How to Ruin a Party: The Fart Dip Experiment

For a lot of publications, food writing is often about the illusion of glamour and making readers feel like they are left out of a cool kids party. Back when I freelanced more often, I was able to go to fancy events with fancy food. I took pretty photos for pieces I wrote, and sometimes when I wanted to feel like a more interesting person than I am, I would put photos up on Facebook and Twitter. It made people jealous of my food writer lifestyle. 

Really, you are at awkward parties with rich people who think chefs are gods. It is very strange. I cook at home, and you cook at home, even if it’s just a frozen pizza. Sometimes the fanciest food on the planet does not taste anywhere as good as a frozen pizza when you are forced to listen to someone brag about how they took a trip to the ass-end of Iceland, just so they could get a bite of rotten shark from a 22 year old chef who has tattoos and a funny haircut.

Also, some food writers are really weird people. Some are very nice. Some are just in it for the freebies — those are often bloggers who use a lot of exclamation points in their writing, and most of their photos are selfies and maybe a few blurry food photos with their fingers over the lens. That type is generally not to be trusted. They like to make you feel really bad about the fact that you ate an Oscar Mayer ham sandwich for lunch. There is nothing wrong with an Oscar Mayer ham sandwich.

If you are ever feeling low about the fact that you don’t go to these parties, then just imagine a bunch of jerkoffs in a room together, farting constantly and sniffing each other’s farts while eating fancy food and name-dropping famous chefs. If that sounds silly, that’s because it is. And this is the really nonsensical intro to my experiment this week.

So the other day I had a big bowl of French onion soup, and it was delicious. But a few hours later, I found myself farting uncontrollably. Caramelized onions have a sugar that humans cannot digest, and so the sugars sit inside your warm moist body and ferment. When they ferment, the sugars create smelly gasses. Then, the smelly gasses come riotously out of your butt. That means you spend a long time farting. But along with farts, there is laughter. As I laughed to myself in the darkness of my closet, I thought, “Dannis, how can you maximize this joy and share it with the world?”

And thus, I came up with an experiment involving something I call “Fart Dip.”

But first I would have to try this experiment on myself to see if it would work.

Fart Dip Ingredients

I imagined myself at a fancy party where I served a magical delicious dip. It would be addictive and wonderful, but what people would not know is that every ingredient was picked to maximize flatulence. Then, a few hours later, everyone would secretly start farting uncontrollably and pass out. Everyone would be so embarrassed that all these dumb fancy food parties would go away forever.

With that inspiration, I did a lot of Internet research and found some of the top fart-inducing foods and decided to put them together into a single dish. And this is how Fart Dip was born.

I came up with the following ingredients: Butter beans (aka lima beans), cabbage, sour cream, prunes, and onions. Apparently lima beans are some of the fartiest of the legumes, cabbage contains sugars that ferment in your gut, sour cream is for the lactose intolerant, prunes have fiber and also make some people fart, and onions also have sugar that will give you gas. So basically these are fart ingredient superheroes.

Fart Dip Onions

I started by slicing the onions down with a mandoline, which is a good kitchen tool if you need to slice a bunch of things thinly and you don’t want to do it by hand. This was about 3 pounds of onions. I coated them in a little bit of olive oil and cooked them on medium heat.

Fart Dip Onions Cooking

Caramelizing onions takes a long time. If you cook them too fast, you won’t coax out the fart sugars, so you need to let them cook slowly. I have seen recipes on the Internet that claim you can caramelize onions in 20 minutes. Those people are numbnuts.

Fart Dip Onions Caramelized

It took me almost two goddamn hours to get these onions cooked down. When you caramelize onions, eventually they take on a pretty brown color and they smell sweet and they get very small.

Fart Dip Cole Slaw

After the onions were done, I used the same pan to cook down the cabbage. I wanted to keep as many of the sugars as I could from the onions which is why I used the same pan.

If this looks suspiciously like cole slaw mix, that is because it is in fact, cole slaw mix. Cole slaw is mostly cabbage. In fact, the word “cole” refers to cabbage plants. Whip that fact out on your next Tinder date and you’ll be sure to have sex. What exactly is sex? The world will never know. And by “the world,” I mean “me.”

Fart Dip Cole Slaw Cooked

The cabbage took on a deep brown hue from the sugars remaining in the pan from the onion. Cooked cabbage smells like farts, which is a big step in the right direction. Your mother also smells like farts. It’s part of her charm.

Fart Dip Food Processor

After the onions and cabbage were cooked and cooled down, I put them in the food processor with a can of lima beans (including the liquid, containing valuable fart starches), a whole tub of sour cream, and prunes. I was already feeling sick just looking at it, which was a very good sign.

Fart Dip

The resulting dip looked and smelled like thick vomit. 

It was getting late, so I decided that Fart Dip was going to be my dinner. I choked down a whole cup of it. It, in fact, tasted like vomit. The vomit flavor mainly came from the caramelized onions, but mixing it with tart sour cream, pureed plain lima beans, farty cabbage, and poo-inducing prunes, drove the flavor over the cliff of Jesus-Christ-Why-Did-I-Do-This. There’s no way anyone would eat this at a party. This may have been one of the worst things I have ever made. But I was in it for science. I ate a bunch, felt sick, and went straight to bed.

I did not sleep well. It wasn’t because I was farting all night, I just felt sick to my stomach. There were definitely some more farts than my usual 3924234 a day (ladies, don’t come running all at once), but man, that was a bad idea. I don’t usually make myself sick with my own cooking so this was a true scientific learning experience.

The next day, unbeknownst to my coworkers, I brought another cup of Fart Dip to work and ate it for breakfast while trying not to throw up from its awful flavor. If I had to describe it in further detail, it tasted like hummus that has been mixed with French onion dip and sweet dried fruit. Not good. Since I’m getting let go from my job on Friday, I figured I could fart all I wanted. I didn’t even eat it with crackers this time. I just crammed it down my throat with a spoon which was one of the worst things I have ever done to myself. I immediately felt sick again.

And…it didn’t really work, again. This should have been the perfect fart storm! Perhaps I have a superhero-like tolerance to this kind of cooking. But all was not lost. I went to lunch by myself at a glorious place called Juan’s Chuck Wagon (it’s a real place, look it up), and while I was waiting for my food, I accidentally let out an enormous fart. There was a couple across the whole restaurant who both looked up from their plates of food and they stared at me. Once they resumed eating I did it again. They looked at me suspiciously. I pretended the wooden booth was creaky but truthfully, a creaking booth does not sound like the quacking sound of violent flatulence.

With science, progress comes one step at a time. This is only the first step. I will double back and try again until I get it right. I am determined to ruin a fancy party someday.

You guys have just witnessed the birth of a supervillain.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

  39 comments for “How to Ruin a Party: The Fart Dip Experiment

  1. May 19, 2015 at 11:31 AM

    There’s still time to torment your coworkers with farts. I highly suggest sunchokes, aka Jerusalem artichokes. They are also known as fartichokes. Maybe blend those with some hummus… Should be edible and deadly. Also homebrew beer, full of yeasty goodness.

    • Dennis Lee
      May 19, 2015 at 2:42 PM

      Yes. I didn’t have enough time to think of where I could get fartichokes; I know about those wonderful little bundles of joy, though I haven’t eaten enough to turn into a human trumpet yet.

      • Rich Johns
        December 15, 2015 at 6:19 AM

        As far as your resolve of the fart dip, I imagine that is something to be seen, or smelled, or something, however In my 48 years on this planet and as God as my witness.
        I have never laughed so hard than when I was reading.your blog. so if you don’t stay afloat as a food critic. You’re one hell of a funny guy. stick with it.

        • Dennis Lee
          December 15, 2015 at 11:05 AM

          I’m glad you liked it. Too bad potential employers don’t. But, I did it to myself!

    • Valerie
      May 19, 2015 at 8:54 PM

      You sure are right about the sunchokes. I only saw/ate them once many years ago. But they are still memorable.

      • Dennis Lee
        May 19, 2015 at 10:14 PM

        I really didn’t feel like digging around to find them — they aren’t the easiest food to find! But anything called a “fartichoke” is pretty much the greatest thing ever.

        • May 21, 2015 at 12:24 AM

          Safeway out here in sf has then but we’re all nutty dirty hippies or bearded affluent men… But try Safeway. We roasted them like potatoes with oil and lemon pepper, delightful and fully loaded us for the night. Also drank homebrew with it. Instant hot box.

  2. May 19, 2015 at 7:22 PM

    There was a time in my life when I was so flatulent, I actually thought about going to the hospital. And it was all from chickpeas. I decided to go vegan for shits (farts) and gigs, so I bought a 3 lb bag of dried chickpeas, from which I made hummus, falafel, roasted corn nut-like chickpeas, and panisse, and I ate those for three straight days. It was insane. The sheer force from these farts was hurting my b-hole. And the reload time was like 30 seconds. If I held one in and didn’t fart, my stomach would start cramping. Going to the grocery store was a nightmare. Farting actually detracted from my quality of life. Falafel was dope though. No ragrets.

    • Dennis Lee
      May 19, 2015 at 10:13 PM

      I’m now going on an all-chickpea diet, Josh. And it’ll be because of you.

    • Gene
      May 23, 2015 at 2:34 AM

      Boiled chickpeas plus onions, thyme and tomatoes (for taste) own any decent human sausage casing, though boiled chickpeas get you full disappointingly fast! But some Mad Dog 5 mil. Scovie extract definitely boosts the pizzazz.

  3. Rob
    May 20, 2015 at 2:15 PM

    Great write up. Too bad about all the effort for the poor result. For me the magic ingredient is Garlic (aka – Fartlic). Just sheer the top off a bulb so the tops of the garlic cloves are exposed, drizzle some olive oil on it, and bake a whole bulb (or two if you really want to blow the chonies out – see YouTube “King Assripper”). They taste delicious, they’re nutritious, and they’re fart inducing for several days on end. And none of those dry loud beefs that are great for a good laugh with friends, but I’m talking the deep hot silent moist ones. I’ve cleared entire rooms out before, no joke.

    • Dennis Lee
      May 20, 2015 at 2:19 PM

      What I’m quickly understanding is that everyone is very different when it comes to food and farts. There has to be a universal ass-blaster connection. I will find this. I will destroy the world.

    • May 26, 2015 at 3:25 AM

      ‘Fartlek’ means ‘speed play’ in Swedish. BECAUSE KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

  4. Jennifer
    May 22, 2015 at 5:01 AM

    Celery. Soup.

    • Dennis Lee
      May 22, 2015 at 8:15 AM

      I didn’t know that could work. I will try that too. I am proud of everyone banding together to give me suggestions. We are doing this for science.

  5. Won Hung Lo
    May 22, 2015 at 11:02 PM

    Plant Sterol pills from a health food store. Find the highest potency for the price.

    +10 on the garlic olive oil. I ate a bucket of that stuff at The Stinking Rose in North Beach one night and relentless (and painful) and pungent ass-thunder sounded through the night.

    My friend makes this dip for parties out of a can of hormel chili (avec beans) and a brick of cream cheese. I destroy it with fritos. He won’t allow it at the gatherings anymore.

    So, pop some sterols (large doses), have the chili cream cheese dip with a shitload of baked garlic mixed in. A lot.

    Fuck “everybody is different,” there’s no way this won’t work.

  6. Leona
    May 22, 2015 at 11:21 PM

    2 words will up the ante on butt trumpet action-Broccoli sandwiches. Strangely delicious, addictive and deadly when served at a conference-at which groups rotated amongst small rooms with no air circulation. Who knows- It might have been an effort to prevent “Critical Thursday” (was a week long conference, ending on Friday) super simple, good whole wheat bread (the fancy-pretentious kind-probably not necessary-but it just makes the mundane & simple seem fancier), cream cheese, chopped broccoli and olives-there *may* have been one other ingredient-not sure at this point.

    • Gene
      May 23, 2015 at 2:36 AM

      Vero! Cauliflower/broc cooked in the oven with cheese and garlic can deliver quite a shock to the system.

  7. Kippfest
    May 23, 2015 at 3:52 AM

    Great experiment! When I was a kid, my mom used to make this dish where she cut up potatoes in smaller chunks, put them on a buttered up plate in the oven for an hour, and they’d come out with a crunchy outside and a soft inside. They taste awesome, and more importantly so, caused horrible smelly farts within half an hour with the entire family. I hope you can use this on your quest. For science!

  8. Robert
    May 23, 2015 at 8:18 AM

    In order to lower my blood sugar my doctor told me to stop eating sugary treats, ice cream included. The heck with that so I bought a pint of sugar free ice cream and devoured it. I then was able to fart Beethoven’s 5th Symphony and ruin 3 pairs of briefs. It was stellar.

  9. Pete
    May 23, 2015 at 8:21 AM

    Screw farts, you aren’t thinking evil enough. Everyone has their own fart triggers apparently, so the best you’ll get even with the perfect fart dip is a few food critics being shunned by their peers.

    Know what everyone has in common when they eat the same thing? Diarrhea. You need to make a diarrhea dip. Cleverly disguise some bad seafood, or Olestra (do they even make that crap anymore?) or some other terrifying loose stool inducing food into a delicious dip. This must be done. We have faith in you.

    Wait… That orange oil Shit Fish you posted about earlier. Lots and lots of that. Some sort of demented whitefish salad concoction perhaps.

    (No credit necessary if this actually works. I am somewhat ashamed to have written this)

    • Dennis Lee
      May 26, 2015 at 10:59 AM

      I wonder if inducing diarrhea in unsuspecting partygoers is some kind of felony. I like it.

      • Grant
        May 24, 2016 at 9:35 AM

        Sugar. Free. Candy. Melt it, add it to an icecream base. See the reviews of the 5lb Gummi bears bag on Amazon.

  10. May 23, 2015 at 9:33 PM

    Wasabi peas, sure-fire assblaster. So yummy, but…

  11. Tim
    June 24, 2015 at 5:22 PM

    I think this may be in the top five funniest articles I’ve ever read. I laughed so hard I woke my wife up a room away!

    • Dennis Lee
      June 25, 2015 at 1:28 PM

      I have that effect on wives sleeping in nearby rooms.

  12. Cloghorne
    November 16, 2015 at 11:57 AM

    Black beans does it for me every time… and being a bean its perfect for dip.

    • Dennis Lee
      November 16, 2015 at 2:39 PM

      You know – black beans don’t do much for me aside from being good ammo to shoot out my ass at unsuspecting people off my balcony.

  13. Ayisha
    April 5, 2016 at 1:16 AM

    This is the funniest s**t I ever read. I googled why do my farts smell like death after I have onions and lucked up on this. THANKS! I nearly wet myself

  14. Morgan
    May 26, 2016 at 11:06 PM

    I would figure that cooking the onions and cabbage would break down the sugars that cause the farty goodness.

    Personally, if I wanted to stink up a place, I’d just chow down on a pack of sugar-free mints. I used to work at a grocery store, and one long shift I’d been eating them (Ice Breakers, I think) like candy — people wound up searching the register, assuming there was some long-forgotten pack of eggs that had gone rotten as hell.

    • Dennis Lee
      May 27, 2016 at 1:32 AM

      If you look carefully through the photos there might just be a reference to what you’re talking about right now.

      I…may have forgotten to put them into the dip.

  15. Fartmaster
    November 12, 2016 at 5:59 AM

    Clams…. I once cleared a post wedding rehearsal dinner hotel room party after indulging in the “New England clam bake” dinner.. I’m talking so bad I was guilty of crimes against humanity… It was like the worst low tide smell mixed with the worst industrial process odor. It was hot, it actually made the room humid and moist. I tried to frame my wife’s aunt but ultimately took the blame… Party over!!! If you aren’t luck enough to have a clambake at your disposal, I’ve found that Manhattan Clam Chowder is a good substitute for the catalyst to odor infamy.

  16. jacko
    November 26, 2016 at 1:28 PM

    Please for the love of god continue with this please plz

  17. Sam
    December 1, 2016 at 3:56 PM

    I just googled “onion soup flatulance” to seek an explanation for the last two days of my life and came across this. Glad to know I’m not suffering alone (although some of you sound like you’re revelling in it rather than “suffering” – I’m female – we don’t tend to take so much open pride in this stuff!). Went to see a production of “The Tempest” today – at one point I feared my own wind may be about to cause the ship wreck with or without Prospero’s help!

  18. Nitokris
    January 31, 2017 at 6:12 PM

    This article gave me life. Maybe it’s because I’m bitter that I suck at cooking (probably not) but I hate foodies who believe that combining some overpriced/elusive ingredients in a bowl and tossing it into a pan means their work is more serious than finding a cure for cancer. What’s worse now is everyone’s access to the Food Network thinking they’re experts on everything they’re going to be shitting out a few hours later.

Leave a Reply to Kippfest Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *