Hello, dickholes!
Again, I’m sorry it has taken me so long to write something, and I mean anything at all. I promise I am still alive. Harvey and Mr. Bee are still judging me with their beady little eyes, watching in glee when I accidentally (deliberately) give myself diarrhea. But, they are now sitting in a new place, because big things happened.
Davida and I are engaged. And we moved into a new apartment together, here in Chicago. Whoa. I am still working at Paulie Gee’s Logan Square as a pizzamaker, where you can usually find me milling around, dropping pizza on the floor.
I am still writing, but in different places now. I write a lot for The Takeout, a site run by The Onion. And yes, that Onion. And I’ve recently gotten my first print piece for Dill Magazine, which is a beautiful boutique publication about Asian food. Weird. I sound like an actual writer. I am not. I still remain, in fact, a dickhole.
I have debated telling people about this, but I might as well — a production company even tried to get me a TV show!
As you can see by the fact that I am still very poor and an anus, this did not happen. I am not sure it is a good idea to have a TV show host whose Instagram handle is @dickholedannis.
Don’t worry, I still have lots of ideas to write about, and I know since I used to write once a week, you guys are hoping for a lot of new stuff, but there are a lot of things for me to sort out every day! Life is busy and oftentimes difficult. But being with Davida makes me very happy and thanks to me eating meals comprised of penises has inexplicably earned me a fiancée. I do not know where to begin even thinking about how this all happened.
Anyhow, since trying to catch up is going to be absurd, I will just get to the meat of this piece with a complete non sequitur and tell you that I found a cool way to rip off Taco Bell. I am an amazing human being and still the greatest food writer on the face of this planet. And also Taco Bell is the greatest restaurant on the face of this planet. Taco Bell, please do not ban me.
Here is a no-reason picture of nachos that I ordered once, while drunk. This is what happens when you mash all the add-ons.
So, the items I have figured out so far to save money on are: Nachos Supreme, the Burrito Supreme, the 7-Layer Burrito, the Meximelt, and the Soft/Hard Shell Tacos Supreme. This post may seem tedious because there is a lot of information, but I am telling you, this is very easy.
You know how now, most Taco Bell locations have those cool kiosks up front? And a phone app? You can even order on their website. You must use this technology against Taco Bell. This is the best way to accomplish this feat of greatness. You can still do this in person, but if you feel shameful facing another human being and saying words to them, then using faceless technology will save you from this kind of shame.
The key to this magic is by clicking on customize. Let’s do my favorite, the Nachos Supreme.
You must start with the Triple-Layer Nachos, which are a measly $1, and click “Modify.” Then, you need to click on “Make it Supreme,” which adds on tomatoes and sour cream for $0.50. The “Make it Supreme” button is the best way to save you money. Do not forget this.
If you like, you can remove the red sauce. It does not taste like much, so you can take it or leave it.
Add their questionably delicious seasoned beef. That’s it. You are done.
Your total is $2.10 (before taxes, but whatever, the government is an oppressor, life is meaningless, farts).
You saved $1.29.
This is a lot of money, especially if you may be homeless. I love you, Taco Bell, but also, smell my stinky butt-ass, Taco Bell. You may say, “Dannis Ree, the greatest food writer on the face of this planet and the biggest gift to humanity, aren’t these a smaller portion than the regular Nachos Supreme?”
The answer is “No, dickhole, it isn’t.”
I even asked the nice employee. She told me that there are only two sizes of nachos. Small (for the Nachos Supreme) and big (for the Nachos Bell Grande).
So, basically it is the same way to mess with the other items.
If you prefer a nutritious burrito, you must choose a bean burrito as a base.
Click on “Make it Supreme,” then add questionable beef, and lettuce. That is a Burrito Supreme, for $2.79.
$2.79 vs $3.49.
Again, you will say, “Fuck you, Dannis Ree. There’s no way this is not a tinier version of this scrumptious burrito.” But you are wrong.
I asked the employee. This is the correct tortilla size. I have become God.
Now, for the 7-Layer Burrito, all you need to do is start with the bean burrito, and click on: Make it Supreme, seasoned rice, lettuce, and guacamole.
This is also good.
$2.98 vs $3.49. Also, the 7-Layer burrito is vegetarian for those of you people who think you are eating healthy, without questionable beef. Please do not lie to yourself, this is Taco Bell. Embrace death.
I did not know what a Meximelt was before my exhaustive research into this topic. Now, let’s step back for a second and think deeply about the fact that someone in this world created the word “Meximelt” and thought this was a cool name for a strange Taco Bell item.
Start with the Beefy Mini Quesadilla, which is on the Dollar Menu:
You must hit Customize and remove the Chipotle Sauce as it is an absolute abomination. It is very bad to eat. If you enjoy that sauce you probably enjoy drinking a cup of diarrhea and have no sense of style.
$2.49 vs $1.45? This is a big one.
The Taco Supreme one is just stupid.
Seriously?
This one isn’t as dramatic, but $1.89 vs. $2.19 is also stupid for a staple menu item.
I am glad you are still reading this. I know it was tedious. Some of you clicked away. I am just proud of myself. This has been a pressing issue that is very important to me.
So, I’m sorry, I apologize for being an absentee-dickhole. In conclusion, the most important part about catching up is letting you know I pretty much grew a mullet and a mustache. This is from last year, but you should see me now. I am truly a sight to behold.
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