As you guys know, Mother’s Day is coming up next Sunday.
If you didn’t know, this is my reminder to you. Mother’s Day is a very important day to celebrate, because mothers are important people. The reason why mothers are important is because children are assholes. You started as a little squirming human tomato that only ate, slept, cried, and took massive dumps in your own clothing. Your mother (well, most of your mothers) fed you, cleaned most of the poo off of you, and hugged you when you needed to be hugged, which, as a baby, is all the time. Then, as you grew up, your mother taught you not to torch down the neighbor’s house because the shitty kid next door called you a “farthead.”
As you guys can imagine, my mother is a saint, and made me into the well-adjusted adult I am today. A well-adjusted adult who appears to be known as “The Guy That Cooks Penises.” Your mother, on the other hand, was a dirty, dirty, person last night.
Some of you were raised on boob juice, otherwise known as breast milk. Others of you were raised on baby formula, which is boob juice simulator. To celebrate motherhood, I decided to cook a delicious dessert to feed your mother, one that celebrates mother’s milk. There are many desserts that celebrate milk, but one of them in particular, panna cotta, is almost all milk-based.
Panna cotta is a dessert that simply combines milk, cream, sugar, and gelatin, to basically create a sort of milk Jell-O. It is an Italian dessert that means “cooked cream.” Real creative name, Italians. Real creative.
For the milk component, I chose a cow’s milk-based baby formula. I think it’s great that we feed children milk from other animal breasts because that only makes sense. I seriously considered getting real breast milk from Craigslist or a cool website like this, but I decided ingesting someone else’s secretions might not be a good idea, and asking my friend’s wives was an even worse (yet better) idea.
Panna cotta is often served with a fruit sauce, so in this case, I decided it would be good to continue shopping in the baby food aisle, and I purchased fruit puree. There’s nothing creepy about a single guy doing his own food shopping in the baby food aisle.
To start, you need to bloom some gelatin in cold water. Gelatin is what keeps a panna cotta together. Sex is what keeps your mother and I together. If you put gelatin in hot water it gets all messed up and it turns into gluey strings, much like horse semen, so don’t do that. Once the gelatin is hydrated, you can dissolve it on low heat in a saucepan.
Next, measure out two cups of baby formula and one cup of cream.
I drank some baby formula and decided that this dessert is actually revenge on mothers for making children drink this shit. It tastes like SlimFast without any flavoring in it. Don’t pretend you don’t know what SlimFast tastes like. Everyone tries it at least once to come to the conclusion it is better to eat pizza and continue to be chubby. People who say that SlimFast works are lying. Basically, baby formula tastes like metallic coffee creamer. No wonder why kids continue to grow up to only want to eat shitty food.
Heat the cream and baby formula with some sugar, add vanilla extract, and pour in the warm gelatin mixture. At this point I was pondering why there aren’t breast milk bars because I could see hipsters enjoying something stupid like that. Then I pictured a bunch of mustachioed guys in plaid standing around talking about mouthfeel and artisanal breast milk and I got real mad.
Why isn’t this cute when I do it? I tried it at Kohl’s once and I wasn’t allowed back unless I put on a Guy Fieri costume. Because of me, Guy Fieri is now also banned from all Kohl’s department stores.
Once everything is mixed, put the baby formula mixture in cool-shaped bowls to set up. This particular bowl is usually filled to the brim with ranch dressing, which your mother sucks off my toes on Wednesdays. We call that “Dippin’ Wednesdays.”
Panna cotta needs to set for about 6 hours in the refrigerator before it can be served, so go do something productive like have a nice long 6 hour cry.
Take the baby food fruit puree, made from beets, pear, and pomegranate, pour Franzia box wine into it, along with some sugar, and let it reduce down into a thick grainy sauce. As many of you know, mommy’s idea of juice is wine. Mommies drink wine when daddy talks about how he saw the neighbor’s wife sunbathing in a bikini in their yard and now he can’t look at her in the same way anymore.
I think combining children’s food with alcohol is generally a very sound culinary idea. Children’s food usually tastes like shit, so you might as well get a hangover from eating it.
Panna cotta is a little tricky to get out of a mold, so you need to dip the mold into warm water in order to coax it out. I put it on my cheap shitty plate, added the baby food wine sauce to it, and grated fresh lemon zest on top.
This thing looks terrible. It looks like tofu that’s been topped with blood. Sometimes I like to say I celebrate culinary failures, but that’s only to make myself feel better when my food ends up being gross. Harvey thinks it’s hilarious, though. Harvey’s an asshole.
It tasted better than it looks. The baby formula custard was extremely smooth and sweet, cut by the acid from the wine in the baby food fruit puree. The panna cotta itself still had a slightly metallic aftertaste, which is curious. Maybe baby formula has metal shavings in it. You’d think that a beet, pear, and pomegranate blend would taste pretty good, but the mistake is in the beets. The beets made the sauce taste like sweet dirt with wine in it. Fuck you, Beech-Nut. You make gross baby food. You’re taking advantage of dumb babies. Actually, you’re taking advantage of dumb parents who think they are being cute by feeding them weird adult-like food.
Maybe next time I’ll put actual blood on it.
In any case, do something nice for your mother next Sunday. Show her this blog, and tell her that at least you didn’t grow up to be me. It’ll be the best Mother’s Day gift she can ever have.
The recipe is below and contains some very special instructions so read carefully.
The Baby Formula Panna Cotta with Baby Food Wine Sauce
For the Panna Cotta:
- 1/4 cup cold water
- 1 packet unflavored gelatin
- 2 cups baby formula
- 1 cup heavy cream
- 1/3 cup granulated sugar
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
For the Baby Food Wine Sauce:
- 8 oz. fruit-based baby food of your choice (fuck you Beech-Nut)
- 4 oz. gross red wine
- 1/4 cup sugar
For the panna cotta:
Pour the cold water into a small saucepan. Fart constantly. Sprinkle the powdered gelatin in an even layer over the water and let sit for two minutes or until all the granules have been hydrated. Heat gently and stir until gelatin is dissolved. Remove from heat. Take off your pants and do jumping jacks.
In a medium saucepan, combine baby formula, heavy cream, and sugar, and heat until the mixture is hot but not quite boiling. Remove from heat and stir in vanilla extract. Pour in gelatin and water mixture. Keep farting.
Pour equal amounts of mixture into 6 ramekins or small bowls and let chill in refrigerator until set, about 6 hours up to overnight.
For the sauce:
Drink a shitload of the gross wine and vomit twice. In a small saucepan, combine baby food, wine, and sugar. Heat on low until thickened. Chill in refrigerator until cold and serve with panna cotta. Don’t stop farting. I didn’t tell you to stop farting.