Which is the Best Coffee for a Coffee Enema?

As you know, food is an integral part of a healthy lifestyle. But did you know you can use food in healthy ways for things other than eating? For example, many people put round slices of cucumber on their eyes to decrease puffiness. Other people use olive oil in their hair to make it shinier and more delicious. But one of the most advanced ways you can use food for health is by doing a coffee enema.

If you don’t actually know what an enema is, it’s essentially where you jam some kind of fluid up your ass to clean out your insides. It’s truly a marvelous procedure and an even better experience.

Coffee enemas are for people who know secrets about health that the rest of the world doesn’t know. They cure things like Ebola, cancer, depression, and general lack of self-esteem. If you think I’m pulling your leg, check out this Wikipedia article and the following video, which gives you instructions on how to do one:

My favorite part of this video is that this lady executes her coffee enema on her kitchen counter, which is the most hygenic place to do one. My other favorite part of this video is at 7:04, where her voice actually changes in pitch due to the coffee enema.

I can tell she knows a lot about well-being and taking care of yourself in interesting and unique ways.Coffee Enema Brands

For today’s post, I tested three different brands of coffee to see which is best for a coffee enema. First, I tried Folger’s Classic Roast freeze-dried coffee, then Dunkin’ Donuts Original Blend, and I finished with Dark Matter Coffee’s A Love Supreme, which is their House Blend.

Coffee Enema Smurf Front

Now, since I’m a very polite and well-adjusted individual, I am opting not to show you the actual procedure on my own body, because it involves me jamming fluid up my ass. Plus, I’ve been told by a friend that one of my posts was filtered out as “pornographic material” at his workplace due to my excessive use of the word “penis.” You can read that post here.

So instead, I purchased the dirtiest, cheapest, stuffed animal I could find at the thrift store. I originally wanted to use a plastic baby doll, but my lawyers advised me against that due to a recent “incident.”

As you can see, to simulate the application of the coffee enema, I strapped a Whoopee Cushion to the back of this Smurf Doll. It is a model of the human colon.

Coffee Enema Smurf Back

Here is the backside of the doll with the scientifically applied Whoopee Cushion. It’s a good representation for a rear end because it makes simulated flatulence, that sounds similar to the real thing.Coffee Enema Tubes

The main equipment includes a funnel and some surgical tubing. They sell this material at The Home Depot. When I asked the gentleman where I could find these pieces, he looked at me and said, “I know what you’re making.”

I almost shouted, “You know the secret about butt chugging too?!”

Turns out he thought I was making a beer bong. I’m not an irresponsible frat boy. I felt insulted, but kept my opinion to myself.Coffee Enema Proper Position

First, you’ll want to lie down in a safe and comfortable place. Normally I’d perform this procedure on the sidewalk in plain view of the street, to publicly demonstrate the benefits of a coffee enema, but it’s a little chilly outside to be running around in my knickers. Plus, my lawyers also highly advised against this course of action. So I opted for the bathtub.

As you can see I have my scalding hot coffee at the ready, and the model is lying on its side in a comfortable position. The tube is crammed up its simulated anus, well past the sphincter. Since I don’t like adding artificial lubricants inside my body while doing such a wholesome activity, I usually just cram it in dry until I’m bleeding profusely.Coffee Enema Administration

This part can be tricky. You put the coffee in the funnel and elevate the funnel so that gravity forces the nearly-boiling liquid into your ass. You can ask a friend or family member to help you do this. I ask your mother to help me out when I’m doing coffee enemas because she knows me intimately from top to bottom. Bottom. Get it? I’m such a silly goose.Coffee Enema Down the Hatch

Once you get the fluid running, it’s perfectly normal for it to run up your back and all over your face. You may want to avoid any particulate matter just because it’s hard to clean up later.Coffee Enema Bad Administration

When the liquid has fully entered your colon, clench tightly and let it sit for approximately two hours. Read a book while you’re in the bathtub or use your iPad to watch House of Cards, but make sure your iPad is tightly covered in Saran Wrap so you don’t get any coffee mixture on your iPad. Then you can just release the fluid in the toilet, or as I do, I just let it out in the bathtub all over your body due to convenience. You should look like the model in the picture. Sometimes I shower afterwards, but oftentimes I just put my clothes back on and run around in circles in the park because I feel energized and I like the strange smell on my body.Coffee Enema Folgers

As a pioneer in the field of food writing, I’m creating a new term for things like coffee enemas. It’s called “assfeel.” This term describes the texture of the liquid as it enters and leaves your rear.

Folger’s Classic Roast:

Folger’s is not a very good coffee to drink in general. It is low quality in terms of flavor. It’s what you drink when there are no other options in the house and you have some in the way back of your pantry in case of zombie emergencies outside (aka Cubs Games). This is why it’s a prime candidate for a coffee enema.

Its assfeel is rough and caustic, almost like powdered glass. Due to its watery texture, however, it does dislodge a bunch of unwanted toxins and chunks out of your body fairly well. I highly recommend it for your first coffee enema if you’re new at this technique.

Coffee Enema Dunkin Donuts

Dunkin’ Donuts Original Blend:

Dunkin’ Donuts slogan is “America Runs on Dunkin’.” Television personality and canned-goods chef Rachel Ray endorses Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. It’s an inoffensive brew that has no discerning flavors other than brown.

Dunkin’ Donuts assfeel is slightly acidic and abrasive, but since this was my second application of the day, that may just have been the blisters inside my colon popping because my first cup, Folgers, was actually boiling when I administered it. It smells the same going in as it does going out. The caffeine, when administered through your back door, hits you pretty hard and since this was my second cup I began feeling jittery.   Coffee Enema Dark Matter

Dark Matter Coffee’s A Love Supreme House Blend:

Dark Matter Coffee is a local coffee roaster that makes terrific coffee. It’s absolutely delicious, and those guys know their stuff. I highly recommend you order some online or if you’re in Chicago, you can buy some at Star Lounge on Chicago Avenue. This was the only whole-bean I had in the lineup, so I ground it and brewed it in my tiny little coffee pot.

The assfeel of the Dark Matter Coffee is smooth and rich, though I prefer drinking Dark Matter over taking it through a tube that has been forced up my flower-shaped anus. It’s really like having a locomotive made entirely out of silk running through your lower digestive tract. It’s unreal how wonderful it is taken this way. Out of all three coffees, this artisanal version is the best. After all, you can’t spell “artisanal” without the words “art is anal” combined.

At this point, I felt like I could run through a brick wall. I actually tried, and suffered severe injuries while spouting coffee like a punctured waterbed being dragged through an alleyway.

My conclusion is that if you’re going to do a coffee enema to unlock the fountain of youth and the cure to Hepatitis C, please use the good stuff from a local coffee place. Not only are you taking good care of yourself, you’re supporting local business that will literally then be running through your veins.

Stay happy and healthy, everyone! After all, it’s the 1st of April and there’s just so much spring to enjoy!


  10 comments for “Which is the Best Coffee for a Coffee Enema?

  1. Charlotte
    April 30, 2015 at 10:14 AM

    I’m actually crying at this moment due to laughter. This blog is freakin’ amazing, and I love it to pieces.

    • Dennis Lee
      April 30, 2015 at 1:50 PM

      Hello, Charlotte!

      That makes me very happy to hear. Because I am a trainwreck, I have decided to let everyone know I’m a trainwreck. It is very important so that the rest of the world feels better about itself. Please come back and say hello. There is a lot more to come unless I poison myself.

      • May 4, 2015 at 11:17 PM

        Don’t poison yourself Danni’s, order every episode of the Drew Carry show via shady Canadian bootleg company, get a box of alone wine and be greatful Mr Wick isn’t your boss… Not that I know from experience

  2. Heather
    September 3, 2015 at 1:45 PM

    Bahahahaha…. are you aware of the side effects of such endeavors? infections, sepsis (including campylobacter sepsis), severe electrolyte imbalance, colitis, proctocolitis, salmonella, brain abscess, and heart failure. If the coffee is inserted too quickly or is too hot, it could cause internal burning or rectal perforation and WHO DOESN’T WANT THAT!!!

    • Dennis Lee
      September 3, 2015 at 2:33 PM

      Absolutely. The risk is my favorite part, plus a severe addiction to an absurd amount of caffeine.

      Also, this was on April Fools’ Day, so my colon is very much intact. Just ask my toilet.

      • Heather
        September 4, 2015 at 2:28 PM

        April Fools or not, people ACTUALLY do this! Like, in real life! Not even LARP’ing, *real* life. Whatever that is. I don’t have a real life, just a mere fantasy and a whisper of a life. But I digress. COFFEE…. up the ol’ bung piece!

        • Dennis Lee
          September 4, 2015 at 2:59 PM

          Oh no, I totally know. There’s some weird doctor that actually advocates this.

  3. Abbey
    January 27, 2016 at 4:39 PM

    “America Runs on Dunkin” and not a single “have the runs” joke? I AM DISAPPOINT. Disappoint with a side of the giggles, because THE RUNS. *gigglesnort*

    Also, I remember a few years ago when I realized that “artisanal” spelled out “art is anal” and I just about died laughing. I haven’t been able to see the word any other way since then. I’m glad I’m not alone in that!

    • Dennis Lee
      January 28, 2016 at 10:00 AM

      My art is truly anal.

  4. Kiss my brown ass
    February 22, 2018 at 3:13 AM

    Y’all muthafucas need jesus

Leave a Reply to Kiss my brown ass Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *