People often say, “Dannis, you should really think about opening a restaurant or bar.”
My response is always this: “No way, assbag.”
While I am generally stupid, I am smart enough to know that I would probably run a business into the ground in less than five minutes. Then people will know me as being a failure not only in love and life, but also in commerce.
That does not stop me from having conversations or fantasies about ruining a business, however. I was having a conversation in the car with a friend of mine (who will not be named here, for his sake), and we were coming up with concepts for a bar.
My Imaginary Friend (probably my very small stuffed penguin, Harvey): Dannis, if you had a bar, what would the theme be?
Me: (1 minute of utter silence) I have a cool idea.
My Imaginary Friend: Well, what is it?
Me: If I opened up a bar, I would call it Whiskey Dick. Everything would be penis-themed, and we would only serve whiskey that flows out of flaccid penis-shaped taps that spray everywhere. Maybe as a parting gift we can give everyone Viagra in case they are planning on having bad sex later. You know, like breath mints, but instead of freshening breath, we can give the gift of erections.
My Imaginary Friend: Why do you always talk about penises?
Me: Because I am stupid.
I fantasized about opening the bar some more and came up with the first cocktail at Whiskey Dick: The Bust-a-Nut Cocktail.
Here in Chicago, we have an interesting bar called The Aviary. They serve some pretty intense drinks, like the drink you see being developed in the video above. Each drink costs about a million dollars. I have never been to that bar (and after this I will probably be banned).
This particular drink, The Old Fashioned In the Rock, was my inspiration for the Bust-a-Nut Cocktail.
The Bust-a-Nut Cocktail would probably be the best seller at my bar, Whiskey Dick.
In order to stick to the theme, it would have to be creamy and nutty, and it would also need to be something you want to swallow a lot of. Your mother was a big part of my inspiration for this drink.
Since I am not a mixologist, I thought of a very simple recipe for the drink with ingredients that most bad drinks have in them. I picked Irish cream for its milky consistency, Frangelico liqueur for its condensed hazelnut flavor, and shitty vodka that comes in a fire extinguisher bottle.
To start, you’ll want to mix the ingredients in a glass (full recipe below), give them a quick stir, and put them in the freezer. The liquid needs to be very cold; you will see why in just a second.
Next, you need an ice sphere.
In The Aviary’s video from above, those guys use a professional piece of equipment called a blast chiller. Only professional jerkface Bobby Flay would have a blast chiller at home, so you’ll need to improvise. I figured out what to do fairly quickly.
I received some nice spherical whiskey ice-cube molds as a gift a while back, and so I filled them up with water and let them freeze for a few hours until they were partially frozen. It’s a little tedious waiting for them to freeze, but sometimes making silly drinks takes patience. I suggest getting drunk off your ass while naked in order to pass the time. I spent the time the only way I knew how, which was talking to my many stuffed animals about my failed time on OkCupid, where no one responded to me. There may or may not have been a lot of crying.
Using a used heroin syringe (or a marinade injector), remove the excess water from the inside of the sphere.
Drilling the hole takes a bit of patience; dip the metal needle in hot water and gently create a hole in the ball with a bit of twisting and very little pressure. I screwed up the one in the photo above, just like I screwed up the rest of my career by starting this blog, but I did have another one that turned out well.
Refill the sphere with the ice-cold cocktail mix using the same heroin needle you used to empty the center.
There will still be a tiny hole up top but nobody will notice, since life is full of loneliness and you probably drink alone anyway.
Gently place the filled sphere in your serving vessel. Be careful! It can break easily if you act roughly — and also make sure the hole is pointing up, otherwise the liquid will prematurely ejaculate.
Bed Bath and Beyond (I call it Bed Bath and Regret) didn’t have any clear glasses with lids on them, so I settled for this piece of crap plastic cup with a straw built into the cap.
This is the interactive part of The Bust-a-Nut Cocktail.
You can either shake your lidded glass by holding it above your crotch and violently jerking it up and down like a teenage boy (or lonely 34 year-old male), or if you have a dumb adult sippy cup like the one in my video, you can attempt to smash the shit out of the ice orb to get to its sweet, sweet, cream. In the video, I pretended that it worked, but it didn’t quite break. You get the idea. Just beat that ball like you’d smash a piñata that was full of alcoholic semen.
Ladies, I know that you do not have penises, so you can use this as a penis-rage simulator. Since penises are one of the main sources of stupidity in this world, I say, go nuts. See what I did there?
The result is a creamy X-rated drink that is very cold, sweet, and easy to guzzle down. It tastes like a novelty shot at TGI Fridays, which essentially has the flavor of misguided suburban cocktail choices. Your mother is very good at busting nuts, by the way, in case you need any tips. And what’s that you say? You don’t know what the term “bust a nut” means? Well, check it out here at Urban Dictionary (you must live a very sheltered life).
I spent like 8 hours making this today when I should have been looking for employment. But being a loser is already a full-time job.
The Bust-a-Nut Cocktail
- Ice sphere
- 1 oz. Irish cream
- 1 oz. Frangelico (or any nut-flavored liqueur, like semen)
- 1 oz. shitty vodka that someone brought over once and you never drank
Start a bakery. Fail miserably. Contemplate the meaning of death.
Fill ice sphere mold as directed and freeze for several hours, until the outside is frozen and the center is still liquid.
While ice sphere is freezing, stir the rest of the ingredients in a rocks glass and place inside the freezer to die.
When the ice sphere is frozen, stab that fucker with a heroin syringe, empty it until it is nothing more than an ice husk, like your cold, cold, mother, and refill with icy cold cocktail mix.
Serve in a closed glass and instruct your guest to jerk it off.
Alternately, go to a fancy bar like The Aviary and spend a lot of money on one drink, get mad, and start a dumpster fire around back.