzo ball mix as directed (needs eggs and vegetable oil). To prevent the matzo from sticking to your hands, I recommend you oil them up before you start. Greasy palms are an important technique for Jerked Cock and Ball Soup. You don’t want your palms all sticky while jamming chicken in your balls. Flatten out a small portion in the palm of your hand, place a little bit of shredded jerk chicken in the middle, and fold up gently like a dumpling. Be sure to fill in any cracks to prevent leaky balls. Just warning you; this is a little difficult since matzo batter tends to crack when you fool around with it.

Prepare the Cock-flavored soup mix with 2 cups of boiling water as directed, dip your balls in the soup, and garnish with fresh dill. That’s it!

Jerked Cock and Balls Soup

My preferred vessel for Jerked Cock and Balls Soup is in a banged up penguin bowl, which I bought for myself, because that’s not sad at all.

Closeup Jerked Cock and Balls Soup

The Cock-flavored soup mix is salty with a bit of a spicy kick and a big chicken bouillon flavor, complete with MSG and everything. It’s savory and comforting, just like cock. The Cock-flavored soup mix also has tiny noodles in it, giving the cock broth little bits to chew on. So chew away on those cock noodles.

If you can’t find powdered Cock (I found it at the Rogers Park Fruit Market in Chicago), then feel free to use a packet of Lipton or Knorr instant chicken noodle soup since they have about the same flavor. If you’re a purist, you can use regular chicken broth or stock, but then I’m disallowing you from making cock jokes while eating it.

Jerked Ball Cross Section

The matzo balls resemble chinese bao (dumplings), with a vibrantly noisy blend of jerk spices tucked away in the spongy balls. Granted — the jerk flavor tends to wash away a little as you boil the balls, but that’s okay. Just make sure you jerk that chicken real good.

And there you have it. Jewmaican Jerked Cock and Balls Soup. Jewmaican me crazy, Dannis Ree.

I’m really proud of myself today.

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  4 comments for “Jerked Cock and Balls Soup

  1. Jake
    December 8, 2014 at 9:46 AM

    Amazing. You’re clearly a culinary wizard, sir.

  2. Neurozach
    December 31, 2015 at 11:51 AM
  3. Bette
    December 31, 2015 at 12:27 PM

    It is New Year’s Eve December 2015, and I am sitting here on my couch reading a marathon of Pizzle. I should be at the gym. I should be making something of my life.

    This is my favorite Pizzle thus far. I’m quite certain I have peed the couch, laughing. Oh well.

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