What Happens When You Put SlimFast in a Shitty Ice Cream Maker?

Before I get started today, I would like to make an announcement: I won the Chicago Reader’s “Best Food Writer (of Your ‘Mama Jokes’)” for 2015!

Yes, that really happened. Check it out here. It was a surprise to me, though the Chicago Reader did contact me a few weeks ago asking for a headshot, so I gave them this one:

And that is the photo that got published on their website. I am extremely proud of myself.

Food writer Mike Sula compared me to GG Allin, who was pretty much known for being the craziest punk rocker that ever lived. Along with pushing the social boundaries of what was acceptable in music, Allin did some gross activities while performing. If you want to know what gross stuff I’m talking about, I’m specifically talking about the fact that GG Allin ate his own poo on stage. I never thought I would be talking about poo-eating on my food blog, but here I am today, talking about that particular activity. I do not plan on eating my own poo. However, I will take all of this as a huge compliment, so thank you, Mike, and thank you, Chicago Reader!

Now that all this poo talk is out of the way, let’s talk about today’s foray into the wonderful world of food.

In today’s society, everyone is obsessed with losing weight and being healthy. Obesity is a very concerning health issue, and it’s causing a lot of problems for many people. Although it may appear as if I do not care about myself, considering I appear to eat actual garbage according to this blog, I also wish to lose some weight. Once upon a time, I was very in-shape and handsome. And then I discovered food writing and now I’m starting to resemble a perfectly spherical object.

Basically, I do not want to get to the point where I cannot see my own penis when I look down. Before you get mad at me, I am genuinely not making fun of people who have round bellies and cannot see their penises. Your mother sees their penises all the time, and that’s terrific. I simply need a goal to help me maintain a healthy weight, and that seems like a very reasonable goal. My goal is to always be able to see my own penis because no one else wants to look at it. I am very sad and lonely all the time.

Since we are now in the middle of summer, one of everyone’s favorite things to eat is ice cream. I really like ice cream too. It’s cold, sweet, rich, and delicious, but it has a lot of calories. But how can a person enjoy ice cream while also losing weight at the same time?

I had a brilliant (stupid) idea, and decided that now was the time for me to put SlimFast into an ice cream maker. You see, I want to look good in your mother’s bikini, because she sure doesn’t. When you (I) feel desperate, sometimes you (I) do silly things like buy SlimFast in order to make yourself (myself) feel like you’re (I’m) responsibly losing weight. I do not like to admit it, but I have tried to do the SlimFast diet and it really does not work. You are hungry all day and punch people in the face due to crankiness. Plus, SlimFast tastes like ass. At first it resembles a creamy harmless milkshake, but then its aftertaste becomes chalky and almost metallic. It tastes like an adult version of baby formula.

I purchased a piece of shit ice cream maker from the mall. I think I am allergic to shopping malls because every time I step in one, I want to commit suicide. This modern marvel of technology cost me $20.

Unlike some of my more ornate recipes, this one really only has one main ingredient: Chocolate-flavored SlimFast. The snacks you see on the right are for garnish.

Each serving of SlimFast has 190 calories, which is not very much if you’re using it as a meal substitute. A serving of full-fat ice cream has approximately 234982389 delicious calories. 190 calories is a reasonable amount of calories for a low-calorie ice cream snack. SlimFast also does not contain very much fat, and is chock full of useless vitamins and minerals that you will just pee out later. 

Here is the SlimFast in the chilled ice cream maker container. This is not a very interesting picture. It just looks like SlimFast in a container.

I have taken the liberty of adding some extra accents to the photo, including a childish looking cat, an ice cream cone, and an ant. I do not know what that giant thing is in the middle of the photo, that highly resembles a crudely drawn penis shooting semen.

Here, you see my rickety ice cream maker ready to rip.

Ice cream making in a small machine at home is an interesting process. These aren’t just plain ice cubes. You also have to mix salt in with them to bring the temperature of the ice down just a touch below 32°F. If you don’t use the salt, your ice cream base won’t get cold enough to firm up. This entire process is known as magic.

Now, the reason why you can’t just freeze ice cream base in the freezer is because it’ll form crystals when it freezes up. Ice crystals make your ice cream grainy, and therefore nowhere near as fun to eat. When you agitate ice cream constantly while lowering its temperature, you do not allow ice crystals to form.

In most dumb food blogs these scientific explanations are really just regurgitated information from Wikipedia. It is because most bloggers do not actually know what they are talking about. I have been writing about food for many years now so I know a lot of this stuff, but if you told me magic pixies farted out ice cream I would be just as happy. Ice cream makes me feel like a kid, so who cares?

After the chocolate-flavored SlimFast has churned for approximately 30 minutes, it will look like refried beans. I also like refried beans very much. I would eat frozen refried beans, but really, I would probably eat anything because I have extremely low standards.

Here is the leftover ice from the churn. I like to play with store-bought ice because is clearer than the kind I make in the ice tray and it always seems to have a different, more brittle texture.

Also, I took this picture because many bars put ice in urinals for some reason. I never really understood why they did that, but it is fun to pee on ice. I am guessing many women do not know this fact. I have discussed poo-eating, and now pee, in this food blog post. I take this shit to the limit. I’m a true No Limit Soldier. I’m like the…GG Allin of food.

Goddammit. Mike Sula was right.

Once you’re done churning any ice cream or sorbet, you should put it in the freezer to firm up. You can eat it right after it’s done churning but it tends to have a much softer texture and it’s closer to melting.

The more-frozen version of chocolate-flavored SlimFast still looks like refried beans.

Here is the finished product.

As you can see, it’s quite grainy. I am guessing it’s grainy because I did not add any extra emulsifiers, such as egg yolk, to the mix. Egg yolks have protein and fat and help keep ice cream silky and smooth. Plus, regular ice cream is made with fat-heavy cream with less water content. So this is more like a milk-ice than ice cream. I expected this was going to happen. To be honest, I was pretty lazy with this blog post, considering there was only one ingredient.

However, a cool thing I learned is that SlimFast candy bar snacks are delicious. No shit. The peanut butter one that I crumbled over the top tastes just like Butterfinger candy bars with less calories. The SlimFast ice cream still tastes like SlimFast. It’s icy, semi-sweet, milky, with a copper-like aftertaste that is likely due to all the added nutrients. It’s actually not a bad way to enjoy SlimFast if you feel like taking your time with it; if it’s a hot summer morning you can eat it this way with some nice granola and fruit on top. Being able to see your peepee on a regular basis is really a noble goal and I will never make fun of you for trying to take care of yourself and your own health, no matter how you do it.

Today I have covered a punk rocker that ate his own poo, explained my healthy weight goal of always being able to see my schlong when I look down, drew a dong on a perfectly good food photo, explained basic ice cream science, put SlimFast in a dirt-cheap ice cream maker, took photos of stuffed animals, and pondered why I pee on ice in bars late at night.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am an award-winning food writer.