The Rollie Eggmaster is the Best Dumbest Cooking Device Ever Invented

Last week, my friend Melissa showed me a picture of a cooking device called the Rollie® Eggmaster Vertical Grill. It’s one of those “As Seen on TV” products. Basically, it’s designed to cook eggs in a tubular form for an easy on-the-go egg eating experience. Apparently eating and cooking eggs is a very difficult endeavor for many people. Plus, when you’re eating eggs, you really want them cooked in a format in which you can pick up those jiggly fuckers and walk around with them using your (probably filthy) bare hands. This has been a huge issue for egg eaters since the beginning of time.

Here is the commercial for the Eggmaster:

It uses “vertical cooking technology.” I guess horizontal cooking technology wasn’t good enough. As you can see, it’s truly a remarkable product. It is also very, very, stupid.

Rollie Eggmaster

The Eggmaster is about the size of an insulated travel mug. It even looks like a travel mug. It comes with a few wooden skewers and a sponge to clean out its insides once you sully them with some unfertilized chicken eggies. Its electric cord is very very short.

The recipe book has some pretty interesting recipes. Did I say interesting? I’m sorry, I meant “horrendous.”

For example, here is a recipe straight from the Eggmaster cookbook:

Energy Bar

Ingredients:

1 large egg white

2 Tbsp dried fruit and nut trail mix

1 tsp brown sugar

Instructions:

  • Spray Eggmaster cooking chamber with nonstick cooking spray.
  • Mix all the ingredients in a bowl and pour into the Eggmaster cooking chamber. Do not fill the cooking chamber more than half-way.
  • Make sure the food in the cooking chamber is slightly covered with egg white.
  • Cook 5-7 minutes, until the food rises out of the cooking chamber. To remove the food, tilt the appliance and gently prod the food out with a skewer.

I’ve never seen an energy bar that mixed an egg white and brown sugar, with fruit and nuts. That is a fruit and nut omelette. Holy shit. It’s like a mommy blogger wrote this recipe. This is already a bad idea. That’s precisely why this cooking machine is perfect for my trainwreck lifestyle.

Rollie Eggmaster Ingredients

I bought a few ingredients that I thought might work okay in the Eggmaster. Things like eggs, hot dogs, and meat sticks for babies.

More Rollie Eggmaster Ingredients

You can supposedly make hamburgers and pancakes in the Eggmaster too. I just went to the grocery store and looked for things I could make that could eventually take the shape of a penis.

The Rollie Eggmaster Anus

Whenever you get a new cooking device, you have to pay it some respect and use it for its original intended use before you go experimenting like a jackass. So I cooked two eggs in it as instructed. I sprayed some nonstick spray into it, cracked two eggs into it (which made a strange farting noise as they went down, which was encouraging), and waited until the eggs finished cooking. The egg tube was supposed to rise up at the end to indicate it was done cooking. Then you’re supposed to “prod the food out with a skewer.”

What happened next was beyond my wildest dreams. I took a video. Watch it until the end because there’s a surprise.

The Rollie Eggmaster shits out your eggs. I’m not sure you read that correctly. I will repeat it one more time. The Rollie Eggmaster shits out your eggs.

The instructions say that the eggs will rise, not that they will actually come all the way out of the Eggmaster. I tried it a second time and the Eggmaster actually ejected the entire tube onto the floor.

“This is the best thing I have ever seen,” I said, cackling to myself. “This is an egg shitting device.”

Also, when the Eggmaster is on, it emits the smell of burning plastic, which is not something I normally look for in cooking equipment. I prepared myself mentally for death in case my apartment burned down while I watched an egg get shat out onto the floor.

Rollie Egg

This is the egg tube from the video. When you cut it in half, you can see it’s pretty much the same thing as a hard-boiled egg. The texture is a little crispy on the outside and the inside is hard-cooked. Whatever. I ate it and it tasted fine, though that burning plastic smell made me wonder if I just got cancer.

Old Folks Sausage

A recipe mentioned a pancake and sausage roll — I ate one once or twice in high school. It’s like a breakfast corn dog, where the hot dog part is a breakfast sausage, and the batter is made of pancake. Good ol’ America.

For this test, I found this cool brand of breakfast sausage called “Old Folks.” I’m not sure why that’s in quotation marks. Also, I hoped that the sausage was actually made out of old folks. The label certainly made it seem that way.

Once I opened the package I expected a whiff of old man smell, but I found out that it’s just regular breakfast sausage. I suppose it could be made of really old pigs.

Rollie Sausage Pancake

I put the meat onto a skewer, and formed the log with my hands to fit the hole. I fit my log in your mom’s hole last night. I’m sorry, that was rude of me to say. It just slipped out, forgive me. Then I poured the batter into the hole and jammed the log into it as far as it would go. Coincidentally, I also poured batter into your mom’s hole and jammed my log into it as far as it would go.

I apologize for this behavior. It won’t happen again.

Rollie Sausage Pancake Cooking

Not long after it started cooking, the meat started rising out of the hole like the egg, but it stopped halfway. I guess the sausage constipated the Eggmaster. That wasn’t a good sign though — that meant the meat by the opening probably wasn’t fully cooked.

Rollie Sausage Pancake Finished

I took the sausage skewer out and found myself looking at what appeared to be a turd covered in a sticky white mucus-like substance. I’ve actually seen a few movies that ended this way.

Rollie Sausage Pancake Finished Autopsy

As I feared, the pancake-covered sausage didn’t cook all the way through. I wiped the tears from my eyes and decided to try something different.

Rollie Baby Food

Well, since the uncooked sausage didn’t work, I figured I should try a cooked product covered in pancake batter. I chose the Gerber® Graduates® lil’ sticks® meat sticks, which are chewed up and reformed meat sticks for babies (yes, it really has that many registered trademark symbols). The front of the jar says it’s turkey with canola oil, but the first two ingredients are pork and beef, so they’re lying to you and your children.

I ate one of the sticks. They don’t taste very good. They’re like a bizarro version of a Vienna Sausage. They have a slightly off-putting smoky flavor and are soft enough for babies to gum down easily. This is what you feed your children if you want them to turn out like me, an utter failure who hates himself, poses stuffed animals for photos, and spends his Sundays watching a cooking device shit eggs onto the floor.

Rollie Baby Food Pancake

As you can see, that worked out well. The pancake never cooked through and the skewer came straight out of the meat, so I had to extract everything with a chopstick. I did try a little, and it tasted like spongy mechanically-separated bullshit in undercooked pancakes.

Everything I do ends in failure.

Rollie Cheeseburger

I made one last thing — a cheese stuffed hamburger tur — er, kabob. See that pool of grease? That’s what came out of the meat. Basically, the meat boiled in its own absurd amount of fat. At least the skewer didn’t give up this time. Not like you did on me, Dad.

Rollie Cheeseburger Autopsy

The texture was like steamed meatloaf stewing in its own fat, rubbery, spongy, and disappointing. At least it was cooked all the way through, and the cheese melted. I still couldn’t help feeling like this whole experiment was a pile of horseshit. I gave up on the six other ingredients I bought for this project and I will eat those as God intended, prepared as the package says, in the darkness of my closet, seasoned with my own tears.

Rollie Egg Penis

In order to make myself feel better about the whole thing, I decided to cook one last egg tube, except I jammed a mushroom on the tip. Maybe laughing at a simulated egg penis would alleviate my despair.

The mushroom jammed the egg into the tube and I had to “prod it out with a skewer.” Plus it looked like me before I got that bris done yesterday. And it snapped off. The tip of my egg penis snapped off. I couldn’t even make an egg penis properly with this beautiful piece of shit.

But if I have to say something about this whole thing, despite its catastrophic flaws, it’s that the Rollie® Eggmaster Vertical Grill is still probably the best thing I’ve ever used to cook food, because it consistently screws everything up.

And that’s a comforting fact. It reminds me of…me.

I’m going to go shit the rest of the eggs onto the floor now.

 

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  39 comments for “The Rollie Eggmaster is the Best Dumbest Cooking Device Ever Invented

  1. Mike Gebert
    March 9, 2015 at 10:19 AM

    I can’t imagine why a normal person would want this in their house, but the technology exists because of your (well, my) fellow normal Americans anyway—specifically, that they were a pain in the ass about hardboiled eggs on airplanes. People who got the ass end of the egg with all white apparently bitched about it, and the airlines, rather than simply not serving hardboiled eggs (seriously, United, what are you, a German dive bar in 1913?), spent $500 billion to develop continuous tubes of egg with perfect ratios of white to yolk in every slice.

    • Dennis Lee
      March 9, 2015 at 10:27 AM

      That’s really strange. Because apparently it’s a “problem” now for some people. At home. Anyway, this thing shits out eggs and that is amazing.

  2. GOAT
    March 9, 2015 at 8:27 PM

    What would happen if you used fertilized chicken eggies?

    • Dennis Lee
      March 9, 2015 at 9:09 PM

      Shhhhhhhh. Don’t think I haven’t thought about this.

      And don’t think I don’t know where to get one, either.

  3. Amanda
    March 10, 2015 at 3:28 AM

    I don’t understand how you possibly could have taken that video without laughing.

    • Dennis Lee
      March 10, 2015 at 8:15 AM

      I was in sheer awe of the power of the egg extruder. It was almost like staring at the face of an immortal being except it was an egg pooping out in my FACE.

    • Jenna
      January 31, 2016 at 7:42 PM

      That is all I was thinking!

  4. mollymolly
    March 10, 2015 at 10:09 AM

    I fell in love with the absurdity of the rollie eggmaster the first time I saw the infomercial. I can’t even believe that this article exists because it makes me so happy.

    • Dennis Lee
      March 10, 2015 at 10:39 AM

      Molly,

      The Eggmaster loves you right back. It truly is the crossroads of cooking technology and disappointment. I’m glad you enjoyed this post mostly because it took me forever to do.

      Love,

      DANNIS REE

  5. Sandisan
    March 10, 2015 at 11:36 AM

    That video was one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen (and I watch a lot of foreign horror movies). It was also glorious and amazing and I love you and your little stuffed animal buddies.

    • Dennis Lee
      March 10, 2015 at 11:38 AM

      Thank you. Harvey and Mr. Bee say hello from Chicago, and I love you right back, my friend.

  6. Yvo
    March 16, 2015 at 4:20 PM

    The photo of the end/opening of the eggmasterroller made me seriously concerned that somewhere in this post you were going to admit to putting your penis in there and telling us that it was a terrible idea and you were sorry.

    • Dennis Lee
      March 16, 2015 at 5:35 PM

      I actually put my penis in the egg.

  7. jc Vee
    July 30, 2015 at 1:11 AM

    I was seriously thinking of getting one for my mom when i i happened on you video and blog. It made me laugh till i was teary eyed… i think i will skip the buying part now .

    • Dennis Lee
      July 30, 2015 at 10:06 AM

      Well, for about $25 you might get your money’s worth at parties. I’ve shown it to at least six of my friends and we all have a special bond now.

  8. Kahlel
    August 23, 2015 at 1:28 PM

    Dumbest Review. It will really going to “shit out” the egg on the floor if you will not use the skewers. I have one at home at it’s really good. Only “dumb headed jerks” will come up with “dumb reviews” like this. Maybe it’s you who shit out your brain. lols.

    • Dennis Lee
      August 23, 2015 at 9:36 PM

      This is the best comment I have ever received. Thank you.

    • Mr. Roboto
      August 24, 2015 at 10:28 AM

      Cool story, bro!

    • Ari
      June 4, 2016 at 3:27 PM

      You feel really strongly about this, huh?

      • Dennis Lee
        June 4, 2016 at 5:11 PM

        The Rollie Eggmaster is a religion to people. I must be respectful to an egg shitting machine.

  9. Scott
    August 26, 2015 at 10:42 AM

    Kahlel is probably one of the inventors. I too, own this piece of shit and my wife constantly reminds me that I’m a dumb ass for buying it. My poor rollie is the blunt end to a lot of jokes. No respect

    • Dennis Lee
      August 26, 2015 at 12:40 PM

      I respect you. You understand the importance of eggs being shat out onto the floor.

  10. kahshun
    August 26, 2015 at 10:16 PM

    ………..just made an egg roll and it really shits out onto my floor i even prepared 4 plates beside it in case it falls who knows it is too long and it slips over to the floor…… THIS SUCKS but the good thing is that you can just put it there and play games then go and take it and then play XD

    • Dennis Lee
      August 26, 2015 at 11:08 PM

      I play with my egg tubes all day why are you not my best friend forever?

      • Betty Bangzer
        June 3, 2017 at 5:58 AM

        This is the best comment I’ve read so far! You’re hilarious!

  11. Lin
    December 15, 2015 at 10:40 AM

    this article is now on my list “top 10 funniest things I’ve read in the 21st century”.
    also best gag gift EVER!

    • Dennis Lee
      December 15, 2015 at 11:05 AM

      I feel special! For many reasons, especially this one. I would probably not get this for someone you love, unless you want them to REALLY love you. And eggs.

  12. Chuck Collison
    January 3, 2016 at 11:01 AM

    This is absolutely the funniest thing I have read in years. This machine should run for the republican presidential nomination. It would knock Donald off the front pages right in to the dust bin of history.
    Thank you for a great start for 2016, it restores my faith in humanity. I even think it will help me go off my Paxil.

    Chuck

    • Dennis Lee
      January 3, 2016 at 5:07 PM

      Thanks Chuck, I hope my stupid endeavors can raise the efficacy of your selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors, but I wouldn’t go off the Paxil just yet because everything I do tends to erode positive achievements in life.

  13. Elizabeth
    April 1, 2016 at 11:50 PM

    Thank you so much for this review – this is the funniest thing I have seen in the longest time. I laughed so hard that I cried! My life is now complete. There is a device that shits out egg penises. Perfect.

    • Dennis Lee
      April 3, 2016 at 2:59 PM

      Elizabeth,

      This is the greatest product of all time. It is very important that the world know. Forever.

      DANNIS

  14. Alfred
    April 9, 2016 at 6:48 AM

    How easily can this be converted into a fleshlight ? Alton Brown always says nothing in your kitchen should just do one thing .

    • Dennis Lee
      April 10, 2016 at 12:39 PM

      You know, I can and DO have sex with most inanimate objects. Especially when they’re going at full blast!

  15. Mike
    June 1, 2016 at 7:13 PM

    I loved your review. Haven’t laughed this much for ages. I was so impressed that I have sent one of my underlings out right now to buy one of these for the office.

    • Dennis Lee
      June 2, 2016 at 9:12 AM

      May the eggs forever shit in your favor.

  16. Adam
    August 19, 2016 at 4:03 PM

    Every single word of this article had me laughing out loud. Nicely done!

    • Dennis Lee
      August 24, 2016 at 12:15 PM

      You should get one of these things. It’s hilarious.

  17. John Kostick
    April 3, 2017 at 2:58 PM

    This article was absolutely hilarious! Thank you Dennis Lee, I could not stop laughing.

  18. Maddie
    September 6, 2017 at 6:14 PM

    Ive had mine for a while it keeps ending up in boxea and i re find it forget how dodgy it is and try again … well today was that day after i found your reviews lol!!
    Infact i was so busy reading all of it and then the comments while i totally forgot all about the egg …. it was shitting up everywhere lol whoops

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